Toxic Behaviors To Avoid When In A Long-Distance Relationship
Knowing what not to do could just be as important as knowing what to do
When a long-distance relationship crumbles into pieces, it’s easy for one to say ‘It was bound to happen. They’re just too far from each other.’ Judgment can come quickly. Naysayers will be present here and there.
I remember telling my partner, a few weeks into being friends, that I will never ever get into an LDR. It just doesn’t make sense to be with someone that you can’t even be with! But we’ve stuck it through.
In my recent article, I talked about how we can make our relationships better with simple actions that we can do on a daily basis.
This is about doing the opposite.
All we can do, as part of an LDR, being the puny humans that we are, is to love as much as we can and be good at delivering it so the receiver of this love gets it all.
The next few points are things we shouldn’t do and hope to share with people who are in the same boat. Avoid these as much as you can.
Getting too close to temptation a bit too often
Austin Kleon, in his book Steal Like An Artist, said this of influence:
You are a mashup of what you choose to let into your life. You are the sum of your influences.
If you spend time with people who love to party, get wasted and let their life go down the drain every Saturday and/or Sunday night, you can expect the same thing in your life.
Nothing wrong with clubs and bars, I used to be there a lot. It is, however, a breeding ground for all-night partying (of course) that includes ogling good-looking men and women dressed up in clothes, looking to get laid. Not all of them, but most of them.
This poses a danger to your LDR because you are only one tiny waist hug away from not telling what really happened at the club to the person you love.
Being unresponsive
Want to gain more and more trust? Communicate. A lot.
Stephen Covey, writer of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says that communication builds high trust relationships. Low trust relationships result in conflict.
Constant or regular, to some, hourly communication is critical.
This doesn’t mean you tell every single detail of every single thing you’re up to. It’s not that. But give your partner an idea of what’s going on. Trust me, your partner will appreciate it and likely to do the same.
This is not being manipulative, this is called mirroring.
There will be times when you just can’t respond or send a text. That’s fine. Figure out the communication pattern and method that works.
Ghosting or vanishing for no known reason
A girl in an LDR requested an answer to her question on Quora:
My boyfriend won’t be able to communicate with me for a month because my mom is cutting off the internet. What should I do?
This is the biggest piece of BS excuse ever. My answer? The guy is not into this relationship and he wants the easiest way out.
I was ghosted once before and it drove me nuts. The guy was supposed to visit me and was in the process of fixing his visas…and then boom, he was gone. You know that feeling of waking up at 2:30 in the morning, unsure about which date, time and year you’re in? That was how it felt like. I couldn’t understand.
Be kind and respectful enough to break up, talk, and leave the relationship (easier said than done) instead of quickly leaving without a trace.
Not having individual pursuits
Attachment to any relationship is a killer. It steals the joy in loving one another. It hurts people, it breaks them and sometimes even cause trauma.
Writer Kate Rose, in her article about being unattached in relationships, say this:
Unattachment simply means that we are choosing to love in a mindful way. We are showing up for one another when we can.
You don’t own this relationship and the relationship does not own you. Give each other space to do your own things.
I’m not talking about space for you to wiggle and adjust your legs. I’m talking about the space where you can stand upright and tall, walk and run. Maybe you will fail, maybe you will succeed. Let it happen.
This is not you being a rebel or trying to prove yourself. This is you walking this earth being your truest self.
Being boring
This is not as toxic as the others, but definitely something you have to avoid. This is not attractive, sexy, nor interesting.
With your partner being away, in a different city, it’s easy to find someone new. That’s the truth. Even couples living in one home have their own stories of affairs.
Have a genuine interest or passion, one that’s not part of work, that you can easily spend time on without caring for the time that has passed.
Not only will this take your mind away from your relationship and your partner, but it also makes your world bigger and much more meaningful.
Being dishonest
Because you live far away from each other, you might think that it’s easier to cheat. This might be true, but only if you can stomach it and telling lies is normal.
Sam Harris, in the book Lying, tells this about being honest.
Honesty is a gift we can give to others. It is also a source of power and an engine of simplicity. Knowing that we will attempt to tell the truth, whatever the circumstances, leaves us with little to prepare for. We can simply be ourselves.
Sometimes, what we need to be is brutally honest about how we feel, how we think about certain behaviors, observations, and what we can do to improve. It’s uncomfortable to say these now, but you’ll be grateful for opening up about these in the future.
Jerzy Gregorek, a Polish man who went from being an alcoholic to winning four World Weightlifting Championships, said this about doing difficult things now instead of waiting for later:
Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life.
Being unclear
Clarity of thought and speech is not present in all of us. That’s why we have to train ourselves to be clear most of the time.
I took a short online course on writing a few months back. One of the instructions was to close my eyes for a few minutes and make my senses work.
I had to describe the smell of the cafe, the arrangement of the chairs and tables, write about what I hear people are chatting about. Jotting down a clear description of the room I’m in can give my readers more images of how the cafe looks and feels like.
The same goes for an LDR that relies on calls and text messaging.
Put a little more effort into communicating that you are feeling great, celebratory and joyful. When you are hurt or in pain, try and describe how it feels.
Think of this as your preparation or practice time for how you want your communication patterns should look like when you finally get together.
Being in a long-distance relationship is challenging and exciting at the same time. Though you are far away, genuine love, respect, and trust can grow regardless of the distance.
You are both working towards the same goal and you learn, day by day, about each others’ quirks and patterns, while at it.
Appreciate what you have now even though it’s not ideal. One day, you’ll look back to the days where you were living apart and recount all the lessons you’ve learned — what to do, what not to do— and keep growing from there.
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