Is Forgiving People Easy or Difficult For You? Learn to Let Go of Resentment.
Here’s a re-frame of forgiveness that will make forgiving anyone effortless and instant. I will show you how, but you must do the work.
Forgiving people who have hurt us is not easy, but it is essential to our well-being!
I cannot overstate how crucial it is to purge resentment from your mind and heart. Take your time, and do the work. Read this article slowly, and then spend the next thirty days forgiving everyone. It may even save your life someday.
Most people struggle with forgiving. You’re not the only one. I understand that forgiving is difficult and seems almost impossible. I do. In fact, it could well be the hardest thing you ever have to do.
It’s not fair. Especially if someone had caused you serious harm, betrayed you, and doesn’t even show any remorse or willingness to repent. This changes nothing.
You still need to forgive them. All of them! No exceptions.
“What? They don’t deserve it! You don’t know what they did to me! I want revenge, not forgiveness! I can’t forgive that bastard?! He’s not even sorry!”
Yes, you can, and you will. You don’t really have a choice.
The consequences of holding on to anger and resentment are far too serious, and if you can’t muster the courage to forgive, it may consume and devour you until nothing is left. Figuratively and literally!
You can prolong the pain and suffering, but if you ever want to get past the situation, heal the pain, and move on with your life, you must find a way to forgive the person you resent! I'm here to help you with that seemingly impossible task.
Forgive everyone and everything as fast as possible!
Resentment and anger are eating you from the inside out.
There are reasonable indications that resentful relationships are a leading cause of cancer. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Something is eating you on the inside, and if not stopped, it manifests itself in your body, essentially eating itself. First, it consumes your mind, then your relationships, and finally, your body.
Harboring resentment is one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself, mentally and physically, but it does nothing to the person you resent!
Remember this and engrave it on your forehead:
Your inability to forgive someone HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM, ONLY YOU!
The act of forgiving them releases YOU from that bond and situation, NOT THEM.
Once you understand the truth and the importance of this fact, you’ll be able to forgive everyone instantly.
Not because they deserve it but because you do!
No matter what they did to you. They’ve done enough damage, cut the emotional tighs with them, and move on. By holding on to resentment, you are only hurting yourself.
It’s not them doing this to you — you are! And you’re the only one who can stop it.
A backpack full of rocks and a rope around your waste.
Imagine hiking up a mountain toward everything you’ve ever wanted and some bastard of a human being strapped a backpack full of heavy rocks on your back.
Adding insult to injury, he also tied a rope around your waste, and you’re now forced to drag him up behind you for eternity.
What a prick! I agree. Shame on him.
These rocks are your resentment and anger.
The rope represents your emotional and mental attachment to this man and the situation.
As long as you hold on to resentment, you are dragging him behind, along with a backpack full of rocks in the form of anger, sorrow, and other painful emotions.
Let’s face it; you’re never getting up that mountain unless you cut that rope and take off the backpack!
It could take years, but there is no way in hell you’ll be able to carry all that baggage and that heavy prick up that mountain.
- You don’t want to let go because the bastard hurt you.
- You want to show him that you hate and resent him!
- You want to make him suffer like you did!
- He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.
Maybe he doesn’t, but you’re still the one dragging him behind you, unable to let go and free yourself from this situation. Not him! You know what you need to do.
Take the knife and cut yourself free of the man and the backpack.
Forgive him, and find relief and lightness because you deserve to reach this mountain of treasure (happiness) and are under no obligation to drag him along.
The sooner you cut the emotional tighs, the sooner he will disappear into the distance, and you won’t have to see his ugly mug ever again. He’s taken enough of your time, thoughts, and life already. Don’t add to it. Cut him loose! The sooner, the better.
RE-FRAME forgiving someone as FOR YOU and not for them.
We both agree that this person doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. I am not arguing with that. But you don’t deserve to suffer any more than you have, either.
Your resentment doesn’t hurt the person you are angry with; it hurts you.
By doing this (holding on to anger and resentment), you are like a man who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or excrement in his hand, and so first burns himself or makes himself stink. — By Buddhaghoṣa, in the Visuddhimagga (circa the 5th Century).
If you see forgiving someone as letting them off the hook, you will naturally resist it.
- Your forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to accept them back into your life.
- It also doesn’t make their action right or acceptable.
