Transgender Women & Men and the Initials LGBTQ
Do these groups have more in common than we might think?
The more I read and learn about transgender women and men, the more I realize that we all — lesbians, gay men, bisexual and transgender people, and those of us questioning any of the above — have a lot in common as well as any number of unique individual experiences.
In no way do I want to negate the importance of transgender acceptance and what a person must go through to make this self-decision, but we (LGBTQ+) are all fighting individual battles with family, friends, religion, society, and government, as well as internal ones with self; focusing on which gender(s) we identify with and which sex we like to fuck. I would like to think it helps now and then to look at what we have in common in those battles, lost and won, to see what we can do to support each other!
Cisgender and transgender identities are grounded in gender roles, but because these roles are socially constructed and not a clearly defined concept, gender is on a spectrum. Cisgender and transgender are relative terms representing individual experiences of what “gender” is. As one trans woman explains:
Gender cannot and should not be defined by anyone other than the individual.
One way gender was described to me seems to make a lot of sense:
Gender is how one perceives oneself regarding the biological parts with which one was born.
That is, I have a penis and I identify as male — or — I was born with a penis, but I feel I am a woman trapped in a man’s body.
Sexuality or sexual preferences refers to who one prefers as a fuck partner!
That is, I am a man and I prefer male sex partners — or — I am a woman and I prefer female sex partners.
To stretch the point, some of the variables discussed here apply to heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. But that is a different story.
While the above tries to give understanding to some of the differences, there are many more variables available. For example, people who are attracted to both men and women.
To clarify, I am a cisgender, white, older, gay man. I served time in my “confused, without role models or a supportive childhood” phase from 1945 on, came out as a junior in college (with still very few role models or support), had a 13-year relationship with a man, followed by a 41-year relationship with a bisexual but now gay man who was previously married for seven years to a woman (with no children).
Gregory, my 41-year partner, lived the last twelve years of his life with dementia/Alzheimer’s Disease, and I was able to walk the journey beside him, taking care of him at home, making his living with dementia a little easier. (For more about our relationship CLICK HERE.)
In my “growing up gay” days, there was gay, lesbian, bisexual, transvestite (dressing in the opposite sex’s clothing), and transsexual (an individual identifying with a gender not associated with their biological sex). Terms and labels have exploded into general awareness in the last five to ten years!
Besides LGBTQ there is gender fluid, nonbinary, and some 40+ other terms: CLICK HERE TO READ MORE ABOUT THESE LABELS.
Nowadays, there is also a lot of information out there on intersex children born with both biological “parts” of a male and a female. Close looks are being taken at the idea of parents and doctors making decisions on removing one of the sexes without really knowing who that child is or how growing up will affect their gender.
Doing a lot of reading on PRISM & PEN has informed me about many of the joys and sorrows, struggles and successes, injustices and pains in the life of the transgender community.
Having my documentary ALZHEIMER’S: A Gay Love Story (click to watch trailer and/or rent) accepted to over 90 international, national, and local film festivals and winning over 30 awards, including two from the American Pavilion of the Cannes Film Festival, opened me to the world of alternative lifestyle films and their makers.
As a judge for Open Space Arts (click to open link), a Chicago organization which illuminates contemporary and historical issues through film and live performances, I have also been exposed to transgender and gender fluid stories which help me understand and accept what it means to be part of those communities.
Some of the similarities between “LGBQ?” and “T” include:
- Feelings inside our body and mind that are not true reflections of who we are on the outside.
- Abusive families who will not try to understand who we really are and/or struggling to be.
- Religious organizations that refuse you entry because of whom you love.
- Government organizations that discriminate because of whom you love.
- Rejections, overt and covert, by a society that tries to tell us we are “less.”
- Loss of friends and family who just don’t “get it” when we try to explain it.
- Missing a job opportunity or promotion because of who one is, as it relates to the opposite sex and general behavior expectations.
- Being refused a lease or mortgage because of our sexual identification and/or orientation.
- Looking or behaving differently than the expectations for the gender with which you were born.
