The Difference Between Being a Victim vs. “Playing the Victim”
Not all victims are manipulative. Feeling like a victim has taken on negative connotations, but there are people who ”play the victim” in order to manipulate you. This is a favorite defense of narcissists and other personality-disordered people. In some other instances, this behavior is learned as a child because as a way to get needs met. I refer to them here as “actors.” Sometimes, actors act consciously and more often it’s unconscious and automatic, like most of our defense mechanisms.
Codependents and other empathetic people with poor boundaries are easily manipulated and can end up in long-term relationships with a narcissist or someone who uses this tactic. They suffer from guilt and blame, hurt and resentment that their needs and feelings aren’t being considered.
Here are some signs you’re being played by an actor:
- They don’t take responsibility. When we feel like a victim, we externalize the source of our pain, so we’re not accountable. Narcissists never want to take responsibility because it tarnishes their image of perfection, which is really all a defense to hidden shame.
- They try to shift the blame to you — anything to not take responsibility for their own mistakes or shortcomings. When you first meet a narcisisst notice if they blame other people…
