4 Red Flags Your Parent Was a Narcissist

How to recognise and heal the damage of a toxic childhood.

High self-esteem is healthy for us. Narcissism is not.

Narcissism is characterised by a level of self-obsession so extreme that it interferes with maintaining normal relationships. We can all love ourselves a healthy amount — narcissism isn’t self-compassion, but self-obsession.

Narcissism falls on a continuum. Only ~1% of the population meeting the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

There are two pathological kinds of narcissism recognised in research: overt and covert.

Overt narcissism is the grandiose, caricature kind of arrogance we may be familiar with in a certain Very Stable Genius ex-president.

It’s more common in men, and children who have been raised to view themselves as superior to others.

Covert narcissism is more subtle. Covert narcissists struggle with deep-seated feelings of shame, and put others down because of it.

It’s more common in women, linked to high levels of neuroticism, and childhood trauma.

“The mask of the narcissistically wounded conceals profound sadness.” — Maxine Mei-Fung Chung, Psychoanalyst

If you have a narcissistic ex-partner, boss, friend, or even president, you’ll know firsthand what a destructive ripple effect narcissism can have.

Narcissists are unable to hold a normal level of empathy and respect in a relationship. The fallout of narcissism is incredibly damaging for everyone close to them.

Narcissistic parents hold their own common red flags. These are often harder to see if we are the child of a narcissistic parent — we are blinded by love, hope, and our warped view of a normal family.

Here are 4 warning signs you have been raised by a narcissist.

When seen together, it may be time to do some deep reflection over your familial dynamics, and consider therapeutic work to heal.

1. Highly controlling of your actions.

Normal parents set “firm but fair” expectations for behaviour. Narcissistic parents treat their children as their property.

They encourage childhood activities that reflect well upon the narcissist, so they can show off what a “good parent” they are. Achievements, high grades, high prestige hobbies, sports, and awards.

However, if the child excels too much, they may feel envious, and turn from public praise to critical and bitter in private.

As the child ages, the narcissist struggles — and ultimately, fails — to accept that their little project is now a complex, adult human with their own desires.

They may turn jealous, critical, bitter, or actively sabotaging as you succeed in your career rather than in school, for example. Because they can no longer take credit for your actions.

A very common method of control is to infantilise the adult offspring. This may be via invalidating their accomplishments, mocking their ability to survive on their own, withholding love and affection, monitoring their location and whereabouts, still calling the adult childish nicknames, or smothering them with attempts to do tasks for the adult offspring they have grown out of — cooking, cleaning, driving, etcetera — while mocking their ability to survive without them.

This is done to return their children to a malleable state, where they can be better controlled to meet the narcissist’s desires.

Red flags:

In a parent — authoritarian and demanding parenting style; boasts about child’s accomplishments continually to other parents; child seems subdued and afraid in parent’s presence; dramatic difference in public vs. private treatment of children.

In the self — highly perfectionistic; overachiever; fearful of criticism; struggles to recognise and be proud of accomplishments.

2. Criticised, humiliated and belittled you.

Narcissistic love is erratic and conditional, at best. The child of a narcissist struggles to remember a time they have felt truly loved by the parent.

Instead, they internalise a long list of complaints. Insults and character flaws they have been informed of by the narcissistic parent. A little like Bender in the Breakfast Club.

Over time, this is deeply damaging. The child struggles to develop a positive self-image, and may even doubt their own perception of reality.

Narcissism doesn’t necessarily lead to emotional and physical abuse. Sadly, it often does. At a minimum, narcissistic parenting causes childhood neglect due to an inability to empathise and meet their child’s needs.

Research has shown the ideal balance of interactions for a healthy relationship is 5 or more positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. This way, both sides are loving and supportive, while voicing valid concerns.

In a narcissistic parenting style, this balance is reversed. The child receives rare and intermittent drips of affection, called intermittent reinforcement, that keeps them emotionally dependent — while being broken down by disproportional criticism and insults most of the time.

