My Future Cabinet

Week 4 on the Presidential Campaign Trail

Four weeks ago, I announced my intention to run for the 47th President of the United States.

When elected, I am going to be a hands-off president. Other than a few campaign promises — like the Liberation of North Montana — I will let the cabinet secretaries make all the decisions.

Here are the cabinet positions:

Secretary of War with China

This secretary will make all the calls of when, where, why, and how to make war with China. My only restriction is the supply of cellphones, TVs, and lawn gnomes has to keep moving into America. Americans won’t like these kinds of shortages or black-market prices or fixing old stuff.

Secretary of John Wayne

We need to get back to the good old days when men were men who accomplished great things without any one else’s help. We need this secretary to promote this great American standard of excellence. We need all of America to do things without any one else’s help.

This position should also force American dictionaries to put the verb “johnwayne” into the American lexicon. It means to do great things without anyone else’s help. For example, Milton johnwayned his small business into a major corporation, so he shouldn’t have to pay taxes.

Secretary of Things We Can’t Change

Like climate change, primary education, police reform, immigration, and taking away tax breaks for the rich. Best to put all these things under one roof, then have only one cabinet secretary to give lip service to them all at the same time. More efficient government operations in this way.

Secretary of Universal Basic Income

My presidency will bring political unity to the United States. The Democrats and Republicans in Congress will unite to impeach and convict me, the only reason being that I broke their 50/50 traditional hegemony to run the American circus. If so, I will need another job. I kind of like the idea of getting money for nothing. If a UBI is in place before my departure, I won’t have to worry about sleeping in my car. And a president who has no worries makes a better president.

Secretary of Cleavage

This person needs to look pretty at cabinet meetings when the TV cameras are on. If the political heat gets too high, this person needs to unbutton her blouse a little. Nothing better than a pair of half-naked breasts on the national news to get the lefties and righties throwing rocks at each other instead of at the president. Female applicants highly preferred.

Accountability

Political scientists believe that the voting booth is where politicians are held accountable. I say we can do better accountability than once every few years.

All my secretaries will be immediately accountable. I can fire them at any time. No need for elections whatsoever.

My cabinet system brings two more advantages. I can take full credit for all things that work out great. And I can blame other people for when things go wrong. I win regardless. I can’t understand why no one else has thought of this before.

A new way is coming. Vote for me. Vote for real hope and real change.

Things could be worse.