ESSAY | MONTHLY THEME | PROMPTLY WRITTEN
Grieving With A Grateful Heart
Gratitude Journal — Day 15
In the last two years, I have reconnected with a lot of my family — my sister, some cousins, and nieces and nephews. As I’ve mentioned before in other pieces here on Medium, I’ve been mostly distant toward my family for decades. I was the black sheep in many ways. Rarely fitting in or feeling the love from them. But times have changed and I’ve amassed a good deal of strength through therapy and living a mindful life. I give them all love now without the expectation of having it returned. Surprisingly enough, they do return it.
So my heart is heavy these days with gratitude and grief. I just found out that my nephew and his wife just suffered a miscarriage. They’d lost one daughter about six months ago who only lived two days after birth and now they’ve lost this one too. One of my cousins just passed away from stage IV colon cancer that had metastasized into her liver. Her sister, who had been taking care of her, had a stroke and is now in ICU. And another cousin is on hospice care after suffering from cancer for over a year. We don’t look for him to last much longer either.
It was tragic when in my forties I began losing all of my aunts and uncles. Now I am losing a good deal of my cousins. I know and understand the impermanence of life and my own belief system gives me comfort that death is not the end of life, it is just another form of it, another cycle. And I am grateful to have this knowledge and understanding. I just wish so many of my loved ones weren’t being taken from this world through cancer, but I am grateful for the time I’ve been given with them in my life again.
My sister is a Christian and staunchly religious. So when I speak with her, I meet her on her terms. We talked about all of our loved ones passing away and I said to her, “God is calling his angels home.” In a way, I do mean that, even though I am not Christian and I don’t believe as my sister does. Still, I have a connection to the Source and I do believe in angels. And I know that we return to the Source upon death. My words seemed to have comforted her some and I am grateful that I could help ease her burdens a bit. She has a lot on her these days with taking care of one of her grandchildren and dealing with cancer too. Thankfully, she is the strong one and can handle most of what comes her way. And she gives me the strength to carry on as well. I am eternally grateful that she and I reconnected.
©2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
This is in response to the November Monthly Theme prompt — Keep a 30-day Gratitude journal. I am aiming to commit to this. Wish me luck!
I’ve amassed a nice size list of work that leaves me in awe. I used to write appreciation lists, but I no longer have the time. I still keep the list though and it continues to grow. Check it out and maybe you will find a few awe-inspiring stories you’d like to keep too!
Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction, and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. She is the Owner/Editor of Promptly Written and Not For Bedtime Stories. Check out her personal Medium blog here.