Red flags:

In a parent — Makes “jokes” about children in front of visitors that seem unexpectedly mean-spirited or humiliating; yells at child for minor things, such as dropping a plate; hits child; continually breaks established boundaries or promises.

In the self — Highly critical inner voice; fearful of intimacy and/or making public mistakes; impostor syndrome.

3. Made you responsible for their emotional needs — not the other way around.

A widespread behaviour of narcissistic parents is called parentification.

Narcissists view their children as a tool to fulfil their needs. When the narcissist is feeling depressed, angry, or isolated, the child — regardless of young age — will be made to feel responsible for consoling and “parenting” their parent.

The child may be treated as a confidant or gossip partner.

This dynamic becomes particularly insidious if the parent is at odds with another adult — such as a rival on the playground circuit, or while going through a divorce.

In return, the child grows up to feel on edge and responsible for their parent’s emotions. They learn to suppress and invalidate their own needs.

Red flags:

In the parent — Treats child as a best friend; shares private information on other adults with child; exposes child to age-inappropriate information or intoxicant abuse; expects to be consoled by child.

In the self — Highly empathic; seems “old for their age”; struggles to identify or voice their own feelings; chronic feelings of guilt/shame; fakes positive emotions and hides negative ones beyond what is professionally expected.

4. Didn’t respond to your crying, pain, or needs.

Narcissists struggle with empathy. It is hard for them to see other people as more than reflections of themselves.

Subsequently, if they are happy when their child is upset or crying, they will be at a loss. They may resort to withdrawing themselves from the child, mocking them as “too sensitive”, or getting angry at the child for crying as “manipulative”.

Narcissistic parents will be particularly resistant to a child’s hurt if it is seen as their fault. Perceived criticism of a narcissist, or even the insinuation that their behaviour has led to upset or hurt, leads to narcissistic rage.

Red flags for narcissism are an inability to handle fair criticism or apologise in a genuine way. It threatens their self-concept too much.

To avoid threatening their self-concept with a feeling of guilt or shame, narcissists are spectacular deflectors. They are the Uno Reverse Card of human relations.

Most people can get defensive sometimes. But narcissists manage to convince themselves and others nothing is wrong 24/7: the problem is never with them. They are chronic gaslighters.

This warped perspective is joked about in the Narcissist’s Prayer:

“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”

Red flags:

In the parent — Doesn’t ask child about their day at school; ignores visible signs a child is injured or upset; reacts with explosive cruelty to perceived criticism; never apologises except to regain control and repeat the behaviour; manipulative gifts rather than apologies.

In the child — Internalises everything as own fault, even a classmate’s mistake; fearful of voicing opinions; doubts life choices and memories; feels ashamed of negative emotions; avoids seeking emotional support.

Summary

Narcissism is often the result of childhood trauma. Dysfunctional, intergenerational patterns can run in families — your narcissistic parent likely had a narcissistic parent.

Narcissism masks a deeply troubled, fragile ego that did not receive a healthy level of love and support.

It is not your responsibility to heal a parent’s narcissism. Or anyone else’s, for that matter. They can be encouraged towards therapy, but that is always their own responsibility. Not yours. Your priority is protecting and healing yourself.

Read that again if it doesn’t sink in.

Narcissistic parenting causes deep psychological damage. But it is healable.

The best thing that can be done to protect yourself from a narcissistic parent is physical/mental/emotional space, establishing firm boundaries, and an outside support network.

Trauma-informed therapy is excellent for healing from narcissistic wounds.

As Karen Nimmo points out, if you’re worried about being a narcissist, you’re highly unlikely to be a narcissist. However, you may have learned dysfunctional patterns of relating with others and self-denial that can be healed via therapy.

Identifying you have had a narcissistic parent can be incredibly hard to accept. You may experience stages of grief and cognitive dissonance.

Remember, you are far from alone. Recovery is possible with support and therapeutic work.

And you deserve love.

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