Crossroads #4
Arjun finds himself at a crossroads, yet again. TW: Suicide, Anxiety
This story is part of a series — for the previous episode, follow this link: https://medium.com/madras-stories/crossroads-3-the-letter-5e3dc2b48efd
2021.
“So, tell me. What happened?” Dr. Kurian asked. Arjun sat opposite to her, silently, holding his bag. “I understand if this is new to you, but take your time. I’m here to listen.” she went on.
“I don’t know where to begin,” he said.
“Let me ask you a question then. Have you had suicidal ideation in the past? Any prior attempts before last week?”
Arjun took a while to process the question. He found it hard to articulate, despite knowing the answer to that question very well. He took a deep breath.
“2019. After Meera” he said.
“Tell me about Meera”
And Arjun began the story of how he met Meera. About their ‘meet-cute’. About them running into each other again, and about how his relationship with her began, progressed beautifully, and changed him as a person.
“We just enjoyed spending time with each other. And I just fell more in love with her as each day progressed over the course of those six months. She enjoyed it too. At least that’s what I thought. We didn’t put a label on what we were because I just thought it was implied. But clearly, there was a lack of communication.” he said.
“And?” asked Dr. Kurian
“She was part of a student exchange program which required her to go to the US. I wrote her a letter and tucked it into her bag before she left. She was distant before she was leaving and I just decided to hold the space for her because it was obviously a stressful time. She’d changed even before she left, but I just rationalized it in my head. And she left.”
“What happened after?” Dr. Kurian continued, looking up from her notes.
Arjun froze. Answering this meant he had to go back to a memory that he’d locked away for two years. He clutched his bag harder and began.
2019.
It had been a week since Meera left. Barring a couple of text exchanges, there was no communication between them. Arjun couldn’t access her Instagram, and he just assumed she’d deactivated her account to focus on her coursework. He wanted the letter to be a surprise, so he didn’t bring it up at all. He was curious about her reaction to it, but he also wanted for her to be the one to bring it up. He found himself yearning for her company. His days were lost in a daze, where he’d walk to work with his earphones plugged in, listening to music and reliving moments in his head. He found it hard to focus. He’d stay up nights to bridge the timezone between them, only for his messages to be left on seen. This progressed for a couple of more weeks until he confronted her.
“Arjun, I’m sorry I haven’t been texting or calling you. I’m just finding it a little hard to adapt and I’m just trying to create a safe space for myself here, making new friends, and also trying to balance my course work and social life. I understand I should have told you this before — that’s completely on me. I’m so, so sorry.” she texted.
“I completely understand, Meera. I am sorry if that was out of the blue. I can only imagine how scary this must be for you as exciting as it is. Do let me know we can get on a call or something” Arjun responded.
“Sure” came a reply, with a thumbs-up emoji. After months, Arjun felt that pit in his stomach again. The pit that he hadn’t felt all the time he spent with Meera seemed to be making its way back into his life, and to make things worse — it felt like Meera was the one that was digging it.
Over the course of the next month, Arjun went back into familiar territory, spending his days walking around like a zombie. The only thing that would excite him was whenever Meera texted, and their conversations lasted for no longer than 5 minutes. He just thought of it as a phase and waited for it to pass until one day at work, his friend Debbie asked him about Meera.
“Damn, our girl’s just living it out there in the US, huh?” she asked. “I guess. We haven’t been talking a lot, so I can imagine she’s busy” Arjun said.
“Oh we don’t talk, I’ve just been looking at her Instagram stories. She’s having a lot of fun from what I can see. I must say, I’m jealous” Debbie said, taking a sip of her coffee.
“She’s back on Insta?”
“What do you mean? She was never off” Debbie said. Arjun’s face changed. “Is everything okay, man?” she asked. “No, yeah, I... have to go,” he said and rushed outside the office pantry. He opened up Instagram to see if he could view Meera’s account. He couldn’t — she’d blocked him.
His instinct started roaring and eating at him. He decided he would wait patiently before he jumped to conclusions. He reached home that night, skipped dinner, and waited for Meera to respond. “Did you read the letter?” he texted, he couldn’t wait any longer. There was no response. His anxiety was peaking. “Meera, talk to me. What’s going on? What went so wrong that you went to the extent of blocking me?”
