Paying it Forward: Bringing Better Conversations to More People
Why narrative concepts are a major influence in the design of re:MIND
On some days, graduate school feels a million miles away. On others however, I can viscerally feel myself sitting in those classrooms; I can see and feel the warmth of the late afternoon sun as it filters through the old cathedral windows, dust particles dancing and floating before me. There are no cell phones to distract me, only the echo of voices as they bounce off the towering ceilings of the converted catholic school, notably perched on the steep slopes of Ashbury Street, blocks above the infamous Haight in San Francisco. Mostly though, I can hear the words of one of my most beloved teachers, Michael Searle.
Little did I know then how much his words would completely transform my life.
I have recently learned that he passed away — about six years ago. Upon reading of his passing, I found myself filled with sadness and nostalgia, but mostly I found myself filled with immense gratitude.
I was within about a year of earning my master’s degree in counseling psychology, when I read in the school catalog that a course was being offered called “Narrative Therapy”. Having absolutely no idea what that was all about, I signed up figuring that I would probably enjoy it because I loved storytelling and writing. I imagined that we would be immersing ourselves in a lot of creative writing. I naively imagined we would be crafting our own histories, perhaps by documenting them in stories.
Boy, was I wrong.
Michael wore those stereo-typically “sixties professor sports coats”. You know the ones; tan corduroy blazers with the dark brown cloth patches sewn into the elbows, accompanied by a faded pair of blue jeans. He wore his gray hair in a modified mullet that rested just above his shoulders, with layered bangs. He was rocking the sixties/eighties vibes simultaneously, although the year was 1996. He was soft-spoken, unassuming yet passionate and spoke in a way that I had never heard anyone speak before. He was most impressive however, because of his deeply held conviction that people are naturally creative, resourceful and whole.
This was a game-changer for me.
You see, having chosen to become a therapist, I found myself knee-deep in feeling and expressing all things painful, wounded, broken and abused. I deeply wanted healing — for myself and for all those future clients I hoped to one day help. But first, I needed to know what was wrong with them, the story of their personal trauma, and how it had left them fractured and in a dis-integrated place emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. The role of the therapist, I was learning, was to reconnect them with their wounds so that they could begin the important process of exploring the depths of their emotionally dis-jointed lives, as they bravely emoted their way back to wellness. Needless to say, the path to mental health was not for the faint of heart.
If you can believe it, this approach, this paradigm, was exactly what I signed up for and exactly what I expected to be taught.
Boy, did Mike flip all that on its head.
First of all, he used really weird language….Combining concepts and terms that were clearly antithetical to the conversations happening in all the other classrooms in the building. He used terms like, “finding unique outcomes to problem saturated stories”, “postmodernism”, “externalizing problems” and “deconstructionism”. He asked questions like:
“How has anger worked to convince you that yelling is the best way to get your needs met and seduced you into believing that listening is a sign of weakness?”
“Share a time when fear did not hijack you and you were able to voice your concerns. And in those times, who was there to bear witness and what story would they share that is different from the one that fear has scripted on your behalf?”
Honestly, sometimes some of his questions were so long and compounded to my untrained ears, that it felt like linguistic gymnastics. Now, truth be told, I had not read the required reading prior to the first day of class, so I was beyond confused as I sat there scribbling incomprehensible notes. What the heck was this man talking about (and where could I get my hands on that jacket?)?
When I got home that evening, I remember cracking open the books he suggested by authors Michael White and David Epston — the founders of this radically different approach. As I read each passing paragraph, I was opening myself up to a process of inquiry and personal and professional curiosity that I have yet to close today.
So, let me ever so briefly introduce it to you too, but in a less verbal gymnasticy kind of way.
Think of a problem in your life. Not just any problem, though. Think of a frustrating, pernicious problem that seems to have clung to you for far too long. But, make it a mindset problem; things like avoidance, procrastination, laziness, shyness, perfectionism, insecurity. Just fun stuff like that.
Now, let’s play.
Let’s say the problem is procrastination. Mostly, when you talk about people’s habits with procrastination, they get all self-deprecating, if not downright mean to themselves. You might hear things like,
“I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know I am only making things worse, but yet, I keep doing it over and over again. I am seriously so pissed at myself. I swear, I must be insane!”
So, perhaps you create a S.M.A.R.T. goal and then the next time you meet with them, you find that the procrastination has continued. But, in this conversation, now they are embarrassed, ashamed or sometimes even defensive as they share excuses. And, as you try to help them, you might think to yourself, “I can’t want this more than them… how do I help this person stop being such a procrastinator?”
Have you ever been in one of those conversations? Either as the helper or the one needing help? Both roles pretty much suck.
Then, imagine that for the next scheduled conversation, the procrastinator is a no-show. The person now feels so badly about themselves, that they would rather avoid the conversation altogether.
The real take-away: now, they just procrastinate with more guilt.
Let’s try another route forward; one where feelings like shame, embarrassment or defensiveness are not invited to the party. It might sound something like this:
“How has procrastination been showing up in your life recently?”
“Well, it’s no stranger. I really struggle with it.”
“It’s tricky that way, isn’t it?”
“Totally — I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”
“Well, let’s think about it differently. Believing there is something wrong with you is not a helpful way to tackle procrastination. Listen, what if procrastination wanted you to blame yourself, because the more you do that, the more procrastination gets its way, time and time again.”
“Okay… I am not sure I am following you.”
“Like, has there ever been a time in your life when it would have been easy to procrastinate, but you didn’t?”
“Sure.”
“Great — well think of at least one time. What did you rely on instead, that let you outsmart procrastination? Like, what was it about you that got you started on the project in a timely way when procrastination could have easily stepped in and stopped you?”
“I guess I just really wanted to do a good job and and prove that I could do it.”
“Nice — what would you call that desire to do a good job?”
“I am not really sure. I guess something like integrity.”
“So, what I am hearing is that you are a person who values integrity, and that this value has the ability to be more powerful than procrastination sometimes?”
“Sometimes, yes. Definitely.”
“Sounds like we’ve found our starting place for outsmarting procrastination.”
So there you have it, the start of a narrative conversation. In that very brief example, I have demonstrated taking those abstract concepts like “finding exceptions to problem saturated stories” and “externalizing problems” that Mike taught me so many years ago. And, here’s the thing: when I use those concepts in conversations with anyone who wants to move forward in their life (meaning all of us), I tend to have way more interesting conversations. And what’s more, people tend to tackle those tricky problems way more quickly.
Pretty cool, right?
So, as I position my desire to make Mike proud by continuing to breathe even more life into his life’s work through the re:MIND course, I continually hope for three things;
- That I am making him proud
- That many, many, many lives are improved
- That he does not mind that I have taken many creative liberties with the narrative approach and married it with other approaches so that it can be delivered in a course.
Oh yeah, and I hope that he does not mind that I have attempted to make it a tad less linguistically gymnasticy.
In case you missed Kristin’s previous blog, you can find it HERE.
After earning her master’s degree in counseling psychology more than two decades ago, Kristin Taylor immediately began working with clients to help them navigate through difficult life transitions. This lead to her serving as an academic success coach and developing an expertise in coaching “at-risk” students. Due to her results, Taylor has gone to manage and train coaches to do the same. Her approach is a creative amalgamation of her background as a counselor, combined with a strength-based, solution-focused approach to student coaching. Taylor is the author of a new Perceivant textbook called “re:MIND”, which helps students navigate the college environment with a positive mindset. You can learn more about this textbook at www.perceivant.com.
