A Letter to My Friend About Why I Left the Mormon Church
There’s a woman from my past whom I really admire. I remember sitting in on a panel she and her husband were doing about marriage for a group of youth from our church. This was approximately 20ish years ago and Gemma and her husband Miles had the kind of relationship I knew I had to have.
A short time later, for one of our youth group activities (girls only), we created wedding time capsules to include cutouts from magazines of dresses and colors and rings we loved as well as letters from the people we love. It also included how many kids we wanted and what we wanted their names to be. It had quotes and poems about that special day and my mom even included a gift. So I asked the people I loved to write me letters to me and/or my future husband. One of them was Gemma.
Our stories had followed similar paths. She knew she wanted to marry Miles when she was 16. I knew it with David at 17 or 18 but that there was a mission ahead just as there was for Gemma and Miles. A mission is a 2 year commitment of proselyting for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Back then, it meant writing letters only and calls twice a year. David’s mom was always so freaking generous about letting me talk to him on those days (Mothers Day and Christmas). There are not very many mission success stories where the couple ends up together at the end of the 2 years. Someone always ends up with a Dear John or Dear Jane. But they made it and so did we. Gemma and Miles were best friends. David and I were too. She writes in her letter, “I have seen too many marriages fail because the people didn’t love each other and felt obligated to continue…Love is the most important.”
It’s been from a distance that I have watched her family grow up and her kids marry all the while still admiring her and Miles’ relationship. I know what you see on the internet isn’t always what it really is but having known them in real life, it’s easy to see their relationship has aged well. This has given me so much hope.
I’ve quietly been sharing my feelings about my church journey and only recently (I think) claimed it publicly. It was after I shared something about wanting to be sensitive to my actively believing friends that she reached out and asked about it which I’m so thankful for. She’s the first person outside my close inner circle to actually ask about why I left. It felt sincere and genuine and I haven’t responded. Till right now.
Dear Gemma,
Sorry I haven’t responded. I’ve never been asked directly why. You asked whether it was historical stuff, leadership issues, or doctrine and the truth is, it’s none of those things.
It was the bumper sticker. I saw a bumper sticker on a car awhile ago and what it said stuck with me.
Okay so there was more to it than a bumper sticker obviously. I’ve had a mild crisis of faith for basically my whole life starting with my parents divorce at age eleven and no single bishop, well into my 20's (I stopped asking in my 30's), could give me a sufficient answer as to what would happen to my family for eternity. It started as concern for my own eternal future (because I wasn’t married and my dad and my mom were divorced and does that mean we won’t be together? and then what will happen because he isn’t worthy and then once he died it all got much worse) and evolved into worry over my own eternal welfare. So that’s what started it for me at a young age. Then there were the questions of faith over various topics but overall I’ve felt so lucky to have the testimony I had for all of those years. It saved me on a number of occasions I think. I was firm in my belief despite my questions. My shelf was full but so was my heart… full of the spirit and belief and faith. I went to college and really questioned the church because of the clash between the patriarchy and feminism. My sister first introduced me to feminism because she attended college a few years ahead of me and took women's studies classes so it had been on my mind but I didn’t have anywhere to turn to about it. I’ve never struggled with the temple but I’ve always struggled with the temple if that makes sense but I kept on keeping on. Then the 2015 policy happened. We lived in Germany at the time and I had already been wrestling with my faith pretty seriously. It was weird though because despite being overseas, in Germany, in the middle of a German town, I was surrounded by the BEST members of the church ever. Omg. I needed those people. To this day they are my favorite humans. All of that neighborhood, LDS or not. God wanted me in that wonderful German congregation so I stayed. In Italy, though, we stepped back. Sadie wanted to be baptized and our bishop at the time told David, “We want to make sure the Gospel is being taught in your home” and then he was told she would have to have the missionaries come teach her before she could be baptized. I always talk about this time though,where we were driving the back roads of an Italian village, and David and I both discussed our recent departure from regular church attendance and how it felt so good. It felt like a release of a burden. We felt freedom like we never had. We felt Gods presence. We felt love. It was pretty magical. And so after that, we just existed. When we got here to Colorado, I started unpacking the stuff on my shelf. I’ve been through a lot of the big ones: my marriage, temples, garments, Word of Wisdom, Law of Chastity, but I still have so many to unravel. The most important thing though? Is that I feel peace.
I saw that bumper sticker and I knew. God told me so. ;-) I became an atheist for awhile and it was hella lonely. lol. I write about the beginning of my journey to find God again a little here. I recently finished reading Finding God in the Waves. I’m also currently reading What We Talk About When We Talk About God.
So what it ultimately IS for me right now, is the church isn’t for me but I’m happy it works for you. Sure we could talk about doctrine and things, but what’s important to me is that you feel happy and that I feel happy and that we can exist happily together and there’s no accompanying fear, guilt, or shame. It feels so good.
To be honest, my biggest fear is/was that something would change between us. Something like me suddenly not being able to relate to you and Miles all because I don’t take the sacrament regularly anymore? Sounds crazy and I’m glad it isn’t that way. You are the change I love about the church. I see it happening more and more. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to go and proudly announce all the things about who I am now that would definitely get me excommunicated today and maybe I can go back. ha. I sometimes wish I could. I said that yesterday to a group of women I talk to regularly. We are all in different places spiritually and I mentioned wishing it could be the church because the church feels like home. Mike McHargue says in his book,
“My story of breaking up with my church is one in which both sides had the best of intentions. I was following a path toward who I believed God wanted me to be, and my church was being faithful in a way its members understood. But to stop fitting in at a church one loves can prove incredibly painful.”
I feel that. I feel it to it’s core but I’m on the search again and I’m excited. I’m so thankful for people like you who give me space to be me and that we can learn and love each other as we do this journey of life. Thank you for being in my life for all of these years. You’re truly a gem of a human. Let’s continue the discussion in our dm’s :-). Or, if you want to write a public response, I’d love that too. Most importantly, I love you!
