6 Cool Ways to Call for the Waiter
Sup, broletariat. You wanna be the coolest dude at this gay ass 5 Star Rainforest Café? Well I got a plan for you. First thing you gotta do to be cool is call the waiter in a cool way. But hold, you might ask, what kinds of dope ass Ways can we call upon the waiter? Six, dude. Here are 6 Sick Ass Ways to Call for the Waiter:
- Be a Frenchman
Calling upon a waiter in a cool way is a top dawg way to impress the ladies. And what do ladies love? French dudes. Gerard Depardieu, Joan of Arc, Mario Lemieux, all total chick magnets. Girls are gonna love it when you call for the waiter with a snap of the fingers and yell “Garçon!”. They even love it when you do it IN FRANCE. If the 20 year old serving you gourmet mac and cheese looks at you funny, it’s not because he loathes you. It’s because he’s a hater, and jealous of how much of an alpha dawg you are spewing hot French fire. Just make sure you don’t speak too much French. What are you, gay or something?
2. Act Like They are Literal Slaves
Another trick to asserting dominance at Rainforest Café? Acting like those that work there are subhuman. They’re not the ones balling out on a fifty dollar gift card from Nana at four in the afternoon. Treat them like literal slaves when you need their assistance. Call the trainee “boy” when he passes by, he needs the tough love. Thank god this is in a nice neighborhood. Some politically correct pussies would freaking pee pee in their diapers if they heard someone refer to another human being as a slave. I mean, dude, it happened, like, a kajillion years ago. Get over it!
3. Act like it’s the 50’s
You ever watch Mad Men and think, “Gee I wish I could still talk to women like that”? Well you’re in luck dude. We’re going retro for this one. Give them the classics, like “Hey! Sugar tits! Over here!” or spank a fine lady’s ass and say “Hey, good lookin’!” Two ways to immediately get a woman’s attention. In fact, make it a costume party. Dress like Don Draper and smoke in the Café. If you’re cool enough, you can pull off smoking inside without being kicked out. And trust me, dude, with that Tapout undershirt, you’re cool enough.
4. Send a Carrier Pigeon
You know what’s one thing the Orientals got right? Modes of communication. Girls love the silent type. So why even talk at all when you can just send a carrier pigeon to ask for another Virgin Screwdriver (which is the coolest way to say Orange Juice). Just write a little letter for the little flying dude, whisper the coordinates (latitude and longitude), and let go. Make sure your pigeon is properly trained. If not, you won’t be able to discern what the white stuff is in your clam chowder.
5. Use a Megaphone
Sometimes the best way is often the simplest. Wanna really get that aloof busboy’s attention? Use a megaphone. He can finally hear that you need a refill of your Mountain Dew Baja Blast (mom said you could only have one, but she’s in the bathroom crying to your stepdad, so she won’t know what hit her).
6. Act Like Actual Royalty
You know what the best part of Game of Thrones is? How they treat those who are not royalty. You’re the top dude in this scenario. You’re the one pushing them Long Island Ice Teas after last call at this Rainforest Café. Be the big man. In fact, whenever you finish a drink, slam the glass on the ground and yell “Another!” like you’re Thor or some other Game of Thrones character. These servers are mere jesters compared to the royalty that is you and your gift card.
These are the sick tips on how to be a cool dude when asking for the waiter, particularly at Rainforest Café. Live wild, live dangerous, live Rainforest Café.
