My Sobriety Adventure: Day 1
featuring a gift from the New Moon
New Moon: March 21st, 2023 11:23 am
My sobriety: March 21st, 2023 7:30 am
I didn’t plan to start my sobriety adventure on the day of the new moon, of beautiful darkness and exploration, but here I am, syncing with nature as if I was born under the starry sky itself.
I don’t fully understand how alcohol has managed to sink its talons into my skin so viciously. I’m unpacking some of this with my therapist, but the naked truth is that it’s my attempt to feel happy. To escape from whatever difficult emotion is trapped in my body.
During the holiday season of 2022, I stopped drinking completely, staying sober for 29 days and realizing the calm kind of joy that comes with being alcohol-free. I read books and watched new films and slept like a damn baby. I thought I might lose weight, but instead, I gained a little as I actually started eating meals again.
Then I got smacked in the head with some depression and, after three days of crippling tension, I gave in. I bought a bottle of my favorite chardonnay and cried and drank and said, “This is just for one night.”
Hilarious.
For me, white wine is that annoying friend who won’t leave once you let them into your apartment. What I intend to be a brief visit ends up with them moving in and taking over my space completely. Sure, we have some good times, but they get in the way of my creativity, healthy friendships, and joy. And the mornings suck.
I woke up yesterday morning not even realizing my lunar coincidence. That the new moon was giving me the space to pause, reflect and explore what has been unseen.
I don’t want to drink anymore.
I shared my intent with my therapist and we put a plan in place to support me and sidetrack shame.
Instead of my end-of-day glass of wine, I scooted out of the house and took a little walk around the park. Breathing in the early tendrils of spring, of my community and my charming city. I came back to cook myself a rewarding steak dinner all the while thinking to myself, “Look at me! I can do this!”
Then came an unexpected call from my heartbroken daughter. Listening to her sob for 30 minutes triggered an anxiety I don’t usually have to deal with.
“I don’t know what to do!”
I longed for a crisp, cold glass of wine in my hand. To swallow down our pain, her grief, and my feelings of inadequacy. I grabbed a sparkling water and one, or three, cigarettes. My apartment filled with smoke from a burning pan while I sat outside and helped her breathe, “In… hold… out…”
I went to bed sober. I woke up sober. The new moon has given me the strength to inhale, hold, and exhale. I am full of passion and creativity and stubbornness and I’m excited about my adventure.
This is my response to the new moon bonus prompt for Promptly Written. Thank you Ravyne Hawke for another set of amazing challenges!
