Adhivāsanā: Day Five — Avarice
For the first time, hearing the first bell of the day was a relief. 4AM was no longer a challenge, but an opportunity. The terrors of the previous hours loomed heavily in my mind, and I still debated diving into the outside world, my imagination a sudden mess of activity.
I began to practice voraciously.
With the first group sitting, Goenka-ji introduced the concept of adhiṭṭhāna — strong determination. From this moment forward we were encouraged to move as little as possible during each group sitting.
I consistently struggled with this due to a longstanding knee injury and previous surgery. Nevertheless, I wasn’t dissuaded, and found myself shifting less and less. However, I’d still need to alternate between sitting and kneeling once or twice per session.
I became impatient. The end of the third group sitting came. Goenka-ji’s chanting felt mocking. My equanimity faltered.
After the night’s discourse, my impatience had subsided.
I started to internalize adhiṭṭhāna. I put away every comfort, every cushion and shawl that had supported me in my practice thus far, and sat stone-still for 45 minutes on the thin pad.
The pain was intense. I sat upon a white-hot skillet for what felt like eternity and made three passes, top to bottom.
And when Goenka-ji’s chanting came, I smiled, before realizing that I had white-knuckled myself still — every muscle fully striated for quite a while. Oops.
