Misery Loves Company (Part II).
Is it just the ‘Law of Attraction’ or is there more to it?
This post is a continuation, see Part I here.
Since ‘proximity is power’ how do we balance the need to be understood and truly seen with the desire to grow and evolve? “Birds of a feather flock together” it seems, but how does one break the cycle or momentum of association with the miserable or complacent when they’re ready to snap out of it? I wholeheartedly believe that it is incredibly important to feel through emotions, allowing them to fully move through you when they arise, so they don’t build up like a clogged drain to your heart and soul over time. You have to acknowledge and release them not suppress them, but feeling into them is also very different from the indulgent tendency to wallow. For me, setting boundaries has become an invaluable skill that I’m still learning to master. But I’ve become very intentional with who I surround myself with, conscious to what role each person in my life plays. I inquire whether that person consistently adds to my energy or takes away from it (see a great analogy of this with Brené Brown’s marble jar concept, and I also recommend her longer video on the Anatomy of Trust). I also create boundaries about the information I ingest, which now more than ever is imperative given that so much out there is simply agenda-driven crap. So, I stand firm at the boundary of my heart and mind, not letting others’ toxicity infect my state or my own experience of life.
Joe Dispenza says, “You only accept, believe and surrender to information equal to your emotional state…[therefore] a person not feeling fear is less programmable”.
A reminder that we are all the creators of our own reality. Not the melancholy person next to me, or the false news making money on being overdramatic, or even the family member resorting to blame or victimhood. That doesn’t mean we can’t also be unconditionally loving, empathetic and generous, but we must also be conscious about the energy we take in and not unconscious to those people or things that bring us down and make us less effective participants and contributors in this life.
In our current environment, the real life examples of “misery loves company” are exaggerated. Even in my own network connecting with family and friends, some are stuck in the “misery” of it all, unable to see any Silver Linings and instead are a magnet for every negative story on social media believing everything in the “bad news”. Whereas others are rising above the noise, becoming even more resourceful and resilient, a beacon of light for their families, friends and communities. These positively-minded folks are choosing faith over fear, as Tony Robbins says ‘both are imagined because no one can be certain of the future, but faith is just your imagination directed’. As another boundary, I choose to direct my imagination during potentially unresourceful times. I choose faith not fear.
My husband and I are lucky enough to be based in a community filled with “dream catchers” as I call them. People from a wide variety of backgrounds and upbringings who all came to or stayed in Jackson to make their dreams come true for themselves and their families — to live in the mountains while still having a massive impact on the world. Jim Rohn says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. I’ve also heard ‘show me your bank statement and your calendar, and I’ll show you your future (i.e. where you spend your money and time equals your life). Therefore, the people you spend the most time with shape who you are. They determine what conversations dominate your attention. They affect which attitudes and behaviors you are regularly exposed to. Eventually you start to think like they think and behave like they behave. So, the most important boundary in my opinion…protect your time and be conscious of who you spend time with.
As Darren Hardy writes in The Compound Effect, “According to research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard, [the people you habitually associate with] determine as much as 95% of your success or failure in life.” That is huge, massive! So, although we all will inevitably experience de-energizing and unresourceful emotions at times, find positive outlets to move those emotions through you and don’t allow yourself to wallow in them (positive outlets for me include; movement, getting outside connecting with nature and absorbing natural vitamin-D, drawing or photography, connecting with higher-energy people in my life, reading positive content, watching a funny light-hearted or inspiring movie, or writing down everything I’m grateful for). Be conscious of who you surround yourself with, how you spend your time and money, and what content you allow to enter your mind.
Bodhidharma, a Buddhist monk who lived during the 5th or 6th century, said “All know the way; few actually walk it.”
Similar to losing weight, we all know that if we eat less and move more we’ll lose weight. But few actually do it and the weight loss/diet industry is a multi-billion dollar industry because of this human fallibility. Why? Why do we ignore what’s so obvious in front of us? Why do miserable people choose to stay miserable and like Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and his followers, Crabbe and Goyl, surround themselves with other miserable people? There is power in numbers. There is comfort in the familiar. There is a longing to feel accepted and understood. But don’t fall victim to it, rise up and choose consciously who you surround yourself with, how you spend your time and money. Let negative emotions move through you when they arise, as they inevitably will, but don’t let them overtake you to the point of wallowing. If ‘misery loves company’, know that happiness / achievement / growth / contribution all love company too! What company do you choose to keep?
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