- Nor does it mean you have to forget what has happened.
However, there is something to be said about the benefits of having a “Goldfish-like” memory. If we were able to quickly forget all that made us feel bad, life would be incomparably easier. Wouldn’t you agree?
The things listed above aren’t connected! You may think they are, but they aren’t!
- You can forgive someone in your heart and never tell a soul about it. They don’t have to know. It’s none of their business. This is all FOR YOU.
- You can forgive someone and still learn the painful lesson that will prevent you from making the same mistake again.
- You can forgive someone and never trust them again. If they have betrayed you, you forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you have to see them, talk with them, do business with them, or take them back. Clear your heart, not your schedule.
- You can forgive them and still believe that they did something wrong. Just don’t wallow in pity and feel sorry for yourself.
Physically freeing yourself is worthless unless you also free yourself in your heart and mind.
This doesn’t release the person you are resenting from the consequences of their actions!
Either these are excommunication, break-up, or lawsuits. If someone stole money from you, you call the police and, if need be, sue them. But on the inside, you must forgive them as soon as possible, regardless of the outcome.
They took your money, don’t let them take your inner peace and steal what little chance of happiness you have!
You didn’t have a choice when they stole your money; that happened to you. But your attention, emotions, and thoughts are yours to give or withhold. Wasting them on this person is your doing, not theirs!
Two people, same scenario, one forgives, and the other resents.
Imagine two kids buying an ice cream from a vendor. They finally get a cup of their favorite flavor in their hands as some jerk on a bike intentionally knocks the ice cream out of their hands while laughing at their shocked faces.
One kid, let’s call him Jack, loses his mind over it.
He starts screaming at the man on the bike, running behind him, and when he can’t catch him, he tells everyone about his horrific experience. He’s hurt, and he wants the world to know. He calls his parents, grandparent, and his best friend. He is consumed with anger and feels the whole world has conspired against him.
His parents come looking for him a few hours later, but he is inconsolable. They offer to buy him a new cup of ice cream, but he couldn’t be more insulted that they don’t understand his anger!
“It’s not about the ice cream. It’s about that evil man on the bike”, he exclaims. “He is evil, and he did this on purpose! He should be punished!”
The parents agree, but since no one knows the man, they can do nothing about it. He goes home empty-handed and spends the night cursing the nasty bicyclist who knocked the ice cream off his hands and plotting his revenge. As his mind is spewing hatred, his gut is draining its content in a violent rampage on the toilet. He’s emotionally and physically exhausted.
Meanwhile, the other kid, Mike, chose a different path.
He saw his ice cream hit the floor, examined if it was still edible, and upon concluding that it was not, shrugged his shoulders and went back to the vendor to order another cup of ice cream.
He told the vendor what happened, laughed it off, and the man gave him a little something extra to cheer him up. A minute later, he was already enjoying his favorite ice cream, slightly disappointed, but whatever. This was fun, and he was enjoying himself. It’s just ice cream, he concluded.
“But it’s not the same thing!” I can hear you protesting.
Sure, it’s not. And yet it is. While the situation is silly, the consequences show the difference between holding on to resentment, however justified, and forgiving and moving on with your life.
Whatever situation caused our resentment, the result is always the same.
- If we can’t forgive the person or situation (accidents, sickness, God?), we will be consumed with rage, sorrow, and resentment.
- This will make us feel miserable and make our lives a living hell.
- We couldn’t have prevented the situation, but we don’t have to keep replaying it in our minds.
- We don’t have to be stuck with it. We can and should move on.
In the story above, the inconsiderate bicyclist wanted to piss the young boys off, and the longer they were angry at him, the more he achieved his objective.
Mike, who forgave and moved on, was only mildly inconvenienced by the whole ordeal, while Jack’s day was completely ruined, and he will be ranting about his misfortunes for weeks to come.
The situation is what it is — move on or stay stuck! The choice is yours.
Whatever happened to you has already happened. There is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is accept it, learn from it, and move on. Forgiving the person who hurt you is integral to that end.
- If you resent your partner for something they did and can’t forgive them, there is no point in being or working together anymore.
- If you continue to be consumed with resentment for this person, there is no hope of meeting new people and opportunities, as you are suspicious, guarded, and angry. You won’t trust anyone and will project the previous relationship onto potential new ones, thus dooming them to fail.
