Satire
Campaign Financing
Week 5 on the presidential campaign trail
In my last campaign message, I showed you how I was going to restructure government. There will be an entirely new way of doing politics.
If you have read my book on alternative governance, you already know I have no use for political parties. Unfortunately, my book sales and my website stats pretty much tell me you have not read my book. So I will tell you now: “I have no use for political parties.”
To keep a party-less government, I need to convey to the public that all my cabinet secretaries did not earn their position by working their way up the party hierarchy, giving and taking favors along the way while throwing redundant party members off the ridge. So here is how I will select cabinet positions such that I and my secretaries are not propping each other up just to keep our high paying positions: I will auction off all the cabinet positions.
Steps to Becoming a Cabinet Secretary
Here are the cabinet positions with their reserve bids:
- Vice-President (and likely successor when I am impeached and convicted): $5,000
2. Secretary of War with China: $2,000
3. Secretary of John Wayne: $2,000
4. Secretary of Things that cannot be Changed: $2,000
5. Secretary of Universal Basic Income: $2,000
6. Secretary of Cleavage: $2,000
Courier your certified check to:
Dave Volek
Brooks, Alberta, Canada
Don’t send your certified check to the address below yet. It will be working a few months after I am president:
Dave Volek
Brooks, North Montana, USA
Deadline is September 15, 2021
If you think your coveted position might have some competition, raise your bid.
Highest bid wins the position for the transition and six months after the inauguration.
And I’m open to different kinds of secretaries. Just state any unlisted position you covet and send your $2,000 reserve bid for it.
I will still cash the checks for the unsuccessful bids, knowing that you still want to donate to this great cause.
After six months of being president, I will be able to get a lot more cash with this auction. So, my generous nature gives you six months to change America to how you think it should be run — at a low price. For most of you, making these bids are the best chance of ever getting to have so much power.
So come on you political writers on Medium. Stop writing and stop complaining. Start doing. Make a bid on this auction. Show the world that you know to get political things done.
Smaller Donations
So, for those of you who are not overly ambitious to desire power and control and screw with people’s lives, you can still donate to this great cause in this way:
1) Go to Amazon or Kobo
2) Find my three ebooks:
a. Tiered Democratic Governance $7.00*
b. Diary of a Future Politician: $3.50**
c. Confessions of a Future Politician: $3.50**
3) Click on books that match your preferred donation. Buy several copies if necessary.
Donating this way ensures that your name does not get on some kind of list that can be abused if — in the small chance — that I do not win the presidency. In such a low probability case, an actual donation list could bring black SUVs (from the winning political party) to your house at 5:00 in the morning. It would be better to disguise your donation as an ebook purchase.
Heck, you might even read these ebooks. Heck, you might even learn something from these ebooks. Heck, you might be inspired to build a new democracy from these ebooks. You won’t get all these benefits from a regular campaign donation, will you?
*If you prefer the Fahrenheit scale, you can pay $15.00.
**Fahrenheit prices for my two novels are $6.50. When you pay in Fahrenheit, that proves you are not a socialist.
Stop the Steal Websites
I have set up three “Stop-the-Steal” websites, each with a different way to lure in donors who would otherwise not donate to my presidential campaign. These websites are indeed bringing in some extra money; you should build one too as your side hustle.
But do not donate in this way as you might confuse my websites with the real one.
Campaign Expenses
If you had read my book, you would know that my alternative democracy does not require campaign expenses. But you did not read my book, so I will tell you now: “My alternative democracy does not require campaign expenses.”
To keep this principle intact, I will keep all the donations for myself. There will be no clever Facebook manipulators to hire. There will be no TV commercials to convince soft supporters not to vote. No lawn signs that will be cast into landfills. Environmentalists should vote for me just on that reason alone.
And I need a new Ferrari. Have you noticed how it is getting harder and harder to keep up with the TV preachers these days? If that isn’t a sign that America is truly going downhill, I don’t know what is. Anyone who wants a Ferrari should vote for me. But donate first!
Remember, things could be worse.
