Adhivāsanā: Day Six — Determination
Was this it? Was this salvation? Was some terrible emergency back home liberating me from my struggles?
The final session of the day before felt like a revelation. On this day I sat still through every group session without any furniture, smilingly and indifferently. I made my peace with the pain, and it began to dissolve, grain by grain.
Nevertheless, the discomfort was still there, and despite the determination, I still craved progress.
Goenka-ji instructed us to begin exploring the entire body, scanning with awareness from top to bottom and then bottom to top — experiencing the body as a whole after days of treating it as a series of components.
After the final sit of the day, I spoke with Van about the nature of suffering and our practice. I told him of last night’s revelation and the pain I had endured throughout the day. He spoke rare words of encouragement, but also cautioned me to not seek discomfort — to crave aversion or develop an aversion to craving. Instead, he recommended I get comfortable so I could begin to explore subtler sensations.
While on break, as I circled the perimeter, I heard a yelp. One of my fellow meditators, Jorge, had stepped on a garter snake — the biggest I’d ever seen. At its widest, its body was about as thick as a cured sausage from the deli — maybe four or five inches in diameter. He waved me over and we had a staredown with the snake for a bit, before moving on.
During our final sit of the night, my discomfort became overwhelming, and my determination faltered. As we finished the sit and I contemplated escaping again, Justen sidled up to me to deliver a message.
Was this it? Was this salvation? Was some terrible emergency back home liberating me from my struggles?
“Hi Max. The teacher says you can use the back wall to sit, if you’d like.”
I half-sighed, half-chuckled to myself. Back to work.
