Best Buds React: The 2017 NBA Draft
A Sixers believer, on-and-off Celtics-er, Phil Jackson denier, and full-blown chaos enthusiast rally together for this year’s draft night festivities
Don’t you just love the feeling of sports chaos? Like, take this week in the NBA for example; the Boston Celtics trading the number one overall pick to Philadelphia 76ers for the ultimate #TrustTheProcess anthem; Paul George and Jimmy Butler trade rumors; the firing of David Griffin, the Cleveland Cavaliers GM — which probably has something to do with the surge of rumors suggesting Lebron possibly leaving after next season; Dwight Howard, possibly a deadly team virus, being traded; the Brooklyn Nets, formerly the holders of their own draft picks, making a good trade (!); and even Phil Jackson, former Guru, fueling offers for Kristaps Porzingis — leading to yet another reason for Knicks fans everywhere to be miserable.
And now, true-believers, it’s Draft Night.
Indeed, the raging typhoon of basketball-related events all leads to this. To celebrate, we’re doing another live-reaction message log exactly as was done with the draft lottery from a month ago. If you somehow managed to survive reading that, I can assure you that will not be the case this time — as two more of my good friends, Noah Grossman (the Knicks fan) and Drew Lister (the Celtics fan), decided to join in on the fun. Yeah, shit is getting real.
***PLEASE BE ADVISED: What follows is the actual, unfiltered conversation that took place between four misfits. PopCandie is not responsible for any damage these words may have on your mental stability. Thank you.***
4:13 PM–The Calm Before the Storm
DL: The Celtics are gonna surprise everyone and take Dennis Smith Jr. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
MC: (In the first of what would be many shots from him tonight) Danny Ainge gonna surprise everyone and make a good draft pick.
NG: I don’t know what to expect from the Knicks, so here’s my three scenarios:
- Dream Scenario — We trade Melo to Miami for some package including the Heat’s pick; draft a wing and a guard.
- Best (Realistic Case) — We draft Smith, Fox, or Ntilinka
- Worst Case — We trade Porzingis and draft Markkanen
MC: Knicks taking that European fool no one has heard of.
NG: Yeah, Ntilinka
JR: Knicks taking LaVar Ball
MC: Can’t wait for Danny Ainge to *almost* get Lebron, Blake Griffin, Paul George, and Jimmy Butler.
NG: Can’t wait for Phil Jackson to reach on someone because they “fit the triangle.”
DL: Knicks taking Harry Holes. I mean Giles. Bruh I fucking hate autocorrect.
MC: Knicks taking Harry Styles
7:00 PM-The Broadcast Starts
JR: For someone that’s gonna be the number one overall pick, Fultz got the most chill look on his face.
JR: Here’s a #HotTake, Jalen Rose my favorite basketball voice. Like, literally, the sound of his voice.
NG: That’s actually a decent take, I personally prefer Wilbon.
MC: Well, it better be only his voice because his takes are [insert person throwing out trash emoji]
JR: Don’t you say that about every media personality?
MC: Just the bad ones.
DL: I took Music 131 with Fultz (Note: Drew goes to the University of Washington)
7:30 PM-The Draft Kicks Off
JR: What’s a movie title that describes how each of you are feeling right now?
MC: I never left #Dedication
DL: ^^^That’s a gas.
MC: Alright, what’s a movie where you know pretty much everything that’s going to happen but there are a few surprises along the way?
JR: Valkyrie
NG: Mine is Black Hawk Down — where the black hawk represents my hopes for the Knicks to ever be good.
DL: Scary Movie 4
******Adam Silver appears on stage for the intro******
DL: That intro was ta-ta trash.
NG: Is Silver the only likable commissioner ever?
JR: I love how he said Draymond, knowing 100% the crowd would boo. And to answer Noah’s question, yes.
