An Open Letter to the Parent Who Refuses to Acknowledge Her Transgender Kid
Wake-up before you lose them.
Dear Distraught and Confused Mother,
When I overheard you arguing with your child in Kohl’s, I wasn’t eavesdropping. There were several other customers who could hear you as well.
Your child was trying to tell you something that for whatever reason, you weren’t hearing. Maybe you were in a rush because you were thinking about dinner in a few hours and were wondering what you were going to serve your family. Maybe you had taken time out from working a job you despise but need in order to get the clothes your kid required for whatever occasion was pressing.
Whatever your reason, you weren’t really listening to your kid when they told you they “don’t feel right wearing a dress.”
So, let me help you understand.
Your preteen needs you to listen.
Sometimes it’s difficult to express how you feel in words. But as a parent, it’s your job to listen when your kid says something.
What exactly are they trying to tell you? If you’re not sure, then ask questions.
When your kid told you they didn’t feel right wearing a dress, you should have asked them why instead of shutting down the potentially insightful conversation they attempted to start with you.
I just don’t feel right wearing a dress, Mom.
But it looks so beautiful on you.
I don’t like how my chest looks in this.
It’s a perfectly respectable style. I don’t know why clothes are always such a fight with you. I’m trying to get you something nice so you look nice but you argue with me every step of the way.
This is not listening.
This is arguing because your child didn’t agree with your choice.
More importantly, this is a missed opportunity to better understand your child.
What would have been the harm in listening to why they didn’t feel comfortable? Would it have been the end of all things to let them pick some options out on their own and make a final decision together?
People have gender; clothing does not.
I get it. In every clothing store across the country, there is a Men’s department and a Women’s department. We’ve been programmed our entire lives that there is specific clothing for men and completely different clothing for women.
Separation of any items based on perceived gender is ridiculous though. Even the toy aisles still have gender-specific sections. Just think about it for a second. Does it really matter if a 7-year-old boy wants to play with a doll? Or a 4-year-old girl wants to play with cars and Legos?
Thankfully the world is changing — and for the better. We now understand that gender and biological sex are two completely different things.
We also know that kids who grow up without acceptance and support regarding their gender identity are much more likely to attempt suicide as well as suffer from depression and anxiety.
40% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past twelve months, with more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth having seriously considered suicide — The Trevor Project
But now that you know all this, it’s time to revisit your conversation with your kid. It’s time to ask questions in a nonjudgmental manner. It’s time to educate yourself in order to support and advocate for your child.
Maybe your child simply doesn’t like dresses. Maybe they’re a tomboy. Or, maybe your kid is nonbinary or transgender. You’ll never know if you don’t continue the conversation and ask questions.
Parenting is not just about loving your kid.
It’s obvious you love your kid, or you wouldn’t care whether or not they even had clothes. So, armed with the right information, you could be an amazing parent. Your kid deserves to have the support they need — especially from you — in order to thrive in this world.
Get to know your kid for who they truly are. It’s your job to be there for them in whatever capacity they need you to be. Because you love your kid, I’m sure you’ll do what you have to in order to help them grow into amazing, authentic individuals who are as accepting, loving, and supportive of others as you have been with them.
Because you love your child and now understand the importance of supporting them, they won’t become homeless like so many other LGBTQ youths due to running away or being kicked out because of their gender identity.
Read a book, listen to a podcast, ask an expert, Google some stuff. It’s much easier to understand your kid today than it ever has been in the past. There are answers out there from other parents who have gender-diverse kids to many of the questions you may have. It just takes a little time, effort, and patience — all things your kid deserves.
As a parent, your words and actions have a huge influence on who your kid becomes and whether or not they flourish as adults. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed while juggling family, career, and your personal journey. But none of that is more important than your kid’s welfare.
It’s never too late to do better for your kid. There is nothing you can do to change any of the decisions you made yesterday. But you have today. And there’s also tomorrow.
Your child didn’t choose to be brought into this world. You made that decision for them. So with tender-heartedness, help them thrive and become their most authentic self. Then you will be the amazing parent you were meant to be. And your kid will forever appreciate and remember your love and support.