He noticed that the message was delivered and waited, his heart beating fast. And his phone started ringing. Meera.
“Hey,” he said. “Arjun, we need to talk. And please listen to this and process it with the right mind before you do anything”
And then, the pit in his stomach became a wormhole that just swallowed him.
“I should have told you this. The exchange program offered a chance for me to pursue my Master’s here provided I satisfy certain criteria and rank well in an entrance test. I did read the letter. I found it when I was at the airport waiting for my flight. I am not going to lie — it did make me smile. But it also made me realize that answering it meant I’d have to make decisions I am not completely ready for yet, especially with regard to us. I didn’t want to say anything until I had more information. I found out I got in and it’s not an opportunity I want to pass on. I am not coming back.”
Arjun stayed silent. He didn’t know how to respond.
“I blocked you on Instagram because I felt it would be a little easy for you to process all this when the time came”
Arjun sighed. “Meera, I love you. And if you thought that the distance was going to change that, then let me make it clear — it’s not. You know I can always wait. I am so happy for you, I really am, but I also know that we can make it work. I am confident about it. I’ve never stopped believing in us”
“But what is ‘us’, Arjun? Was there ever an ‘us’?” she asked. “What do you mean, Meera? What about the last 6 months?” Arjun said.
“Yes, I loved it, it made me happy. But do you really think it was a relationship?” she asked.
“Woah,” Arjun said. That was the only thing he could think of saying. Words escaped him.
“Arjun, listen to me. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. For me, it was about being in the present. It was about cherishing every day. I didn’t think of where we’d go or what we’d do in the future, for even a second and I thought you felt the same until I read your letter. I am terribly sorry if I lead you on, but I’m not the woman you want me to be” Meera said, her voice quivering a little.
“But now you know, Meera. You know how I feel, and we know what the situation is. Have you taken a second to give this a thought?”
“Arjun, I haven’t. And I’m terribly sorry, I really need to go now. I’ll text you later. But I think I’m clear about where I stand. I don’t believe in building sandcastles in the air. I really do care for you and all I can say is, move on” Meera said and cut the call.
Arjun’s chest felt heavy. He found it hard to breathe. He frantically drank water and sat down at his desk, just trying to grapple with the gravity of the situation.
2021.
Narrating the story took Arjun right back to that night and made him feel the same way. Dr. Kurian recognized this.
“Arjun. I’m here with you, just follow me. Look around the room and name 5 things you can see.” she said
Arjun found it weird, but he just wanted the feeling to end. “Notebook, Chair, Hand Sanitizer, Landline Phone, Table,” he said.
“Now tell me the names of four things you can touch right now,” she said.
“My bag, my jeans, my phone… my khada” he said, adjusting it down his arm.
“Three things you can hear. Out loud.”
“I hear a bird chirping, I hear bikes and cars on the street, and I can hear voices from outside the room”
“Two things you can smell”
“I’m sorry, what?” Arjun asked, confused.
“Two things you can smell. Go.”
He picked up the bottle of sanitizer and smelt it. And he opened up his pack of cigarettes. “Sanitizer, cigarette,” he said.
“Take a sip of water,” Dr. Kurian said. And he did.
“How do you feel?” she asked. Arjun sat down and noted the way he felt. He wasn’t feeling great, but his anxiety had toned down.
“I’m okay,” Arjun said. He did feel okay. It felt like Dr. Kurian was a magician who cast a spell on him.
“Tell me what happened after,” she said.
2019.
Arjun stayed up the entire night trying to think. He was heartbroken, but being the person he was, he didn’t want to give up either. He immediately picked up his notebook and pen and started writing. He then opened up his phone to text Meera again.
Kanmani,
Anbodu kadhalan naan ezhudhum kadidham idhu,
Naan unai neenga maaten, neenginal thoonga maaten
Nee ennai neengadhe,
Nee ennai neengadhe,
Imaigalin thaazhvil,
Udaigalin thalarvil,
Ennodu Pesa Mattum Kuyilaagum un kuralai ketka
Indha kuzhaloodhum kannan kaathirukiran,
Un Kaaladi Thadathil Thaan poothirikuraan
Aanal nee ennai vittu ponaal endhan,
Nila sorndhu pogum,
En Mun Koba Kuyile,
Kiliye aalangkiliye
Nee illadha raathiriyo,
Kaatrilladho iravo,
Nee enge, nee enge endru yengi ponene
Unnal thaan kalaignanaai aanene
September maadham,
Oru Naalil,
En vaasal thaandi ponaaye,
Sattendru maariyadhu vaanilai,
Penne un mel pizhai.
