Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt
What Makes You Scared? What Makes You Angry?
And how do you handle those emotions?
“You are completely responsible for your feelings.”
I heard this at church today, and my feathers ruffled.
I know, I know. We like to say things like I turned on the news and it made me angry. Or scared.
I got both angry and scared in fellowship after church today.
The woman who gave the talk and said the above teaches a class on Compassionate Listening. Over a St. Patrick’s Day feast of corned beef and cabbage, we discussed when would be a good time to schedule the next offering of her class. That didn’t make me angry. Or scared.
But our enthusiasm for her class set off one of our congregants, who I’ll call Vanessa. She got up and announced that she’s been a teacher/advocate of Non-violent Communication (NVC) — as taught by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg–for twenty years, but no one’s asking her to do a class.
She didn’t just say it.
While she didn’t yell, her voice was loud and sounded angry. Hearing her, I got scared. I wanted to write, she scared me, but that doesn’t go with being responsible for my feelings. But I did respond to her comment with fear and upset. So I sat there just listening and watching, unable to say anything for a bit, and not even sure why.
I paid attention to how others responded to Vanessa. Our speaker responded by saying, We hear you, Vanessa. Oh, yeah, duh! You can acknowledge what someone said and even how they felt without having to agree with the point they’re making. Even Vanessa does that.
If we had responded to the point she was making, it might not have been what she wanted to hear. It might have gone like this: “Gee, Vanessa, wasn’t it about a year ago that you and Andy were planning a class on NVC? But it never happened because the preparation process got so tense that Andy decided he couldn’t work with you.
That’s the challenge of people who express themselves passive-aggressively. We get their anger dumped on us, but all the while they’re playing the victim. Poor me, they end up saying, in decibels that offend the ears and heart.
But thanks to what our speaker shared, I needn’t get mad at her. She’s being herself. This is how she is. I should know this by now, because she says stuff like this, with an angry voice of hurt just about every time she comes. And, amazingly, she’s pleasant before and after.
In light of the message about taking responsibility for our feelings, I see that she could not have hurt me if I didn’t have a button ready to be pushed. Something in me hooked into her energy. Maybe some self-judgment about being insensitive and self-absorbed was just waiting for confirmation and boom! there it came.
Where does this leave me now?
With a unique opportunity to both forgive her and be gentle with myself.
I may say something to her. Something about how her outbursts scare me, and make me not want to sit too close to her, or take a class from her. And that while she has every right to her feelings, the choices she makes on how to express them do not seem to resonate with the principles of NVC. Or inspire confidence in me that she’d be a good choice to lead a class on it.
I could be wrong on this. I’d love to be wrong on this. But I don’t think I am.
The good news is that while we cleaned up after fellowship, I was able to compliment her on her colorful outfit. And other than the fact that I called her red vest orange, the conversation was amicable.
Right now I’m having this fantasy of greeting her with something like, let’s hurry up and have your criticism of the day so we can get it out of the way and go back to having a lovely time visiting during fellowship. But that would be stooping to her level. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Which brings me to this week’s Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt: What angers or scares you and how do you handle those emotions?
I’ll go first since I’ve already kind of started.
What scares me? Or, I should say, to what do I respond with fear?
Let’s see, I respond with fear to thoughts about what is or what more could go wrong with my health. I imagine my osteoporotic bones getting even more porous and weaker, causing my spine to get even more kyphotic, i.e. hunched over. Such that I end up disabled or needing a rod in my spine, or something equally drastic.
Of course, the bad thing doesn’t have to be my bones. It could be my heart which already has a regurgiating valve that doesn’t close all the way. Every now and again my blood pressure tanks and I get lightheaded. When that happens I have to sit or lie down wherever I am. Which is why I arrange for a wheelchair at airports. Yes, it’s humbling. But less spooky than having to lie down in the middle of everything.
How do I respond to this fear?
Sometimes I ask a lot of questions, gather information, and find out what I can do to prevent or at least slow down this deterioration. Now that I’m willing to take medication for my bones, I will communicate this to my doctor. And actually take it, unlike last time. I can be more vigilant about doing prescribed stretches and exercises. And finally, I can pray about my health, putting it in God’s hands, which is where it is anyway.
Which reminds me, dying scares me. Perhaps because it seems like such a lonely experience. Let me focus more on what’s on the other side, which I believe is full of Love and Light — as well as loved ones welcoming me — and less on what I’d be leaving behind.
What angers me? Or to what situations do I respond with anger?
Besides the news? Let’s leave that to the side.
I respond with anger to my roommate sometimes. During our recent adventure transferring our internet service from her to me gave me a few opportunities. For some reason, the process was taking a long time. Weeks even.
When she accused me of having a la-de-da attitude to the whole thing I got pissed. And let her know it.
Here I’d spend two and a half hours on one of many phone calls getting things organized. I was putting the account in my name and on my credit card. Saving her money and aggravation every month. So how dare she, right?
Only I didn’t say all that. I did imply it, however.
And you know? It worked. She became much more appreciative and cooperative. This is an important lesson for yours truly who has a hard time standing up for herself when she feels bullied.
Notice I did not say when she is bullied, but when she feels bullied. Rightly or wrongly I did feel bullied. But instead of cowering in fear, I allowed myself to get angry and used the energy of that anger to respond to her and stand up for myself.
This is a good lesson for me.
That standing up for myself works, more often than not. My job is to remember this and apply it as needed. Instead of shutting down, which was my go-to response to feelings of anger. That or comforting myself with sugar. Far better to speak my truth, which, after all, was what Vanessa did, albeit rudely.
Okay, that’s me. How about you? Again the pump-priming prompt: What angers or scares you and how do you handle those emotions?
We look forward to hearing from you!
Marilyn Flower is a sacred fool who writes fiction, poetry, and blogs, inspired by the practice of SoulCollage®. Her books: Developing Characters: Fun Ways to Cast Your Fiction, Creative Blogging, Bucket Listers. Follow her Sacred Foolishness or SoulCollage® for Writers, and Stay in touch!
