Why It’s Okay to Cry — Even if You’re a Man

Deconstructing the stigma surrounding men’s mental health.

Some years back, I cried uncontrollably during a chakra cleansing yoga class. Since I rarely cry, I shocked myself by breaking down in a public place like that.

But at the time, I was in the midst of dealing with a very difficult personal tragedy. Surprisingly, the crying felt pure and beautiful. I could feel a huge pile of pent up sadness being released, leaving me feeling light and unburdened.

A powerful yet peaceful energy was flowing through my body. This therapeutic experience, which lasted only for a few seconds, helped me move forward in the healing process.

Given how powerful this experience was, I wondered why many men are often not able to fully express their emotions. That’s what this article is about.

Why Don’t Men Show as Much Emotion as Women?

Since ancient times, men have typically been brought up to be strong, direct, and in control, while women are encouraged to be caring, compassionate and nurturing.

These behavioural patterns are reinforced throughout early life with the kind of toys young children are given, gender-based colour choices, pop culture references, and behavioural expectations.

It’s common for young boys to be sternly reprimanded when they cry. At school, boys are sometimes mocked for displaying emotion — construed as a form of weakness. This behaviour gets strengthened during the various stages of life, eventually becoming an integral part of male behaviour.

Interestingly, it was the female liberation movement from the early 1900s that highlighted the origins of gender stereotypes. However, unlike women, who were denied basic rights like voting and working, gender stereotyping did not have a very noticeable effect on men’s lives.

As a result, men did not have any major movement. With no such revolution, very little light has been shed on the adverse impact of men's limitations in expressing and experiencing emotions.

Yin and Yang

At a practical level, emotional responses like crying or laughing are a natural outlet for sadness or happiness. During low points in life, emotions enable us to process our sorrow and facilitate recovery.

Putting up a brave front does not address the gloom inside. It just masks it, redirecting the energy elsewhere in the form of anger or nastiness towards something harmless. Often spouses, kids, and colleagues bear the brunt of our emotions.

When these feelings are repressed for long durations, they can lead to nervous breakdowns, anxiety or prolonged depression. On the happiness front, celebrating and feeling our joys helps deepen the experience. It allows us time to consciously feel good about ourselves and be in the moment.

At a conceptual level, almost all spiritual and religious texts encourage us to embrace the combined power of the masculine and feminine energy inside each of us — the yin and the yang. This is even more critical in modern times, given our increasingly independent and individualistic society.

The thing is, we need to be whole and complete by ourselves and not seek others to complete us. By accessing their feminine energy, men are not in danger of losing their masculinity. Instead, they move from a lopsided persona to a more balanced one.

Barriers to getting started

Once we acknowledge the importance of expressing vulnerability and emotions, the next challenge is working through the barriers of execution. The world sees us in a certain way, and any big shifts in our patterns of behaviour can alarm people around us.

The best selling author Brené Brown, tells the story of a man who found the greatest repercussion of ‘being vulnerable’ was his wife. She could not adjust to seeing him differently.

Furthermore, our entire ecosystem, including friends, family, and office colleagues, needs to shift mindset collectively. Like the feminist movement, progressive change can take decades or centuries, but the process needs to start somewhere.

Fortunately, there has been some progress. Pop culture has started portraying the modern man as an emotive but strong person. Who doesn’t love seeing champions like Roger Federer shed a few tears?

Parents are teaching boys to be kind and considerate while misogynistic traits are being cast aside. The world is changing.

Redefining Manhood

These shifting trends are inspiring men to reconsider and redefine their manhood. Men might not wish to shock the system by sudden bursts of huge emotions, but they can take baby steps towards a more balanced self.

As a starting point, in solitude, men can consciously experiment with emotions, without the judgement of others. By accepting whatever comes up, they can slowly train themselves to be comfortable with feelings.

The next step could be doing the same with one’s spouse or a close ally. With him/her, one can build a safe space to be vulnerable.

These two steps will create momentum for this behaviour to percolate into other areas of life. At work, it will enhance emotional intelligence, which multiple studies have identified as a key trait for leaders to be successful in their organisations. In our personal lives, men will be able to make deeper and more real connections with their families and friends.

By recognising emotions as a critical life tool and integrating them holistically into their lives, men can lead a more balanced, productive, and fulfilling life