- You can’t move on, do better, meet new people, or give anything your full attention until you clean up your old grievances.
If you ignore this and jump into a new relationship, you will only relive the same situation over and over again until you learn this lesson.
On the mountain (from the first story), you now meet someone new.
They’re perfect and wish to go with you to the top. You are mesmerized by them. But you can't keep up since you haven’t cut the rope to the person behind you, and you still carry all that baggage in your backpack.
For a while, this person keeps patiently waiting for you and helps pull you up, listening to the ramblings of your misfortune, but sooner or later, you part ways. They just can’t do it anymore.
You’re not ready to let go of the old, so they can’t give you the new.
Were you free of your resentment and baggage, you could have been on the top of that mountain by now, enjoying the view and the rewards that come with it.
How do you forgive someone without confronting them?
As I’ve repeatedly pointed out, your forgiveness is not for them but for you. It has nothing to do with them. They are entirely irrelevant.
You may choose to tell them or don’t. It makes no difference at all!
How you release resentment and lift the burden of anger doesn’t matter. Just do it! In any way you can. As long as you do it thoroughly!
When you’re done, there should be no ill feelings left, only acceptance and detachment.
“Shit happens,” sort of thing. “I’m over it,” and if you can muster it, “I sincerely wish them all the best in the future.”
When you can say that and mean it, you are free.
I will give you three processes you can use but don’t have to. They’re just different ways of achieving the same thing. The goal is what is important here, and that is absolute forgiveness and the purging of resentment from your system.
Forgiveness visualization technique
Close your eyes and imagine the person you wish to forgive on a stage inside a theater. You can imagine them anywhere. Just shine the light of your attention on them. Focus and see their face, hear their voice, and know they are there.
- Tell them what they did and how it made you feel. Tell them all you want or need to say to them. Only you know what that is. Spill your guts. This is your chance.
- Tell them that you forgive them. Completely. Sincerely. Repeat this part for as long as it takes to feel relief in your feelings toward this person. You’ll know when you get there.
- Before you let them go, sincerely wish them luck in their life, and mean it. Tell them that you hope they treat other people better than they treated you. If you can, wish them to never have to feel what you felt because of them.
- Now imagine that you see a rope connecting you together. Cut that rope and let them fly into the distance, out of your sight, out of your mind, and out of your heart.
- Take a deep breath and feel the relief of letting them go. It will feel like someone just removed their foot from your chest or shoulders. A burden was lifted. You did it.
I know this is not easy, especially in some extreme cases. But it is absolutely cathartic.
Remember — you’re doing this for you, not them!
You’ll probably have to repeat this process a few times.
If you can’t go through with it on the first go, don’t despair. Baby steps. Take it one step at a time. Start by telling them that you don’t want to be hurt by them anymore. You’ve had enough. You’ve made a choice to stop thinking about them. They no longer matter to you. It’s time to let them go. And take it from there.
Once you’re able to see them in your mind, tell them you forgive them, and won’t feel even a slight trace of resistance, you’re done.
You are then ready to take it one step further and imagine them happy and joyful and genuinely wish them well. Just don’t go there too quickly.
Written forgiveness technique
Take out a pen and a notebook or your computer and begin writing.
- You can write them a letter, explaining everything you want to tell them. How they made you feel, and what they did to you. Tell them it’s time to let them go and, as in the above example, begin the process of forgiving them. One step at a time.
- Write for as long as you want, and don’t censure yourself. Put all of your thoughts and feelings on paper.
- Then forgive them. Write (something like): “I Forgive you! I forgive you for everything that you did to me. I forgive you for how you made me feel. I forgive you for the hell you have put me through. I forgive you for being an asshole. I forgive you for destroying what we’ve built (whatever it was). I forgive you for stealing my money. I forgive you for betraying my trust. I forgive you for never apologizing. I forgive you for everything, and I set myself free! I don’t want to carry this resentment with me anymore. I’ve suffered enough! It’s time to move on. I forgive you not because you deserve it but because I do! I am done. I don’t blame you anymore. I hope you have a good life, and I sincerely hope you find a way to fix what is broken inside you. I hope you will do better next time. I wish you nothing but the best. I sincerely do. We all deserve to be happy, even you. Goodbye.”