******The 76ers are officially on the clock*******
NG: Sixers trade #1 for Carmelo and second round picks for the next 10 years #HotTake
JR: I have to admit the Mermaid Man/Barnacle Boy comparison to David Stern/Adam Silver is disturbingly accurate.
NG: Oh god, David Stern as Mermaid Man is nightmare inducing
MC: Boys, we got our first #SteinBomb of the night; Jimmy Butler to the Timberwolves.
JR: Woah!!!!!
DL: Wait what
NG: Moving my fandom to Minnesota
******76ers select Markelle Fultz with the first overall pick******
DL: S’goooooo dawgs!
NG: If Lonzo isn’t number 2 I’ll love it. Don’t even hate him, but that means he’d end up in Sacramento instead of LA.
JR: THE REVENGE OF THIBS THO, THE MINNESOTA THIBERWOLVES ARE HERE BABY
*******The Lakers select Lonzo Ball with the second pick********
DL: Ohh shiiit, Lonzo about to be nice as hell.
NG: Damn.
JR: But here’s the question Drew, who you want the Celtics to pick?
DL: Jayson Tatum. He reminds me of a young Paul Pierce.
NG: Timberwolves have the most likable team in the league now, by far.
JR: *Sixers
NG: Nah, logo through uniforms through players through coach.
JR: Embiid is more likable than all of them combined.
NG: Gas! KAT is better and actually plays.
MC: Can’t wait to tweet that screenshot back at you.
7:51 PM-Our Golden Knight of Eternal Swag Appears
MC: LaVar sighting!
JR: Sweet Jesus I think I love LaVar Ball…
NG: LaVar is the great value version of the Williams’ father.
DL: Lol he’s ugly. Also, the Wolves honestly gave up nothing.
NG: Hate seeing Zach LaVine leave, but they fleeced the Bulls.
DL: I don’t think LaVine is good, Kris Dunn is okay, and the 7th pick has value.
NG: Who are they taking at 7? Directly affects the Knicks
MC: Bulls got destroyed on that trade.
MC: Wilbon: “Good haul by Bulls”
NG: Yeah, that’s a bad take. He’s just a Chicago guy.
DL: I guarantee you the Bulls pick someone bad.
******The Celtics select Jayson Tatum with the 3rd pick*******
DL: We out here.
NG: I don’t love this pick, but he’ll help right away.
DL: I knew it was gonna happen.
JR: ^^^Take it easy LaVar.
MC: #WojBomb
DL: Let’s get it! Jayson Tatum is a really good scorer and I’ll be even more hyped about Paul George. Also, Josh Jackson is gonna fall I’m telling ya.
MC: I’ll bet a quarter of my life savings that the Celtics don’t get PG13.
DL: In Ainge I trust.
NG: I still can’t get over Rubio-Butler-Wiggins-Whoever-Towns.
NG: My dad just said “If Phil Jackson fucking drafts Zach Collins I’ll lose it.”
JR: Just as a precaution, Noah is planting the seeds for his transition to being a Wolves fan if Porzingis gets traded.
MC: EMBIID TWEET ALERT.
NG: Joel G.O.A.T twitter
******The Suns select Josh Jackson with the 4th pick******
JR: So much for Jackson sliding, right Drew?
DL: He’s a biiiiitch
JR: Oh what Drew? Pissed that he dared to pass on working out for the Celtics?
NG: Started a chess club and plays the saxophone? Sold.
JR: I’m now sold on Jackson too.
DL: Tatum better.
******The Kings select De’Aaron Fox with the 5th pick******
NG: This dude Fox
DL: He’s a cool dude. Genuine.
NG: Yeah, for sure. Who are the Orlando Trainwrecks taking?
MC: So I’m on Twitter, and let me tell you, these next two picks are something.
*******The Magic select Jonathan Issac with the 6th pick*******
NG: Whaaaaat
DL: Whaaaaaaaaaat
NG: So fuck Aaron Gordon I guess?
MC: Still a trainwreck!
NG: What the hell is this team? Worst pick so far.
