New Director Illuminati Ganga American West Regional Headquarters Announced
The Illuminati Ganga organization has recently appointed new regional directors in several regions that had heretofore been without a local director due to oversights, assassination, or possible temporal interruptions of the normal flow of events.
One such appointment was at the American West Regional Headquarters in Sạn Fräոƈïsċо — in which IG Agent 81 was named chairperson and chief torturer. At her inauguration she gave a 2 hour presentation and speech on what issues effecting the local workings of Illuminati Ganga would be her focus for the coming years
The vast network of catacombs that run from the tombs beneath the Feusier Octagon House to the inverted opera house built for the damned Countess Cathleen Finger-Smith, a famous abstractionist of the old kind, underpinning the McElroy Octagon House, is often used for larger convocations of the order of Illuminati Ganga — an ancient band whose true purposes are unclear and veiled by the fogs that come in from the subterranean sea.
it was in this semi-dark and dreary atmosphere that Agent 81 outlined her prospectus for the next year, into the next decade.
The points were not well received, as she used PowerPoint and most of the agents in attendance are more conversant with the stylistic conventions imparted to a presentation by the use of Prezi.
Nonetheless the points were made, and are now official requirements of the order.
Point 1: No More Silly Little Boy’s Club
Often fieldwork and parties are geared towards a sort of acerbic masculine aesthetic where the guy who can be the most hip, ironic and quotable somehow leads the process by sheer force of being a know-it-all jerk.
This dynamic has obviously made things problematic for the women who have to either go along with it or be excluded.
At this point in the talk it was asked if there were any questions, which the resounding silence of the catacombs, except for the steady dripping of water from the stalactites in the Cavern of Psychedelic Galatea, made clear that there were not.
Point 2: Better record keeping of Time Travel
Going forwards we should keep better records as to when manipulation of the current Universe’s foundational time stream threatens to destroy reality — reference was made to this event
the details of which are not exactly clear.
This point was interrupted by Agent 99, emerging from the antique elevator that is connected to the basement of the Illuminati Ganga offices and that nobody even was aware still worked.
Agent 99: Oh, here you all are! I was wondering where you all got to.
Agent 81: Thank you for providing an illustration of my previous points, now take a seat.
Point 3: Better security for dangerous artifacts
There have been a number of dangerous artifacts that have been checked out for personal use without much regards for proper security procedures.
Agent 99 sitting down by 77.
Agent 77: I guess nobody ever told you that was a super-smooth move you just pulled.
Agent 99: If I had a dollar for every time I had that I could shut down the Time Travel brand promotion hustle.
A relevant case for this artifact’s problem was presented — being the recent use of the movie Bartholomew for a fun Thanksgiving party
Reference was made to the effects of that movie on the psychic stability of the Ghalio Universe, and its subsequent destruction.
Agent 99 (chuckling): Anyone ever tell you blah blah blah smooth move?
Agent 77: Out of all the other people in this office who think you’re a jerk, why are you sitting by me?
Agent 99: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you less lies.
Agent 77: Fewer.
Point 4: Missing Agents with Assassin Skills
Agent 77: Speaking of that, what happened with the kid?
Agent 99: Kid? I don’t have any kids!
Agent 77: Damn it, refresh my memory — when did we last see each other?
Agent 99: You were in the office with some other agents, watching some movie.
Recently Agent 9, who was trained with a University level advanced Assassination and criminal skills building regimen went missing after one of the aforementioned silly little boy clubs evenings and parties at the office, watching a film that was among the list of dangerous artifacts we were discussing. This was implied to form a dangerous pattern.
Agent 99: Always with the assassins, never with the Engineers. Stay classy, Illuminati Ganga.
Agent 77: We need more Poets.
Agent 99: And Engineers. Actually we can just drop the Poets.
Agent 77: We need Engineers to build the tools to allow you to fuck yourself, but we need the Poets to most eloquently and precisely write the instructions telling you to go fuck yourself.
Agent 99: I have a time machine, if I wanted to fuck myself I could do it every day of last week. My schedule was pretty open then.
Point 5: Memetics Research Given Precedence
As was no surprise Agent 81 also emphasized that plans were on track for releasing the monumental Degrees of Order — the book of Memetics and logic developed by a team of Agents working together — later this year. She further said that there would be less shrift given to action and time travel adventure then previously, with a focus shifted to better establishing the theoretical frameworks for Illuminati Ganga’s Narrative Extensions to Reality. Illuminati Ganga in the future would be more reliant on their wise brains, and less on their wisecracks.
Agent 99: Memetics, what the fuck!?
Agent 77: Essentially we both get what we want done in the worst way possible. The Poets will do the engineering, and Engineers will write the Poetry.
Point 6: Dreams Project entering next phase
Agent 81 noted that the ongoing Illuminati Ganga Dream Log project has gathered enough data
That an AI can be trained on the Dream data and generate dreams itself, with automated dream generation, verified by highly trained Illuminati Ganga agents, we foresee being able to map out a major cross section of the Realm of Dreams for potential investment or even conquest.
These Notes were compiled by Agent 86 from the recent meeting in the San Francisco catacombs of the local division of the Agency.
