Great Lines From Movies We will Always Remember
Hey, if you have read our previous listicle — Great First Lines then you know how this goes, I write a list of things on a theme that goes in descending order from least great to greatest of some sort of media production that has really made us not yawn.
But in this case I have gotten a couple of the other Illuminati Ganga members along who are writers and cinema artistes to make suggestions and comments and drink my beer.
Now a lot of these movies will be classics that you probably haven’t seen unless you have a deep love of cinema, or maybe you have seen but you can’t get the important people in your life to watch because they just can’t understand watching a movie that was made before this century.
So there will be no quotes from Jeremy Maguire like “You had me at ‘Whatcha doin?’” or “Hey Jer, didja know the human head isn’t heavy enough to be worth curling if you’re working your biceps?”
The reason we have chosen this way is to make you feel mad for not having seen stuff we have, which in these days when nobody gets paid for writing anymore is basically the only reason someone might have for doing it.
So without further whatevers, let our listicle commence:
10. “Who cut the cheese?!” Han Solo in that really old movie that the old peoples in your life always get all emotional over
Agent 88: Yes, well as not many people know that was actually because Harrison Ford farted and was trying desperately to cover it up, so it was definitely not in the script, but George Lucas liked it so he left it in. Later on in the Digital Classical Golden Sapphire edition he edited so that Solo says “oof, Better out than in I always say!”
Agent 6: speaking of which, I am going to make my special dip, because I just found these peppers in my pocket! Pass me more beer!
09. “A boy’s best friend is his dog, but I never had a dog, so I had to make do with my mom, sure she rolled on the carpet and barked but I could tell she was just trying to make me happy” Tony Perkins in the movie that enticed lonely misogynists into movie theaters to masturbate during its famous shower scene.
Agent 6: dips ready!
Agent 99 (walking through office): Hey losers, whatcha doing?
Looks at screen walking by — “Ugh, god 1961. Hated that year!” Grabs beer
“Hey, wait, isn’t this one of the years when we annul movies and books that were made by misogynistic assholes?”
Agent 77: “It’s cancel”
“huh?”
Agent 88: “Cancel, not annul, I know you probably only spend a month in this decade at the most, but try to learn the correct jargon”
Agent 99: “yeah right, as even” leaves
Agent 88: “what an asshole”
08. “Listen to them. Children of the night. Such annoying brats” Dracula, 1931.
Agent 6: One of the worst things about vampires is, unless they’re new, they’re all like your senile racist grandad whining about kids these days and the hip hop music and wearing pants around the ankles and all that shit.
Agent 88: Vampires are the worst, except for time travelers!
everybody laughs.
07. “Badges? We ain’t got no badges! Which one of you idiots forgot the badges. Christ the shit I gotta put up with! Honest Mr. we don’t need no badges you gotta trust us on this!” Police Story of the Sierra Madre. A movie in a which three white men cause all sorts of trouble not wanting to follow the rules because privilege.
06. “You know how to blow me? Just put your lips together and blow”
Humphrey Bogart putting lips together.
Agent 6: Both those movies had Bogie in them, watch them, and maybe the Petrified Forest and then tell me he always plays the same character! Not to either of you guys, just to any idiot that might have said that in the past.
Agent 88: Also the African Queen and The Caine Mutiny.
Agent 6: Ok yeah, that guy was a hell of an actor.
Agent 77: Now I’m trying to imagine him in other movies that he wasn’t in.
Agent 6: He would have made a great Han Solo, definitely that was what Ford was trying to do. Play Bogart in the mid-40s period.
Agent 88: Bogart instead of Tony Perkins in Psycho. This dip is intense. More beer!
Agent 6: Bogart in Jerry Maguire.
Agent 88: Yelling “Show me the money” is such a Bogart thing to do. Hey, what if we…nah.
Agent 77: What?
Agent 6: I get where you’re going man, I think it’s a great idea!
Agent 77: What?! What is it? What’s the idea?
Agent 88: I’m pretty sure Agent 99 is down in the pool room now, floating on the Alligator bed and smoking weed, maybe drunk.
Agent 77: I don’t think we should drown him, dude.
Agent 88: hah, uh no, I mean what if we go steal his time machine what’s it called — The Protoverb? Anyway we steal it and take a few dozen bars of that Columbian gold with us, head back to the late 40s and make a version of Jerry Maguire starring Humphrey Bogart as Jerry and Lauren Bacall as uh Renee Zellwegger?