- If you want, you can then rip those pages out of the notebook, print them on paper, and burn them in a cathartic statement, a symbol of ultimate destruction and rebirth. As you watch the fire burn, feel the change within you. Feel how you are cutting ties with them, and the pain, anger, and resentment are now being consumed by the fire, purified in flame. Feel and exhale the relief one last time.
- Bonus exercise: Write the things that you like about that person, however small. What do you respect about them? Did they ever do anything nice for you? Write it down. Find another positive thing. Did they ever make you feel good? Was there a time when you got along? Were they ever good to you? Keep trying to find things you liked about them or your relationship. If you can, find it in your heart to be grateful for having known them, whether because of the good times or for the lessons learned.
This, too, is an exercise you will want to repeat over and over again until it feels effortless. I know that doesn’t seem possible, but I assure you it is. Give it time, and keep going until you couldn’t care less about the situation and the person. Persist until it becomes painless and easy. Then you’ll know that you’ve done it. You have forgiven them. Congratulations — you are free.
Affirmations on forgiveness
The exercises above take time, focus, and determination. You can do them daily or occasionally, although I suggest a focused effort until the goal is achieved. One person at a time, please.
You can supplement those forgiveness techniques by repeating a simple mantra throughout your day or during your workouts, meditation, walking, or driving.
Something simple and general, like: “I forgive you!” or “I forgive everyone, and everyone forgives me!” You can also include yourself in the mix, “I forgive myself for all of my mistakes, and I forgive everyone else theirs.”
Keep repeating this mantra to yourself all through the day for as long as it takes. I promise it gets easier with repetition and time. Think of it as a purification ritual. You’re cleaning all the residue relationships, unsolved emotions, ties of your past, and your karma (if that matters to you).
Knowledge will set you free — the final piece of the puzzle.
I will leave you with a golden nugget of understanding. This one piece of information will make all of the above seem possible, if not exactly effortless. Are you ready?
They didn’t really have a choice. It’s just who they are.
“Wait, what? What is this bullshit now? There’s always a choice! They did this on purpose!” I hear you protesting.
Yes and no. There is always a choice, you are right, and I agree. But it might as well not be. We are all programmed from a young age to become who we are today. How we will react when certain situations or choices become available might as well have been written in stone. People are no better than animals, or for lack of a better analogy, a computer program.
We are all the product of our society, environment, and mostly our parents.
These determine who we are and what we are like. Wherever we are in life right now is a culmination of a billion factors. If we knew how to calculate them into a formula, we could predict with a high degree of confidence what someone will do in specific situations. This is in no way a justification for bad behavior and poor choices. I’m just helping you to understand people better.
The people who hurt you most likely didn’t hurt you intentionally.
This was never their goal. Only a side effect. They acted the way they acted because of who they were and what life had made them into. One plus one equals two, sort of thing.
If one were raised as a cannibal, they would respect the sanctity of life as we do. If, on a hungry night, they then decide to kill some innocent bystander, they didn’t really make this choice out of malice. They were hungry, and food walked by, so they killed it and ate it. When we would rightfully arrest them, they would stare at us, all confused and lost, like little puppies who don’t know they aren’t allowed to pee on the carpet.
Even when we know something is wrong or is breaking an agreement, we’re still going to act on instinct. If we don’t have high moral and ethical standards engraved in us from an early age and pride ourselves on our integrity, we will be a million times more likely to cheat, for example.
We all have needs and desires. In order to abide by an agreement with our partners, we choose to fight them, and it is not an easy fight. Most lose this fight when caught in the heat of the moment.
For some, cheating is the greatest betrayal of trust. I’m one of these weirdoes. For others, it’s just a bang. What’s the big deal? And they mean it! They see nothing wrong in cheating on their partners whatsoever. “I’m still here. I still take care of my family and put food on the table. I still love her. I just worked out on this random chick in a vertical position. It was fun, but now I’m back. What did I miss?”
Different perspectives and definitions of good and evil.
Some people see others as sheep and themselves as wolves. They see nothing wrong in taking money from the naive. They have no moral issues with lying and cheating to make some money. For them, it’s the rule of the jungle. The biggest, badest predators take all.
They feel they deserve your money. They see themselves as the good guys, not some evil entities exploiting the weak and the ignorant. After all, it’s hard to blame them, although we do, as it’s the most natural instinct and perspective in the known universe.
