When My Body is Not Only My Own
I wish someone had warned me that I would be sharing my body for more than the nine months of pregnancy!
Soon after my daughter's birth, it sank in — I was no longer just “me." The diminished ownership of my body and lack of time alone was a shocking adjustment. From the physical responsibility to my fashion choices, my infant’s needs had to weigh into each decision and action. This was tough! I was used to directing my own life, but now I’m forced to always take another person into account. Always. No breaks.
A thorough night’s sleep was impossible. The freedom to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted to was limited. I could not eat a meal in peace, neither did I have complete freedom to eat whatever or whenever I wanted. If I felt even slightly under the weather, I worried about whether I might start to feel worse and which medications were safe for breastfeeding. I had to keep my hair short or up, otherwise, strands of it would be painfully yanked out by tiny hands. There were dresses or shirts I couldn’t wear because clothes needed to be nursing friendly. There were purses that remained unused in my closet because bags had to be large and hardy enough for hauling around diapers, extra clothes, wet wipes, bottles, … (you get the idea). These are but a few of the numerous choices that I previously never had to think about.
Prior to having children, I had not realized how much the ability to make those choices freely (however small or insignificant they may be in the larger scheme of life) contributed to me feeling like a person as opposed to an anonymous body that served the needs of another. I’ve heard that becoming a mother meant “dying to self." And yes, it is indeed a meaningful experience to sacrifice my comfort and individuality for my child. Becoming a mother expanded my perspective beyond myself and revealed to me a deeper aspect of love. And I do acknowledge that it is a privilege to be able to spend so much time with my children.
At the same time, entering motherhood is difficult! The struggle inherent in this new identity is especially salient when my body’s actions are no longer subject only to my own whims. It is easy to feel trapped and stifled, suddenly wonder who I am, or think, “I will never be free again."
However, feelings are not facts. The facts are:
- Babies are not babies forever. This situation is temporary. Taking a long term view helps me see a way out and not feel stuck.
- My infant will become more independent over time (as evidenced by my opinionated 3-year-old).
- I am not the sole caregiver, and by taking turns with another adult, I do get small breaks!
- As my child grows, so do I! I may not feel like the “old me" exactly, but this current version is still me — perhaps just a little more tired, with more practice at multitasking, but with a wider perspective on life.
If you’re a new mother like I am, take heart! One day, we will get to wear what we want to again, we will have the freedom to go places unencumbered again, and we will sleep again.
If you’re reading this and find yourself struggling, you’re not alone! New mum life is tough! I encourage anyone struggling with the trials, triumphs, and changes that emerge with motherhood to seek consultation with a professional.
Resources for perinatal and postpartum depression:
This essay is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with questions regarding your own condition. Do not disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read here.