Agent 77: Yeah huh, but a few points — first I think Jerry Maguire is more a Spencer Tracy / Katherine Hepburn type of flick. Second..
Agent 88: Jimmy Stewart.
Agent 6: oh yeah
Agent 88: Jerry Maguire is really a Jimmy Stewart kinda guy, thinking about it. Also you think Bogart would bring something to shouting “Show me the money” just imagine Jimmy Stewart breaking it down.
everyone sits around for a bit imagining it, the low crunching of chips and guzzling of beer is heard.
Agent 88: So we steal the Protoverb and head back to the early 1940s — pre-war — to get Jimmy Stewart and well not Lauren Bacall she would have been a teenager then and then..
Agent 77: Alright gonna have to stop you there because I never got to my second point which was — who is going to take Cuba Gooding’s part? I mean given the standards of the time it just wouldn’t work to have an African American actor playing the football player, which means we would never get to have Jimmy Stewart yelling “I love the black man!”
Agent 6: No!
Agent 77: Right that’s something I wouldn’t like to miss out on. But are you willing to whiteface that character to make it fit in the standards of the time. Not to mention the other characters who would have to be rewritten. Marcee — she doesn’t really work as anyone but a relatively modern black Woman. Now I’m not saying that Steward was racist but he was a smart guy, not going to believe it if we get a black guy to play the football player.
Agent 88: Jimmy Stewart served as president of the Oklahoma City branch of the NAACP, so no he wasn’t racist. Although it does show how messed up the time was that a white guy held that post. Probably had to hold that post.
Agent 6: Ok He’d know something was fishy. He’d know no major studio would greenlight this production.
Agent 77: Right, so, the thing I worry about is Stewart digging, figuring out when we’re from (the future) and somehow snagging the Protoverb (what a weird name) and going on to totally win the war against the Nazis in a week. I mean he joined the army to fight the Nazis when a lot of actors weaseled out, we would end up time machine less in an alternate dimension while Stewart probably goes on to become President and has the FBI take us out. I mean sure, Jimmy Stewart as President — I’d like to see that too but I don’t want to rot in prison the rest of my life like The Spaniard in Con Air.
everyone sits around for a bit imagining war hero Jimmy Stewart with the power of the presidency having them rounded up and sent to Alcatraz, the low crunching of chips and guzzling of beer is heard.
Agent 88: Damn, we’re out of dip. Anyway it’s Cuba Gooding Jr, Cuba Gooding Sr. was a lead singer of the Main Ingredient. You should go check out 99’s LP collection from alternate dimensions, that guy had some major jams.
Agent 77: Ok well thanks for the correction, I guess we’ve decided not to do it?
6 and 88 nod sadly.
05. “Toto, I think this must be New York City” Poor farm girl imagines she has gone to the most interesting place she has ever read about, New York City, when actually experiencing a psychotic episode brought on by stress and overexposure to Tornadoes.
04. “One Morning I shot an Elephant in my pyjamas, how he got in my pyjamas. I don’t know” Groucho Marx from Animal Crackers, I don’t think this is really the guy who would be innocent about how an Elephant ends up in your pyjamas, but ok.
related article:
03. “By the power of Satan I declare, I shall hunger no longer!” evil southern slave-owner lady, sells soul to devil for endless supply of BBQ.
02: “Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes that killed him. Well, technically it was the airplanes but the aviation industry is going through a rough patch right now. Let’s blame the girl, that always works!” A damned dirty stinking big ape gets its paws on a blond and people are freaked out, but blaming a woman always works.
01: “Howdy, My name is Inigo Montoya, and I’ve got a bone to pick with you!” A line that is seared into our hearts forever, let’s pour one out for Inigo Montoya!
Well there you have it, another fine hit from Illuminati Ganga, a listicle nonpareil.
This article was written up by IG Agent 77, with suggestions by Agents 6 and 88.
Agent 99 is a valued member of Illuminati Ganga and his time machine (or ‘Chronocraft’) The Protervus, while being a cobbled together copper plated bathtub that can barely seat three people if one of them agrees to run the risk of being prematurely ravaged by the time stream, is nothing to laugh or even snicker at.
