Hot Takes: Gaming Edition
Step into the kitchen and indulge in these controversial opinions
The months of September, October, November, and December — god bless them—are usually when us video game connoisseurs are ingratiated with a copious amount of delicious gaming titles. There’s a reason why October is occasionally given the “Broketober” title, and video games are the main suspect. So, obviously, you can probably imagine how exciting this time period is for me. I also love this time period because the weather finally cools down and actually becomes enjoyable
So, in an effort to celebrate both the onslaught of games coming out and the blazing heat season finally coming to pass, I figured I’d discuss some of my hottest video game-related takes. I already wrote about one of my most controversial takes, so it only makes sense to throw the rest of my cards onto the table.
(Side note: One of my newer theories is that 75% of people who say they like the summer don’t actually like the summer, but that’s another topic for another time).
Kingdom Hearts 2 is Hot Trash
Coming right out of the gate on this one!
In the past I’ve discussed, at a very minimal and not-long length, my affinity for the magical world of Kingdom Hearts. The series still holds a special place in the deep, disgusting recesses of my heart and soul. But after playing Kingdom Hearts II for the first time in a while this past summer, I can finally admit that I truly believe it is unequivocally the worst. Here are my reasons:
- Gameplay wise, it feels like it’s trying too hard to be God of War. Not to say the original Kingdom Hearts was as intricately designed as something like Final Fantasy or anything, but I found the sequel to be incredibly monotonous. Spamming the attack button like it’s going out of style, and pressing the “Reaction” command button dumbs down the combat significantly. Sure, the animations look incredible, but it’s superficial and borderline insulting when I think about it.
- The “Worlds” here are, unlike the first game, completely devoid of any mystique and have little to explore. It’s hilarious that you can actually collect maps to show the layout of each level, which usually boils down to just walking in a linear direction to reach the next section. BRUH.
- [Takes deep breath] Sora is borderline annoying, and his dialogue in this game was so cringe-worthy I had to skip almost every cutscene.
Alright, maybe Kingdom Hearts II isn’t a legitimately bad game, but it’s certainly one that gets a lot of passes thanks to it’s visuals and story. The game is fine, it really is. It’s fine. And honestly if you had no idea what I was talking about, good for you; your life is probably a lot better without it.
Destiny Is Just a Poor Man’s Borderlands
The original Destiny, released in 2014, was a fine game. At the beginning of this month, Bungie released it’s sequel, Destiny 2, which is also a fine game. They’re both fun and I enjoyed the time I spent with them.
[Slams fist onto table] But they’re both somewhat overrated.
Don’t get me wrong, the Destiny series does further cement Bungie’s legacy as one of the best in the industry in terms of nailing first-person-shooter gameplay on a console. However — and I did also find this to be an issue with Halo series—the world of Destiny feels a bit uninspired. Well, maybe not necessarily uninspired, but more disappointing. Given these are the same guys that made Halo, I often found the lore story and universe here to be bland and forgettable.
On the other hand, Borderlands oozes with personality and creativity and arguably has just as entertaining a multiplayer experience. Gearbox has made some, uh, questionable decisions in their history — Borderlands is certainly not one of them.
My Favorite Call of Duty is the First Black Ops
THE NUMBERS MASON. WHAT ARE THE NUMBERS!?!?!
This is the epitome of my bias, so hang on tight. The single-player campaign remains the 2nd best behind Call of Duty Modern Warfare (Just the sniper mission alone makes that game’s campaign untouchable); the multiplayer attempted new ideas like the playercard customization and wager matches; we were given the joy that is Nuketown (before it got overplayed, easily one of the best maps ever) and Firing Range (secretly one of the best maps ever); Treyarch doubled down on Zombies being more than just a mini-game and gave us the best maps for it (Five is secretly one of the most genius things ever done in the series; JFK, Fidel Castro, Robert McNamara, and Richard Nixon as playable characters killing zombies is biblical); and they gave us a top-down zombies arcade game that would’ve been appreciated more if regular zombies wasn’t so much goddamn fun.
Can I also award the game for making me craft such an obnoxious run-on sentence for that last paragraph? Blops forever!
Electronic Arts Might Possibly be Scientifically the Worst
Oh, right, this isn’t actually a hot take at all.
Subspace Emissary is Dope
Super Smash Brothers Brawl is a classic, let us make no mistake about that. When I say classic, I mean every aspect of the game, though, which includes the much-maligned Subspace Emissary story mode.
Why does it get so much criticism? It may be repetitive and contain perhaps the single-greatest “Hahahaha screw you” end-game level of any game in the last two decades, but we actually got a story mode in a fighting game! It gave us cool, fan service-y cutscenes! The whole thing is a great side-excursion from the typical battles in a Smash Bros. game; at least they clearly showed an effort in giving us more content.
Rejoice, my fellow Smash Bros. brethren! Rejoice!
Mario Party is the Best Multiplayer Experience This Planet Has to Offer
I know, I know. I probably sound as deranged as a Flat Earther — or anyone who fully ascribes to Paul Joseph Watson’s takes on pop culture—for speaking such outlandish nonsense. My counterpoint would be that the Mario Party games are such unfiltered products of chaos that they can be enjoyed even for their faults. You don’t need to be good at video games to enjoy your time with Mario Party, just semi-competent enough to know the button layout of a controller.
I promise you, there’s so much unintentional genius to be found within the deep confines of this series. It’s nuanced in ways only the enlightened can truly understand! Join us! JOIN THE PARTY!!
(Disclaimer: I am not in a cult)
Bully is My Favorite Rockstar Game
Last but not least, we turn our attention to perhaps the greatest game developer in the world: Rockstar Games. Their catalog is expansive — to say the very, very, VERY least — and there’s no doubting their overall impact on the gaming industry. Obviously, Grand Theft Auto is their hallmark series, I won’t try debating that. I will, however, declare that Bully is my favorite game they’ve made.
Over the past few months — and, boy, what a slew of months it has been—I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a special attachment and infatuation with school-related stories. I think I’ve watched The Edge of Seventeen, Perks of Being a Wallflower, and Easy A a combined 27 times over the last year or so. It’s a genre that time after time puts me in a better mood.
Your soft side is showing teehee
Shut up.
Just saying, just saying.
You haven’t showed up in forever, why now?
I don’t know, I just find this the one take of yours that I kinda agree with. Go on.
The excellent writing, attention to detail, open-world chicanery, and gameplay variety that Rockstar has become famous for is here; only in this case it’s about an adolescent boy trying to takeover/defeat each of the school’s respective cliques and the jerks that reside in them. You see, you’re not actually the bully, you’re the guy (despite what Fox News might have you believe) that’s trying to put the bullies in their place. Seriously, how many good high school video games have there ever been?
Bully is secretly a coming-of-age story, unlike the serious gangsters and criminals that Rockstar is typically associated with, and I love it for that.