Even the most horrific deeds of our history have been done by people who believed in their hearts that what they were doing was good.
That they were actually making the world a better place with their horrific deeds. In all wars and competitions, people believe that God is on their side, cheering for their victory and the death or defeat of the opposing team. Us vs. them. We are the good guys. We deserve the win. We are in the right, no matter what. It’s just perspectives at play.
Some will find a problem with this perspective. Understanding and accepting it takes something most people don’t possess — empathy. The ability to switch perspectives and put themselves into other people’s shoes. To see things from perspectives other than their own.
Then there’s the whole — hurt people hurt people fact.
Happy and content individuals don’t go around making other people miserable. Only truly hurting souls do this. When you see a monster of a man, realize there is something deeply wrong with them. Perhaps they were horribly mistreated as kids. Maybe something broke within them later on. It’s a scream for help, a quick release of pressure, an expression of their pain. They suffer from above, and then they lash out at those below.
It takes a great person to resist this urge and stop the snowball of emotions, pain, and violence with them. Most people can’t even dream of being able to do this.
We are all so very different, grew up in opposing environments, and have been indoctrinated (for better or worse) with ideals of our social circle. We might as well be alien to one another. This is how much our worldviews differ. It’s difficult to comprehend this fact, but the truth is that we don’t see and understand things the same way- at all!
What does this all have to do with the person you’re trying to forgive?
It’s time to do the unthinkable. Put yourself in their shoes.
See the world, yourself and your relationship from their perspective.
Really go deep and think about who they are, what their life was growing up, connect the dots, and see if you can make sense of it all. The answers could be as simple as they are weak, have no spine, and have no self-control. Indeed.
So did they really have a choice in the matter?
- If a sheep hears a loud shot, does it have a choice not to get frightened?
- If a war veteran gets pushed into a corner in a physical altercation, and a gun finds a way to his hand, does he have a choice in stopping what comes next, or will trauma and experience take over?
- If a broken boy of a man with no integrity, self-respect, and integrated honor, finds himself alone in a room with a hot girl who wants nothing but to rip his pants off, does he stand a chance of resisting her? Really?
- If a poor person, one who has struggled and suffered all of their life, finds himself in a position where he can take money from some “rich old dude, who has too much as it is,” and improve their life and the life of their family immeasurably, will they be able to resist? A lot harder than you and I, that’s for sure.
- If I caught someone trying to hurt my little girl, would I be able to stop myself from killing them? I hope so, but I wouldn’t bet on it. And guess what? I would sleep like a baby in jail.
So, is it possible that the person who hurt you and who you are now trying to forgive was doomed to make this mistake all along?
- Is it possible that you would do the same if you were raised in his place?
- Could there be things in this situation that you simply do not understand?
Again, I’m not justifying anything, only explaining that certain things happen and that we don’t experience or perceive things in the same way. We’re all different. We can see the same situation from entirely different eyes.
When you understand that:
- People are who they are because of their past and how incredibly difficult it is to truly change or stay rational and disciplined at all times.
- We all see the same situations differently. We are all different.
- You don’t know everything about that person or his situation (mental, emotional, or life).
You will find it easier to forgive them.
After all, are you proud of all of your “choices” and actions?
Did you ever do anything that you wish you could take back? Are you perfect and infallible? If your answer is yes — I bow to your infallible holiness, but if the answer is no, seeing your susceptibility to making mistakes might make it easier to forgive others for theirs.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
In all of this reflection, you might come to the conclusion that you had played some small (or large) part in the situation that has caused your resentment. It usually takes two, one way or another. Guess what — you need to forgive yourself!
If you caused this mess, make peace with yourself. You’re only human. We all make mistakes. Try to forgive yourself as soon as possible because no amount of self-hatred will help you, but it will harm you.
A good way of thinking about this is that if you had known better, you would have done better!
If you had the information, knowledge, perspective, and experience you have now, you would have done things differently. But you didn’t, so there’s no point blaming yourself for this mistake.
All we can ever do is the best we know how to, or are able to at this moment.
Being a general is much easier after the battle. In the heat of the moment, we all make mistakes. It’s ok. Let it go. Accept it. Forgive yourself and move on, as that is the only thing you can do now.
Forgive quickly, forgive indiscriminately, and forgive often! For you, not for them, and free yourself from the burdens of your past. You deserve it!
