“I Know It’s Trash, Thank You”

How to react to unfair criticism–with class

By 652234 / 5348 images on Pixabay

Bad criticism is like having COVID: it’s crude, you didn’t ask for it, and it hurts.

It’s long after the sunset, and you’re tiredly unlocking the door to your house. Unsuspecting and vulnerable, slowly, you take your shoes off and walk into the room. Suddenly, the light turns on, and your partner stares at you bitterly. In no time, your cozy apartment has turned into a dragon’s den, from which you’ll never be released alive.

“Have you worked overtime again?” they ask. Both of you know the truth, but you’re forced to repeat it. Unfortunately, courage has left you so you choose the deafening silence. Yet, there’s a kind of silence that’s almost as loud as a shout, and how true it is! Soon, it’s broken again: “You’re such an egoist! You only think of yourself and never of me! I’m not saying this for the first time, and yet, you NEVER change!”

Now, it’s easy to get angry because you’ve just experienced bad criticism in its purest form. The worst, however, isn’t the vulgarity of it but how personal it is. If they criticized your work or behavior–fine. But the person as a whole? Not only does it put you in a position where “something’s wrong with you,” but also suggests the unlikeliness of improvement.

I vividly remember hearing some folk complain about his girlfriend. He said she treated him like a “project.” And what is a project? Something to be changed, improved, or perhaps even discarded if things get out of control. Probably, he didn’t like the criticism she was feeding him.

Unfortunately, most of us weren’t taught how to give constructive criticism, and it’s no surprise we do it terribly. Therefore, it’s highly probable that you’ll encounter it on your way. Now, you can either react accordingly and end everything with a divorce letter or stay calm and get to the root of the issue–I’m here for the second.

Say no to pseudo-stoicism

Duelling-pistols for the hero of Waterloo from the book The Oxford Thackeray by William Makepeace Thackeray

Stoicism? Absolutely! Pseudo-stoicism? Absolutely not! And it all started with: “Oh, hey Anna, how do I make it so that other people’s words don’t affect me?” This person brushed past Stoicism and concluded that to be a Stoic–you don’t feel emotions. So their goal was to become an “immovable mountain which doesn’t give a f.”

What, indeed, an admirable goal that is!

No, but seriously. Anyone who studied Stoicism more closely will tell you that it isn’t a matter of not feeling but not acting on your emotions impulsively. There’s no way criticism won’t hurt. Why? Two words: social animals. Yes, we are them; I still curse at this fact sometimes.

However, this wouldn’t be such a problem if our brain evolved timely for the 21st century. Yet, we’re still stuck at the “I was rejected” = “I’m going to die” phase. Therefore, don’t aim at not feeling negative emotions because it’s against your brain, and the result will probably be: not feeling anything at all (both the pleasant and the unpleasant.)

Believe it or not, the lack of emotions is way worse than having negative ones (in the longer term). How do I know? Other people have experienced it, so you don’t have to, and it’s all described here:

How the CIA Discovered the Shortest Path to Madness

So, what can you do? Control your reaction, don’t ignite the fire, and manage the crisis. This way, it will hurt less, and you’ll save your dignity by not engaging in a barking fight. Don’t worry, I have the exact, easy steps for it.

Control the body, control the mind

Controlling the mind is harder than controlling the body. But, the body can influence the mind. To have an easier time, let’s fix our body language first and allow the mind to follow. What happens when you’re criticized? Most commonly: your muscles tense up, you may cross your arms, show annoyance on your face, etc.

Now, some of it is unconscious, and that’s fine. We’ll control what we can. The first step is to change your posture, according to what I mentioned above. However, there’s also one, often omitted, detail that makes all the difference: eye contact. Or rather, the lack of it. Here comes the bomb: “Lack of [eye] contact and blinking are interpreted as submissive.”

So, take care of your body language and respond the way you want.

Is it bullshit, or does it actually make sense?

How do you tell the difference? Let’s say you were called “an egoist,” as in our mini-story from before. It sounds, and more importantly feels, like gibberish. What if I told you there’s a simple way to know if it’s the case? But before that, a maxim to live by: be curious first, insulted you’ll be later.

Here’s the method: ask the specific (and many!) examples: “What do you mean by egoistic?” “When and what did I do to make you feel like that?” The potentially valuable criticism will point out precisely what, when, how, and why what you did was unpleasant. If the other person can’t do that, their anger probably wasn’t ignited by you.

Don’t get me wrong: sometimes it’s pure malice, but other times, it may be an unfulfilled need. And if you care for that person, it might be helpful to talk to them about it and listen to what they say.

“PACA” will save y’all

Let’s wrap it all up and use a sweet little acronym for it. To stay classy, use “PACA”:

1. “PA” like “PAuse”
   If it is a direct conversation, it probably won’t be longer than 10s. However, if you were criticized by a text message or an email, pause for as long as necessary to cool down.
2. “C” like “Calm.”
   This is the time to take care of your body language but perhaps relax as well. The most common ways to do that are: conscious, deep breathing, forced yawns (to increase the blood flow and cool down), and reverse counting (100, 99, 98, etc.)
3. “A” like “Action.”
   By now, you, hopefully, pulled yourself together, so it’s time to respond–with class. If the criticism wasn’t constructive right away, ask for clarification and specific examples. If the other person provides them, great! A new way to improve yourself. If they don’t, that’s rubbish.

And how do you react to rubbish? First, remember that some people just want to have fun splashing fire everywhere. Don’t waste your energy on this: it’s hell precious.

So go ahead, give them your coldly elegant and charming smile, and say one of these cliché phrases like “Thank you SO MUCH for your INVALUABLE advice, such a pleasure!” You can laugh now.

Fun fact & final thought

I heard about this acronym in a podcast that was in Spanish. Funnily enough, the words matched, and I didn’t need to change anything. You see, the “PA” was for “PAusa,” the “C” for “Calma,” and the “A” for “Acción.” How curious that is! By the way, if you know Spanish, you can check it out.

Remember about “PACA” and stay classy, folks!