Small Talks and Hidden Killers
There’s an incredibly interesting documentary series called “The Hidden Killers” which I re-watch once in a while. It’s not that I’m fascinated by the things that killed or debilitated people in their homes, unbeknownst to them. Things that no one could even fathom to be dangerous or harmful or deadly back in those times. I take the stories from “The Hidden Killers” as a vivid reminder that some objects, habits or routines, which we regard as perfectly normal, might eventually end up… if not killing then inflicting a major harm on us in some hidden way. The series creator — whose looks do not explicitly suggest that she might be on into horror, terror, and negativity :) — makes a point that while it took time for people to realize what those hidden killers are, we now enjoy a life which is largely safe from those hidden killers of the past.
By the same token, what I’m looking to accomplish as I drag the “hidden killers” of a healthy organizational culture out into broad daylight is in no way related to fascination with negativity. I simply believe that things underspoken are more likely to be inflated to an enormous bubble and eventually burst when one least expects it. That’s why I keep digging for the “hidden organizational killers”. And today, in line with my previous posts on non-judgmental communication and “assuming dumbness”, I’d like to share some ideas that might be of help for team interactions.
How does it come to emotional outbursts, in general? This is about the accumulated tension, and for how long we are able to bear it. When we routinely shove all kinds of misunderstandings under the rug, we pour more and more gas on the combustible flow of unresolved issues, concerns, and hidden tensions. It appears that the inlets of smaller tensions strengthen the cumulative power of the negative flow, making it so charged that it eventually breaks the dams of self-control.
This sketch looks simple, and —(no) surprise — it’s mostly simple things that lead to massive debris and, on a brighter side, to massive clean-ups. The accumulated misunderstandings might grow particularly big if for one reason or another teams mostly interact online. A growing body of research proves that communication on the web makes people feel more alienated and less connected. But we live in the world where we have to communicate online, especially in remote/distributed teams. The general recommendation here would be to talk in person wherever possible, with video — as well as human warmth and empathy :) — turned on. Personal conversations, one-on-ones, especially in a non-formal setting, are surprisingly helpful in dismissing the emotional overcharges. It’s for that reason that stakeholders arrange for lounge spaces in their offices, where people can informally sit and discuss whatever needs to be discussed.
Our good old small talk does not look dangerous at all, but it might well add to the unreleased tensions, as shown on the sketch above. A small talk between people who know each other well might indicate that they are reluctant, unwilling, or fearful to discuss certain issues. The very thought of an impending conflict or tension is uncomfortable, and as they put off the release-and-clean-up moment, the tension builds and builds. The lightweight small talk, in this case, would not be a connector between human beings, but rather a disconnector.
Here’s the visual which depicts a safer and lighter way to discharge the flow of emotional tensions:
If an issue can’t wait any longer and begs for a discussion, we’d be better off if we find it in ourselves to push through the fears, reluctance and expectations of discomfort. Succumbing to fears brings nothing else than even more fear, frustration, and emotional tension. As FDR said: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”. We’re culturally wired to be polite and well-behaved, and that’s why we often tend to dodge uncomfortable conversations. However, it does look that in most cases talking straight to the matter, respectfully, would be a wiser use of time and a better remedy to cope with the lack of communication than keeping it all inside.
This story is based on an earlier article.
