ESSAY | MONTHLY THEME | PROMPTLY WRITTEN
Patiently Waiting
Gratitude Journal — Day 4
The past couple of weeks have been testing my patience to the point of near-exhaustion. Between my health issues and upcoming tests and my spouse's mental health issues, I feel as though I am drowning. I am not used to being the strong one. And yet, here I am trying to hold everything together. Surprisingly, I am doing mostly okay.
I am grateful that I’ve only shown a few cracks in my patience wall. I am grateful that Maddy and I are attempting to have civil, well-meaning exchanges even if both of us get a bit frustrated. I am grateful that despite all the setbacks and pitfalls over the past weeks that I have not fallen into old patterns. And I am eternally grateful that I have the tools necessary to keep myself calm so that I can help Maddy.
Maddy wants to be more zen-like. S/he wants to be mindful. And for the most part, s/he is doing a good job. S/he is still resistant though to letting things go. For a long time — well for the twenty years I have known Maddy — s/he has lived in what I deem “Maddy’s World” and everyone should do/act as Maddy does. This is part of the narcissistic traits that s/he has. And if someone does other than what Maddy feels they should be doing, s/he gets upset and frustrated.
I have been patiently waiting for Maddy to understand that we are all individuals with our own needs, wants, and desires. That not everyone is going to fit into “Maddy’s World” and s/he needs to allow others to be who/what they are without getting upset or frustrated. S/he has a long road to tread to come to that place of understanding. But s/he is at least trying now. And I too am trying to bridge this ordeal with Maddy from a loving, caring, and compassionate place.
As I said, I am not used to being the strong one. Not used to being the calm one. Not used to being Maddy’s rock when s/he has been mine for so many years. So I am grateful for each tiny moment that my patience holds firm without crumbling, and I can hold my head above the waves and not drown. Because right now, Maddy needs to know s/he is not alone and that this madness will pass. With patience.
©2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
This is in response to the November Monthly Theme prompt — Keep a 30-day Gratitude journal. I am aiming to commit to this. Wish me luck!
Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction, and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. She is the Owner/Editor of Promptly Written and Not For Bedtime Stories. Check out her personal Medium blog here.
