From Daddy to Dutch: Celebrating the Men Who Shaped Me
A Father’s Day Reflection on the Men Who Changed My Life for the Better
My daughter, my nephew, and his husband were sitting on our screen porch one day recently, enjoying some libations and good conversation. Out of the blue, my daughter asked me an intriguing question: How had I become so liberal while living in the South with a family of Christian conservatives? Everyone was eager to hear my response. This question got me thinking about the men who had shaped my life and how I had become the person I am today. It was an honor and a privilege for me to be able to share this story with them. Thus, it seemed only fitting that on this Father’s Day, I pay tribute to some of the most influential men in my life who helped shape me into who I am today.
My Father’s Lasting Legacy
In my last blog, I discussed my father, a career Army man — a true man of honor. His service in the US Army gave me a unique opportunity to experience and appreciate other cultures first-hand. While living in Okinawa, I had the chance to make friends with two Okinawan girls. At the time, I knew just one word in their language — skosh. Nonetheless, we bonded through stories and laughter, creating lasting memories that remain with me today.
Yes, my father taught me respect for diversity and cultural humility. He also instilled in me an unwavering patriotism. One thing my dad taught me, which stuck with me, is that you ALWAYS stand up and put your hand over your heart when the American flag passes. The media has made some people believe that liberal Americans are unpatriotic. Yet, for me, this could not be further from the truth. It is my father’s service to this country that makes me so passionate about defending it.
I always felt like I could never get really close to my dad, but in retrospect, I am beginning to understand why. As a young man, he experienced great tragedy and loss. My father, born in 1907, was the baby of several siblings. He was given the name William Iverson Ventress, and for the first five years of his life or so, things were as to be expected. But, the family hit hard times when his father died, and little William was placed in an orphanage. He was eventually adopted by the Rogers family, who changed his name to Charles Iverson Rogers. At some point, he was abandoned. I don’t even know the whole story. He never talked about it, just like he never talked about his time in the Korean War, just like he never talked about how time in WWII.
Although he never discussed it, I now know that my dad’s experience with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was a significant factor in his life. Fortunately, today there are treatments for PTSD, which is something I am very thankful for. Now that I understand PTSD, I understand more about my father and his experience of the world. It only took 73 years. I thank my daddy, and I am sorry that we (and America) didn’t get it. My granddaughter Ivey Ventress proudly carries his name, and I know he is proud.
Seeds of Kindness: Levy and the Mule
In addition to my father, another man significantly impacted me growing up: Levy, an older Black man my mother hired to till the rows of our garden. Levy used a mule to pull the plow, and I thought that mule was so cool (despite him having awful gas!). I always looked forward to Levy’s visits, as he was always so kind and made me feel special. After a few years, my dad bought a tractor, and we stopped calling on Levy.
One day, after Levy stopped coming to our house, I discovered that some roughhouse teens had killed his mule. This news hurt me deeply, and I often think of Levy and his mule with tears in my eyes. He had such a positive effect on me as a young child; he was so unassuming but always had something uplifting to say. It’s one of those relationships you don’t appreciate until much later in life. I wish I could tell him how much he still means to me. Levy will always hold a special place in my heart.
An Unexpected Mentor: Dutch and His Gingerbread
Along with my father and Levy, I cannot forget another man who significantly impacted me. I met Dutch through my uncle, who worked at the jail in my hometown. Dutch was a Black man who regularly visited the jail due to his struggles with alcohol. My uncle, a white man, was also an alcoholic but was on the other side of the bars as a jailer.
Whenever Dutch arrived, I could barely contain my excitement. He had a unique way with food and could make delicious gingerbread without even using a recipe! Mama used to cook in the jail too, and she just loved working with him. His cooking skills were especially evident when it came time to barbecue; Dutch could cook an entire pig by himself!
Everyone else in the jail may have ignored Dutch, but I couldn’t. We had many meaningful conversations, and our relationship lasted well into my adulthood. When Dutch suffered a heart attack, I rushed to the hospital, embraced him in a big bear hug, and cried like a baby. His roommate looked at us with pronounced judgment, but he had no idea what Dutch meant to me. He still means the world to me even though he is gone, and I will never forget him or his gingerbread. He will remain in my heart always.
A World of Love and Support
This Father’s Day, I’m incredibly thankful for the many men who have shaped and supported me. While this post focused on my dad, Levy, and Dutch, many others deserve recognition. My son Galen is a wonderful father; my husband Roger is fiercely loyal; my son-in-law Schieloh is wise beyond his years; and my nephew Trent and his husband Will are a source of love and joy. I am so blessed to have these men in my life and all the others that deserve their own stories. This Father’s Day, I honor them all.
When we talk about the men in our lives, we must remember that life is not always easy for everyone. For some of us, it can be a complex and painful journey. But if we take the time to learn about each other’s stories and listen to one another with understanding and compassion, we can build a world of connection and love. Thank you for allowing me to share my heartfelt feelings and love for these men who loved me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. Happy Father’s Day!