I want to write a suicide note
Content Warning: If you experience suicidal thoughts or are struggling with self-harm, the following post could potentially be triggering.
I want to write a suicide note
so I’m writing this instead.
My head longs for escape
my mind can’t shake the weight
so I’m writing this instead.
My brain runs through all the ways I could let this day be my last,
but I can’t betray the part of me — however small — that wants to stay,
so even though suicide’s appeal is alluring
I know deep down my God is faithful and enduring
so I’m writing this instead.
Still it’s hard for me to understand why anyone would want to be here
after taking one look outside or turning on the news,
yet I know the choice I have to choose
so with my beating chest, and I cheat my best-laid plans and write this instead.
When my hands want to hurt
and my skins aches to break,
leaving marks in the night that only show dark in the light —
all I want is to leave
but I’m writing this instead.
I go to bed, but my mind goes to war.
There’s a monster that comes out at night;
his power peaks when the sun is asleep
morphing into something I don’t recognize,
waking me from my dreams with a tantalizing scream so shattering I can’t breathe.
But after thousands of nights filled with these fights that I feel like I’ve lost, God flashes the scoreboard and reminds me He actually hasn’t lost one yet
so I’m writing this instead.
I’m writing this instead because it’s better than the alternative
and I’m fighting to alter my narrative.
Instead of trying to ease my tears by teasing my ears
with the seduction of destruction
for a piece of a peace of mind I know I’ll never get —
instead of letting the same scene replay that’s only led to death and decay,
instead of letting it nudge me along, convince me I don’t belong
I don’t feel strong but I know writing a suicide note right now would be wrong.
My brain tempts me, tells me it would just be a precaution,
but I’ve seen that one before and I know it only ends with my dead body in a coffin
and this pain doesn’t get to take me to the grave after that price has already been paid
so I’m writing this instead.
But honestly, sometimes I hate the part of me that won’t let me kill myself,
that won’t let me leave as I beg and plead,
but it won’t retreat
won’t offer me the reprieve I so desperately seek.
I’ve tried to shut it up.
Drown it in alcohol
starve it for days
cut it in pieces
I’ve tried every way but still it holds firm.
Committed to keeping me from committing
I believe that’s Jesus in me
so I’m writing this instead.
I’ve written and rid myself of suicide notes before.
I throw them out just to rewrite them
delete them off my computer to eventually retype them.
But I’ll do that as many times as I need
because I’ve learned the only thing more resilient than my pain is He who is living in me
so as long as pain persists
I know I’ll persist, too.
Tonight I wanted to write a suicide note,
so I wrote this instead.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.
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