Adhivāsanā: Day One — Anxiety
“I sat on the edge of my bed and visions of doom danced through my head.”
The first proper day of class felt deceptively uneventful. We were introduced to Goenka-ji, our teacher and one of the originators of ‘modern’ Vipassana. Our assistant teacher, who would guide the class and answer questions, was an unassuming older gentleman named Van. We then started our practice by observing our respiration for three hour-long sessions (‘group sits’) throughout the day.
As a new student I failed to understand that between each hour-long group session, the longer breaks were intended for us to continue meditating in the hall or in our own quarters. I opted to go straight to bed before lunch.
I experienced feverish lucid daydreams — slivers of past debaucheries amplified by the anxiety and homesickness that loomed. Pool parties, dancing, elated consumption and worldly pleasures both sated my mental appetite and slated it for hours of misery.
I had my first lunch — a vegan offering du jour that would become more and more anticipated every day. It never occurred to me, but I’d be giving up coffee, cigarettes and meat — among other things — for ten-plus days.
After our second sitting, I went back to my quarters and realized I was vibrating with anxiety. I wanted to run away. I sat on the edge of my bed and visions of doom danced through my head.
Time flew by and as I was about to make peace with myself, collect my car keys and escape, the bell rang. It was time for tea.
I don’t remember the third sitting, or the rest of that night.
I couldn’t wait to find refuge in sleep.
That night, more visions of debauchery taunted me.
