Pain Can Be Our Greatest Teacher

Finding the wisdom in the unwanted.

“…what we habitually regard as obstacles are not really our enemies, but rather our friends. What we call obstacles are really the way the world and our entire experience teach us where we’re stuck. What may appear to be an arrow or a sword we can actually experience as a flower. Whether we experience what happens to us as an obstacle and enemy or as a teacher and friend depends entirely on our perception of reality. It depends on our relationship with ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön

As themed in my recent posts (see here and here), ‘proximity is power’ and those who you choose to surround yourself will undoubtedly greatly impact your energy, output and overall well-being. But what about what you can’t control or predict, like that which you consider painful or unwanted in your life? Well, similar to those who continuously celebrate you or inspire you to constantly evolve, painful people and experiences can also be your greatest teachers if you let them. When they do arrive in your life though, as they inevitably will, how do you fully seize the opportunity and lean into the discomfort for the greatest learnings possible?

The first step towards moving forward is to fully accept where you are now (and what has happened). Do not run away from it, which is often the automatic reaction. Similar to a GPS, in order to get to your desired destination, you first must identify where you’re at and start from there in order to make progress in the direction you want. Rather than avoiding it, you must instead just be with it (pain, discomfort, anxiety, rejection, insecurity, rage, fear, loneliness, etc.). You must feel the feeling fully. No matter how bad it feels, you give it more space by breathing it in and imagining your heart expanding. Do not try to suppress the pain, instead welcome, embrace, accept and acknowledge what you’re feeling. Otherwise “whatever you resist persists”. So, welcome the discomfort fully. Let it move through you, do not ignore it. Even if you do, it will eventually overflow any way and come out even stronger and all consuming. Instead of seeing it as something dreadful you originally wanted to avoid, let it become something you actually get into. Become present enough to actually transcend your resistance to the feeling, whatever it may be.

As an entrepreneur and leader, you’ll be faced with countless opportunities to heal your hurt and face your fears. But this will inevitably show up in your personal life too. As a parent, spouse, sibling, child, creator, artist, etc.; whatever roles you play in your life, painful experiences are bound to arise. That being said, our faults and failings are temporary, but how do you get rid of them? Not by ignoring them but instead by getting to know them intimately. Say ‘thank you’ when going through a crisis. There is always a rainbow behind the clouds, as Pema Chödrön said, “you are the sky and everything else — it’s just the weather” (see Pema’s books for more on the practice of accepting the unwanted; When Things Fall Apart and Welcoming the Unwelcome).

What painful moments have you endured in your life? Maybe you’re going through one right now. Are you able to see that that past moment or this very moment is one of your greatest teachers? Begin by being okay with the seemingly unsupported or groundless space, the feeling of discontent or the rawness of vulnerability. Welcome it and say “I see you. I thank you. I appreciate you for what you’re here to teach me”. Acknowledge, embrace, accept and appreciate this discontent. We’re human and meant to feel all the emotions, not just the positive ones. All feelings are welcome, the beauty and depth of life includes the whole tapestry of good and bad, happy and sad, wanted and unwanted. But it’s up to you to learn from the painful moments in particular, and to see them as the teachers they’re meant to be for you. Oprah referred to them as “pull-up moments” in a recent podcast, moments that take you by surprise or rock you to your core, but ultimately pull you up into another deeper part of yourself so now you understand things differently and more clearly.

How can we begin the practice of ending our own or universal suffering? We do so by practicing feeling the undesired emotion as completely as you can, whatever is going on for you. Go into your body, locate the “suffering” (usually showing up as a contraction or tension) and learn how to open and expand to it. Let it move through you with dance, movement, breath, journaling or simply awareness. Be kind to that tightness, breathe it in and familiarize yourself with it, letting it manifest itself fully in your consciousness. There is a practice in Buddhism called tonglen known as ‘giving and taking’ or exchanging self with other. In this meditation practice, you’re able to take on others’ sufferings as a way to expand your compassion and heal the greater suffering of the world. Those emotions that you consider “painful” are felt by millions around the world, they are not novel or your own per se, so this practice allows you to sit with them in the greater global suffering. Similarly, Pema has a powerful practice called ‘compassionate abiding’ with yourself, which is a way to bring kindness to your feelings of discomfort.

We ultimately must welcome the uncomfortable and not shy away from it. Most addictions come from this (people shying away from or ignoring discontent); with everyone trying to make themselves feel good internally, they often reach out externally to override the unwanted feelings. Pema illuminates this when she says,

“Most of us do not take these [painful] situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”

An addiction (or perhaps framed positively, a devotion) worth cultivating in my mind is the radical acceptance of self, reality and others. Choosing to find the teachings in every moment, especially the most painful ones we’d rather avoid.

Who have your greatest teachers been in your life? Who are your greatest teachers right now? Who do you need to thank? This is part of being human, the vulnerable and tender part. The part that hurts and calls us to find a deeper meaning when it’s toughest to do so. This part is linked to the part that feels compassion and love. But you can’t know how to love unless you also know how to hurt. Similarly, “If you don’t know what fear feels like, then you can never be fearless.” Ultimately “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” (Pema Chödrön). The nature of life is experience and in order to experience it fully, you must surrender to all emotions, welcoming them wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

In a recent article my sister shared with me “Surrendering to Uncertainty” (also see our post Embracing Uncertainty) this quote gave me chills,

“…the tenderness I felt offered up its own wisdom. Don’t squander this, it said. You want with all your might to wish this away. But there is something vital here, in all this unknown. It will teach you why you are truly alive. I learned that uncertainty was not unyielding. It was instead something I could fall into, and be held by. I could surrender to it.” The writer beautifully continues with, “In this state of uncertainty[/discontent], we are awestruck by our smallness and humbled by our inability to control anything. And some of us might feel only grief. But we are also poised for awakenings. We can realize the relative weightlessness of the things our egos once believed we needed. And we can become attuned to the gifts of our life, these millions of breaths we never could count on.”

Breathe it in, all of it. Become grateful for the depth of emotions you’re alive to feel fully. That is your greatest gift, perhaps this is your ultimate legacy, to feel fully.

Prime Movers Lab invests in breakthrough scientific startups founded by Prime Movers, the inventors who transform billions of lives. We invest in seed-stage companies reinventing energy, transportation, infrastructure, manufacturing, human augmentation and computing

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