Photo by Ngaere Woodford-Bender on Unsplash

36 Life Lessons from My 36th Year

Pearls of wisdom from my most awe-inspiring lap around the sun ever.

Oh my stars, that just happened. What just happened? Everything. In just 12 months … and I documented all of it. On October 3, 2018, I turn 36 years old. As I did last year, I’ve compiled the most poignant, prescient pearls of wisdom from the things I’ve done and written, and wrapped them up here for you. I hope you enjoy them. Thanks for reading.

1. The three greatest traits you can cultivate in yourself, or look for in others, are humility, curiosity and empathy.
2. Everything sucks at first. Very few things suck forever. You’re not lazy. You’re just afraid.
3. The world is shitty enough. You don’t need to help it along by making shitty life choices.
4. The only way we beat back the twin-barreled firing squad of loneliness and impermanence is by staying healthy, and doing things that matter to us, with the people we love.
5. Find your future; it won’t come looking for you.
6. Instead of setting goals, focus on daily excellence.
7. Never read the comments. It’s just a bunch of angry white dudes.
8. The key to sucking less at things is: Incremental improvement via conscious repetition.
9. The key to confidence is to set ourselves up for failure not in a way that we’re surprised or defeated, but rather encouraged and comforted.
10. Nobody cares how good you are … they care how good you are for them.
11. Loneliness isn’t feeling like you don’t really know anybody. It’s feeling like nobody could ever really know you.
12. Synthesis is the act of seizing the moment, using the tools provided, imparting your perspective, and turning it into something different and/or better than what’s already there.
13. Be honest, but fair. Act appropriately and read the goddamned room. Be a better version of yourself. Seek Truth in all its wondrous forms. Be harmlessly weird if it’s something you’re passionate about. Own up to what you do.
14. The greatest gift you can give anyone is your belief in them.
15. Overnight Successes Don’t Happen Overnight.
16. We value people who meet our expectations, unless they subvert and exceed them in spectacular fashion.
17. You deserve your life. You deserve equal and ample opportunity to live it as fully as you can. You deserve to fight for your inner peace and pursuit of happiness. You deserve to reach down into your soul to breathe life into the souls of others.
18. We create the reality that shapes us.
19. Showing up is not enough. What matters is how you show up.
20. Happiness is overrated. Once we have peace, we will no longer need to seek happiness.
21. You’ll never get ahead if you spend all your time trying to get even.
22. Love should be two independent people who enjoy each other’s company, share things with each other, and safely maintain a sense of autonomy throughout the process of sinking into each other’s orbit — two planets orbiting the same sun together, instead of one planet crashing into another, leaving both damaged.
23. Everything you do and, by extension, everything you are, is filtered through everything you think, and everything you feel.
24. Run your race.
25. It’s okay to be three-dimensional. This world is dark. And getting darker. You’re going to feel some things, and many of them won’t be pleasant. The better you get at naming them, sharing them and processing them, the more you’ll grow.
26. Instead of aiming toward success: ask yourself what you like to do, what you’re willing to suffer for, and what problems you want to solve. Then, go out and do those things, suffer for those things, and solve those problems.
27. The waves are not the ocean.
28. There’s a massive difference between being nice and being good.
29. The meaning of life is to serve others with the purpose of easing the burden of suffering.
30. To leave a legacy, be the first, be the best, or be the only.
31. Nothing turns out how you think it will. Life is long. Dreams are weird. Reality is chaos.
32. Yes, you can change your life. Yes, you can reinvent yourself. Yes, you can become a better person … if you want to. All it takes is one small change.
33. You’re shaped by what you’re surrounded by, but you also shape your surroundings.
34. Extra can never be enough.
35. Everyone is climbing their own mountain. Some people are further along than others, and not all mountains are created equal. All we can do is, whenever possible, reach back or light the way to help as many people climb as high as they possibly can.
36. You need to be more than self-aware. You need to be self-accountable.

Finally, and most importantly of all, the self is an ocean. It’s both the water and the coasts that contain it. The self is a liquid that expands and spreads out until it careens into the sides of its container. What we are — underneath our jobs, our social circle, our lovers, our memories, our thoughts, our expectations — is water. And all these things that we think, or do, or love, or identify with, are our coasts. The shape of the sea changes with the waves and the tides, each crash against the shore, changing the sands, each gradual release changing the sea further.

I can’t fix the world’s problems on my own: All I can do is show up the best I can, and spread positive vibes and warmth with the things I write, the way I listen, and dope Spotify playlists.

And that’s okay. I don’t have to be the hero in the story of “us.” Neither do you. You can be a bit player, if you wish, and if that’s where your talents lie, and if your actions are good and kind and just and fair. Supporting actors can still get awards. They can still be forces. There’s a lot of work available to them, and they often get the best lines. And, most importantly, they can create joy. And it’s this concept of “joy” that I want to leave you with.

Joy, however ephemerally, alleviates suffering. Joy may be drawn out by a moment, or an event, or a job well done, but it beams from within. It is the inner light that beats back the ache, melancholia, rage, and darkness. It is an act of rebellion, a “fuck you” to all who hope to extinguish that which glimmers inside. This is your fundamental essence — all you need to do is hold it, nurture it, and let it wash over you when it seeps to the surface.

Yes, do the work. Yes, pay attention. Yes, come to the aid of others less fortunate. Yes, fight like hell. But through all that, and in the moments big and small decoupled from all that, should you feel the warmth of your inner light radiate within you, let it out. For as long as there is light in the world, the darkness can never win.

Joy is Rebellion. It’s more than an essay … it’s an ethos. And, it’s the title of my book — a collection of all the essays I’ve linked to above. I’ve compiled the most poignant, prescient pearls of wisdom from the things I’ve done and written, and wrapped them up for you. I hope you enjoy them.

Here’s to Year 37. Thanks for reading.

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