- Looks, comments, whispers, smirks, etc. when others first meet you.
I know that one person’s journey cannot be compared to another, as each takes on thousands of unique twists and turns. I have not even tried to look at the above instances in relation to race, ethnicity, religious beliefs, immigration status, socioeconomic position, etc.
What I do know is that as a cisgender, white, older, gay man — previously without many friends who were not part of the same circumstances as mine and/or without my knowledge of “other” ways of looking at life — I have grown to understand, to accept, and not to judge those who are different than I am in their sexual identity, gender preferences, and more.
In return, hopefully others will not look at me and misunderstand, refuse to understand, and make unfounded judgements about me. We are all in this together and by supporting each other, by learning about what others “live with and/or experience” we can be better people and create a better place for all of us to live, thrive, and love.
The initials GLBTQ? reflect a long, successful journey. Once we were “Homosexual.” During the 1960s and, more visibly, with Stonewall, we began being “Gay.” Then it got to being “Gay” and “Lesbian.” Slowly, “Bisexual” was included. (L — G—B).
Over time transvestites and transsexuals came under the word “Transgender” and “T” was added. The “T” is becoming a lot more visible today. For example, a number of battles dealing with the issue of “Which bathroom does one use?” has brought more attention to these issues, especially with younger people still in school.
“Q” seems to identify two groups. One is buying back the word “Queer,” not as an insult, but used with confidence and self-love and remembering the resolution of the rainbow flag that we will never go back into the closet again.
The other is “Questioning,” sometimes just a “?”, which refers to the need of people, whether young or old, who must figure out who they are, who they want to be, and how they want to express themselves, their gender, and their sexuality. Being open to possibilities that enable one to question fixed societal beliefs is necessary. (LGBTQ)
Some are now including “I” for “Intersex.” Some add “A” for “A-Sexual” (LGBTQ?IA). Some also add P for “Polyamorous.” And what about “Gender Fluid”? In some cases, people also use GNC, or “Gender-Nonconforming” or NB, “Nonbinary.”
At many community events and meetings, or online, it is now a common practice to ask people to state their “PGPs,” or “Preferred Gender Pronouns.” I am not sure how I feel about this, as it seems to force a “coming out” for which a person may not be ready!
Some say that we should not have to categorize or label any of us, gay or straight, and that is part of the problem we face. Ellen DeGeneres, who usually avoids discussing political issues on her TV show, questioned why we still needed to address marriage between two men or two women as “gay marriage.” We do not need to describe “straight marriage.” Love is love; marriage is marriage.
The reality of labels is that it facilitates the understanding of how we perceive and live our lives and the many variables which confront us every day.
For example, in the beginning I had trouble referring to my life partner Gregory as “my husband.” Based on my early coming out, and societal norms of the day, if he was my “husband” that must mean I was the “wife.” And that was not true.
With the passage of time, and laws, and common usage, it now feels OK to me to talk about two husbands, or two wives, two mommies or daddies. I have been able to leave the old thinking behind.
I believe that through flexible, open labeling, we are able to gain a larger understanding of who we are, and that we will also be better able to accept that “we are all one” deserving the respect and privileges of being human. Should we buy into stereotypes? No, but understanding our life through categorizing and labeling is how we make sense out of complicated issues.
Being part of a label shows, in my opinion, inclusion rather than looking the other way and pretending non-existence. So, for now, until it is no longer necessary to fight for our rights, I am pleased to be part of the LGBTQ? community and look forward to the addition of other letters to demonstrate the importance of growing with and understanding the members of our community. I also pledge to be more understanding, willing to listen non-judgmentally to other’s stories, and to be a more compassionate human being.
After a 30-year teaching career, Michael Horvich has been retired for +25 years but has been more than active as an educator, writer, poet, photographer, blogger, artist, jeweler, book binder, lecturer, actor, supernumerary, museum curator, LGBTQ advocate, and dementia/Alzheimer’s caregiver partner for his life partner Gregory Maire ( RIP. ) Visit WWW.HORVICH.COM .