MC: Stay tuned…
DL: The Bulls are so bad at drafting.
MC: The 36th/39th/and Okafor for the 10th pick; MAKE IT HAPPEN BRYAN.
NG: I think the Bulls take Monk and I think that’s the right pick, too.
******The Bulls select Lauri Markkanen with the 7th pick*******
JR: Oh shit hahaha
DL: This dude’s a bust.
MC: Finland?
NG: So the Knicks can’t possibly fuck this up, right?
DL: Chicago sucks. Officially.
JR: Knicks taking Tom Holland.
8:22 PM-WHAT WILL PHIL DO?!?!?!?!
MC: Who do you want the Knicks to take? Monk or Smith?
NG: I don’t love either, but if they take Luke Kennard I’m jumping out the window.
MC: If Monk/Smith keeps dropping, I would really like Bryan to go grab one.
NG: Monk would be incredible for you guys.
DL: Nah Ainge coming back into the first.
MC: Ainge is too busy *almost* trading for Lebron.
JR: CAV IS FUCKING FEELING HIMSELF TONIGHT NO ONE IS SAFE OH MY LAWD
NG: Cav read one too many Embiid tweets tonight.
DL: Your team is irrelevant still.
******The Knicks select Frank Ntilikina with the 8th pick*******
DL: Hahahahahahahahahahaha
JR: Classic Phil!!!!
NG: Erm.
MC: Ninakeena? That’s how you pronounce shit.
JR: Lmaoooooo
NG: “Fits the triangle” fuuuuuuck….but I can get behind this. He’s just a couple years away.
DL: Lol
MC: 2 years away from being 2 years away?
8:33 PM-We Start to Lose Interest
DL: Let’s go Portland!
JR: Remember when Portland did that thing where they were really good and then really not good?
*******8:34 PM: Drew sends…..something********
DL: Yeah my side girl got a 5s with the screen cracked.
******8:36 PM-I have a John Boyega moment*******
JR: I would just like to, once again, put it out there that John Boyega is our lord and savior
DL: Javi likes men
JR: Yes I am 100% seeing Detroit because I’m a John Boyega Season Ticket holder.
*******The Trailblazers select Zach Collins with the 10th pick*******
NG: Who really, like actually truly, likes Zach Collins? That’s like really liking Wonder Bread.
JR: Doug Collins I bet.
MC: Ainge *almost* get Exhibit A:
*****9:oo PM-The beginning of the end******
JR: The draft is slowing down now, so unless something apocalyptic happens y’all can just stand by. Think of it as we’re transitioning into the After Party phase, ya dig?
MC: The real draft hasn’t even started yet. The Sixers have 4 second rounders.
JR: After the events that have unfolded, Noah’s mindset is basically that of drunk Tony Stark from Iron Man 2. Also, I hate you Cav.
NG: At least I’m Tony Stark.
JR: Drunk Tony Stark, there’s a difference. Still good, but has definitely seen better days.
MC: Ainge *almost* get Exhibit B:
JR: To be honest, I think my prediction of the Knicks drafting Tom Holland still came true.
****10:11 PM-Cav decides to talk about the Tyler Lydon pick?****
MC: Feel like I need to chime in for this pick. Lydon is a tweener with no real position in the NBA, I think. Good 3-point shot, but not big enough to guard 5’s. Not quick enough to guard today’s 4’s. Not sure where he fits in.
9:57 AM, the next day-Final Thoughts
NG: Bulls lose he draft, t-wolves win, Knicks managed to not fuck up too much so I’m happy.
MC: We learned that Bryan Colangelo is no Sam Hinkie when it comes to the second round.
JR: Sam Hinkie is a warlock.
JR: My winners and losers of the night:
- Winners — Joel Embiid still best social media savant in the game, t-wolves, LaVar Ball
- Losers — Bulls, Phil Jackson just because, and of course: Anyone who managed to read this far