Nee paartha paarvaikoru nandri,
Ini naanum illai nee indri.
Un sirippinil, Un sirippinil,
Nadhigalile neeraadum sooriyanai naan kanden,
Un vizhigalil,
Kadhal mogam kandu konden
Alai Illadha aazhi vannam,
Mugil illadha vaanin vannam,
Un imaigal,
Thendralai vandhu theendum bodhu
Sivanthu pogum en kannam
Sagiye, snehidhiye,
Kadhalil niramundu,
En anbe, unakkum niramundu,
Oorellam viyandhaar
Unnai kandu.
Chinnanjiru ragasiyangalum,
Chinnanjiru Adhisayangalum,
Naangaindhu vaarthaigalaaga naan serkiren,
Vaira kal pola ovvondrum thaan korkiren,
Maruvaarthai pesaadhe,
Madimeedhu thoongi vidu,
Kadhal irundhal, endhan kannodu kalandhu vidu
Ennai Natchathira kaattil alaya vittaai,
Naan endra ennam tholaya vittai,
“Azhagiye, marry me” endru naan sonnaal en kaadhalai peruvaya?
Vennilave, en vennilave,
Nee vinnai thaandi varuvaaya?
Meera, the past couple of hours have been hell. But you know me. I don’t give up easily. I was listening to our favorite playlist over and over, thinking about you, about us, and I couldn’t help but come up with this poem. I know you’ve always wanted me to write in Tamizh and I decided to pick the right words to express how I’m feeling. Live your life, please don’t stop yourself from doing anything you want to do because of me. I won’t be a hindrance to anything you want to achieve. But I do want to be there to watch you do it. I do believe that we can make this work. Please. Just give me a chance?
He felt himself fading after he sent the text. He tried staying up but ended up falling asleep with his phone in his hand despite his best effort. He woke up with newfound excitement and optimism the next morning. He plugged his charger in to revive his dead phone as he anxiously awaited Meera’s response. All of it came crashing down when he read the text.
“Arjun, I don’t know what else to say. Please don’t make me do this. Thank you for the last six months and the amazing memories. But I still stand by what I said. Please move on.”
Before he could respond, he noticed that she’d blocked him on WhatsApp too.
The crossroads that brought them together had reached a dead end.
2021.
“And?” Dr. Kurian asked.
“I tried my best to keep myself going. Until I couldn’t. I couldn’t physically move. I overdosed, ended up in the hospital, my mother freaked out. And I swore not to try anything of that sort again, until last month. But I did start drinking a lot after that though. I didn’t know if I was over her, but the alcohol took me to a point where I wasn’t asking if I was over her anymore”
“So, your attempt last week had to do with Meera again?”
“No. I did move on. I did find love. But love, as it turns out, is just a boarding process towards death, is what I ended up realizing”
“So there’s another woman? Someone you broke up with, that pushed you towards the edge again?”
“Yes. Anjana.” Arjun said.
Dr. Kurian took down notes based on the conversation she’d just had with Arjun. She took a look at the clock.
“Okay, our time today is up. But I do want to see you next week and do some homework,” she said.
“Homework?” Arjun asked.
“Yes. I understand you like to write. Write about your childhood. Specifically touch upon points where you felt any kind of suicidal ideation, anxiety, or phases where you were depressed.” she replied.
“Alright. And about Anjana?” he asked.
“We’ll save that for next week,” she said. “Most importantly, no more suicide attempts. You’re still young, you have a lot to live for. What we did before — when you had the anxiety attack, is an exercise called Grounding. Do try it out on your own whenever you feel it coming again. It’s an effective self-soothing method.” she said.
“Noted, doc. Thank you.” Arjun said, a little relieved.
“Taking the first step to work on yourself and get therapy is huge. I am proud of you for that and don’t worry, I am here for you and we will work through this” she said, smiling.
Arjun smiled back. He felt a sense of relief dawn over him as he got up to leave. As he left the room, he felt a little lighter than before. Most importantly, after a long time, he felt safe.
