How I Really Feel Coming Back From A Holiday
I know we hear the term post holiday syndrome a lot. You get all depressed and down, dreading to head back to work, dreading to go back to work “reality”. For many years I challenged myself, is this “reality” a perception of ours, maybe if we change our perspective, it might not be that dreadful after all. What if I have a great life, there is nothing dreadful to come back to. What if I didn’t have to work, would it be still as dreadful?
It becomes even harder when you go alone on a trip without your partner, does it mean that you don’t look forward to seeing them? I feel guilty of it, if even a choice, I would very much like to not come back. I know holidays are fleeting thus I choose to go on longer holidays, I feel that when I finally feel satiated, I will naturally want to head “home” wherever the home will be, or I will naturally want to head elsewhere. But the realities of life does not work this way, you can’t do that and have a full time job at the same time. That is what I’ve been struggling with the most.
Often when I come back to city life ( I live in Singapore) , I feel a little out of balance and it takes me some time to adjust back to it. The realities of living in a competitive society is burdensome. I feel like I literally have to be re program again and do the same thing over and over again every day. I feel like a robot and the city is my cage. I find it so difficult to speak to anyone about how I feel because I fear they won’t understand, they don’t understand the freedom I’ve felt, the expansiveness of the mind, the conversations I’ve had, the serene time I’ve spent alone.
I guess I could stop travelling altogether to avoid these periods of readjustments and let myself be conditioned forever. At least there is no constant struggle in my head. I wonder if everyone feels the same? I see many travelers on socials that left their day to day life and travel the world, be a digital nomad, be a meme coin trader ( that was really a jab in someone’s face) but honestly you could be whatever the help you want because no one can say no it’s not right. There is no central governing body to a person who chooses not to be governed. I don’t know but I see so much beauty in that, so much freedom and so much courage.
While I yearn for the grass on the greener side, I wonder what struggles does the person on the greener side has. Do they also sometimes feel the same on my side? I’m sure they would, those periods of loneliness, uncertainties, being alone in their journey.
How does one choose which side to be on? Or do people have the luxury of choice? Or do people actually thought about the different lives that they could lead before deciding on one. Or there are people like me that is struggling with reality of financials? Can I really support myself not having a job? Do I really want to do this alone? And constantly battling in my head that my time to choose is running out. I’ve wanted out of Singapore in 2019, but it’s 2024 now.
Yet, here I am sitting at a cafe right after a trip contemplating over these same questions over again. I’m afraid that I will look back again in 5 yrs time and wonder why I didn’t even try. Even just for a year. I’m afraid I’m going to live with regret. Yet I’m also afraid of losing my loved one, my job I’ve worked so hard for, my life that I’ve tried so hard to build.
Or am I just being an ungrateful bitch, someone that can’t be contented, someone that already has so much but still want more and more. Someone that does not know how to appreciate the simplicities of life.
But what if I’m never meant for this city life? What if I’ve always wanted a life of freedom, to be able to read, travel and to learn about history and culture of the world?
Am I still daydreaming ? Does anyone feel the same?
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