ESSAY | MONTHLY THEME | PROMPTLY WRITTEN
Surrendering With a Grateful Heart
Gratitude Journal — Day 23
When Maddy and I married back in 2001, we’d only known one another for six months, but it was a bit worse than that. We’d actually only been in one another’s presence for about thirty days. Maddy was a long-haul truck driver and only home for two days every two weeks. So although we spoke on the phone and via email almost every day, we only spent short amounts of time in one another’s presence. We didn’t really know one another that well.
Maddy knew that I had some mental health issues, as well as some physical health issues. I don’t think s/he knew the full extent of them though. Just like I knew Maddy was self-medicating with alcohol, but I didn’t know the full extent of Maddy’s mental health issues either. If asked, s/he would have denied any mental health issues.
Really getting to know one another took all of our twenty years together, four separations, and a lot of communication, most of that in the past three years. Maddy finally grasped why I suffered so much mentally and physically. And we both discovered why s/he had self-medicated for so long — Maddy was born in the wrong body and it caused all kinds of mental anguish because of the strict Christian family s/he was raised in.
Finally, with all of our secrets out in the open, we’ve been able to not only share a close loving bond together, we now have deep mutual respect for one another. We rarely fight now and we go out of our way to ensure one another’s happiness.
Now that Maddy is over the recent mental health crisis s/he recently suffered, s/he is back to being my rock and just in time too. My health is declining rapidly and some days I struggle just to get out of bed. Whenever I am suffering a migraine, Maddy gets out the tuning forks and begins therapy on me. When I am suffering from fatigue and my limbs don’t seem to carry my weight, s/he does all heavy lifting — the grocery shopping, putting items away, and even doing the dishes most days. I still force myself to do a lot of things I probably shouldn’t be doing because I don’t want to feel like an invalid just yet. I know a day may come when I cannot do much of anything for myself. And I know Maddy will be there to do what s/he can for me.
In the years prior to meeting and marrying Maddy, I’d always taken care of myself. I rarely asked anyone for help. Instead, I worked two, sometimes three jobs just to make ends meet. I put myself through college, again sometimes working several jobs. I mostly maintained my own apartments, paid my own bills, and dealt with my mental and physical health as best I could on my own. It isn’t easy for such an independent person to accept help. Surrendering my independence has been difficult, but that’s slowly what I’ve had to do over the last twenty years as both my mental and physical health began to decline more and more. While I am stronger mentally now, my physical health has worsened. Yet, I know Maddy is here for me.
So to say that I am grateful for my glorious spouse doesn’t do the feelings I have justice. I’ve surrendered nearly all of my independence and put all of my trust in Maddy. What energy I do have, I pour out to Maddy daily — love, healing energy, peace, and stillness — because I know without Maddy’s good health, mentally and physically, I would be completely lost in this world.
©2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
This is in response to the November Monthly Theme prompt — Keep a 30-day Gratitude journal. I am aiming to commit to this. Wish me luck!
I’ve amassed a nice size list of work that leaves me in awe. I used to write appreciation lists, but I no longer have the time. I still keep the list though and it continues to grow. Check it out and maybe you will find a few awe-inspiring stories you’d like to keep too!
Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction, and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. She is the Owner/Editor of Promptly Written and Not For Bedtime Stories. Check out her personal Medium blog here.
