January is for: meditation

If it weren’t for my mind, my meditation would be excellent.

— Ani Pema Chodron

Suddenly, meditation is everywhere.

And I am not only talking about the usual hippie-hipster western spirituality seekers (myself included) or timferris-y self-improvement freaks (also me). Marines do it, wall street traders do it, prisoners do it, Arianna Huffington does it (hilarious podcast, btw). With alleged benefits reaching from stress reduction, boosting immune system to combating depression and even making your brain grey matter expand, meditation seems to be this all-encompassing Obelix wonder juice (if the juice was about making you more at peace with yourself and not smashing Romans all over the place).

Although still in its infant years, science entered the equation, too, bringing more and more studies in favor of meditation. It is hard to get precise about it, but a Quora user (Quora’s newsletter is the only one I truly read!) estimated that at least a million people meditate worldwide and another one cited a study claiming 8% of US citizens and 1,6% children used meditation in 2012 (that is 18- and nearly 1 million people, respectively). Several Eastern traditions can’t be wrong, so I figured, it is one of these hypes we should be glad are happening.

But once you get overexcited along the lines of “it will totally change my life and I will finally get my shit together”, you sit down, close your eyes and pretty fast the bitter truth sinks in. This wonder tastes like boredom, impatience, doubt and loosing the feeling in your calves at first. My path to persistence took some time.

After 10 years, the time was right

I tried to make meditation one of my routines several times before my January challenge. I was confronted with the actual concept of meditation years back, around 2008, when a friend of mine went hardcore and did a 10 days Vipassana retreat right off the bat while traveling in India. It was her launch onto the spiritual path that lasts until today but I also recall her stories about joints hurting and people farting just right onto her face during long hours of silence. I guess it was hard to focus on the breath.

I was curious but not ready. Also, maybe still a bit too cynical towards what seemed like too much spirituality in my crazy party twenties. So it wasn’t until 2015 when I was going through what felt like a crisis and the infamous “monkey brain” was reaching new highs, when meditation ended up on a table of choices again. Technology obsessed as I am , I installed the Headspace app and used it intensely for about 3 weeks to get me through my racing brain days and then stopped. I used it as a remedy, not something preventive or even proactive. Which is somewhat ironic — meditation is supposed to help you become a less reactive person.

Then, during my 4-months trip to South-East Asia in 2017, we ended up at a 2-days introduction to meditation “workshop” organized by buddhist university monks near Chiang Mai. It was the first time I was silent for more than 24h among people and it felt surprisingly strange and due to the setting a bit like… a game. We learned 4 types of meditation, wore white outfits, chanted before food, gave each other “looks” and woke up at 4 in the morning. It was exciting, it was new, it was in a group and kind of vacation challenge. We then went on to Myanmar and looked back at it as a great lesson but didn’t continue.

Now, in January 2018, 10 years after coming onto my radar, I felt ready to try to make meditation part of my daily life, where it belongs, and set myself up for long-term habit.

The facts

I tracked my progress with the Headspace app that teaches mindfulness meditation and cheers you up (or brings you down) by counting your regularity. I achieved a “51 days streak” which was way more than a month. I did 10 minutes a day, occasionally going crazy with 15 minutes or even, wow, meditating twice a day. Congrats, Kasia! Now, let’s evaluate.

What was easy?

The easy part, or the one, that made it possible to begin with, was that it was truly just 10 minutes of my time. I didn’t feel discouraged, I knew it was a fast deal. Even if I would bullshit around, it wouldn’t last for too long and I would be able to throw myself into life (or sleep) shortly after. Having an app made it also easy to follow a “pack”, gave me guidance, needed at the start.

What was hard?

It sounds ridiculous, but during the busy workweek sometimes it was just impossible to find the time in the morning, to find these bloody 10 minutes! So oftentimes I ended up meditating just before sleeping which sometimes ended in me falling asleep, loosing focus. Was it cheating? Well, no. Even if you try, you meditate, they say.

I shall mention the meditation itself was hard, as well. It is damn hard to focus on your breath only. Thoughts just keep coming no matter what. They appear out of nowhere, sneaking into my perfectly prepared clean slate of focus. Before I even notice what is happening, I am already thinking about booking flights to Tokyo and cooking risotto for dinner. I tried but I wasn’t able to focus even on five straight breaths in a row. I know how it sounds, but try and see.

Did I continue?

Yes and no. Yes, but not every day. I enjoy it still but sometimes I simply don’t find the time and that’s fine. I don’t blame myself. But whenever I get to it, I am happy I did. As a habit, I will try to maintain it.

What did I notice?

It felt better to meditate in the morning than in the evening. It set me up right for the day and gave some sense of achievement right at its start. I already did something, I meditated, I did something for my brain and overcame my rushing nature. I also noticed that the 10 minutes were the right time to make me sit long enough, especially on days where I was more distracted, to overcome the initial annoyance of “doing nothing” and start feeling the peace and enjoying it. I bet that if it was 5min I wouldn’t get there.

What changed?

To be perfectly honest, not super much. I don’t know if it would be a fair expectation to be hoping for mind-blowing (notice the word game) changes after a month. And I didn’t. I don’t go into these challenges with any kind of expectations in order to keep it simple and stressless.

But something changed and the little bit that did, is a great start. “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”, said Lao Tzu. If you are the achiever type, like I consider myself to be, you don’t stop, you don’t even have the time to celebrate because you are already planning the next thing. You live in the future. This is exhausting.

What my 52 days of regular meditation gave me is that I am way more mindful when hustling. When my mind goes on a spiral of slight panic or blending thousand todos I now, occasionally, stop myself and I try to see what’s happening, instead of freaking out in the middle of it.

I started to deliberately think about my thoughts and the way my brain constructs them. And wow, observing your thoughts is such an abstract process when you think about it (again, how meta!). Adding the extra layer between yourself and the thoughts is freaky because…if I am not my thoughts (I can observe them and think about them)but I still think them, what are they to me? If you want to go deeper with this, I recommend the fantastic podcast episode of Sam Harris in which he interviews the German philosopher Thomas Metzinger. The ethics of a conscious AI and the notion of the goal of meditation — the nirvana state — being essentially the cessation of existence, of the “I” are just a few of many topics they touch upon. Thank me later.

Now, going back to more mundane terms, I must say that although it is sometimes hard to start, once I do, I enjoy taking the time for myself. I truly allow myself to relax my brain, not planning, worrying or making any todo lists (I still do them but I try to notice it and come back to my focus). Surprising thoughts, ideas and memories start coming when you create some space and swipe the floor of your mind for the 10 minutes a day.

And finally, I don’t give a damn if I am doing it wrong or right, I know that every day I can try again and I will finally progress. This chill, that’s new!

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And now for February: a month without alcohol, already 18 days in and counting!

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This post is part of my 2018 OneChangeAtaTime challenge where I try to introduce a new habit into my life one month at a time. Read all about it here, maybe you will join me?