Parenting Trans Kids

Skirting Gender: A Common Mistake Made by Parents of Trans Kids

The things you DON’T say to them can create a loud silence

We often engage in gendered or gender-affirming (or even gender enforcing) words and actions with our kids. We use this to bond with them (girls’ mani-pedi day, mall clothes shopping for girls, sports or cars or such for guys). I remember my mother taking me to watch West Side Story with her. I remember my father taking me to watch The 24 Hours of Le Mans with him.

We model behavior, we mold their young minds. We teach gender expression and define societal expectations. I talked about that at length in a previous article.

Often, when a child manifests as other than cisgender-hetero normative, parents continue the gendered patterns, to the detriment of the child’s wellbeing.

Some parents do better. Some parents drop the gendered patterns. Some never really did much of this, to begin with.

But what many miss is the opportunity to lean in. Many trans boys get a big kick out of spending a Saturday morning changing the oil on the Trans Am with Dad. Many trans girls love a trip to Sephora, or learning family recipes from Mom.