If You Can’t Be Alone, You’ll Never Taste True Freedom
This is especially crucial for Christians so they can build their relationship with themselves and Christ
If you do not learn to be comfortable in your aloneness, you will never taste true freedom.
As long as you are dependent on someone else for validation, you will always be a slave.
When you fear rejection or abandonment, you are not free and it will cause you to be easily manipulated.
I used to fear being alone, so I would not stand up to people.
It was a horrible way to live. I never dared ask for anything in a relationship. Sometimes, it was okay as I liked doing some of the things others wanted to do.
But, there were many times when I would have wanted or liked more from my relationships, but I didn’t get it, because the people I used to be in a relationship with, didn’t care about my needs and wants.
Because of my fear of abandonment, I tolerated unpleasant relationships.
Is it any wonder I got depressed?
Being kind can be hard because it makes you a magnet for selfish people. I was taught to be kind. My mother said I should be kind to others, so I just did what I was told.
But, she failed to warn me how horrible people could be.
I also knew Jesus told us to be good to others, so I just kept doing it — till one day, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’d had enough.
I said that’s it. I’m not living like this anymore so I started to fight back.
Step by step, I learned to stand up for myself when others took advantage of me. I learned to distance myself from them when I knew I would always be the one doing the giving in the relationship.
Some relationships fizzled out naturally as I got stronger.
I became wise to their tricks and so they moved on to new targets.
But, the hardcore manipulators were not going to give up on me that quickly.
They would up their game by sweet talking me, buying more gifts, and — wait for it… asking me what my preference was.
This one was hard for me to take, I must admit. One day, (I won’t name names) this manipulator in my life, knew that they had almost lost me.
We were driving to the park for a walk. I didn’t want to go, but I was still trying to have some sort of relationship with them at this point.
After our walk, they wanted to go for coffee. In the past, they would name the place and I’d just say yes to keep them happy. If I made a suggestion, it could send them into a rage.
But, this time was different, they asked me where I wanted to go. I said my preferred place and without any disagreement or anger, this person turned the car around.
I never saw anyone turn a car around so fast in my life!! (and to please me).
I was astonished.
This only confirmed to me that I was indeed, and had been, an excellent narcissistic supply to this person, and losing it would be difficult for them.
Narcissists work really hard to keep all their relationships afloat for they need a lot of supply to fill the void within them.
They are empty, and sadly, due to their deep brokenness, they refuse to ever sit with that emptiness. They can’t. For, to them, it would mean death.
Their core self is almost nonexistent. They live in a fabricated self, a false self.
It’s not real. It’s completely fake. They don’t have a true self, they gave it up a very long time ago.
Aloneness
The Holy Spirit has taken me on a long journey to free me from the control of others. I had no idea what darkness I was caught up in, but because God loves me so much and wanted to set me free, he led me on a journey of self-discovery.
Part of this growth journey involved a long lonely path of building trust in myself and God. I had to walk alone.
At first, I didn’t want to but eventually, I grew to like it.
I learned new things, met new people, and got to know myself better. I formed good attachments and let go of unhealthy ones.
There was a lot of weeding to do in the garden of my soul, not to mention, my mind. I had been programmed to be good and kind, but I had not been taught how to use that gift.
No one had taught me that it was okay to say no. And it was okay to feel angry and to express that anger in a healthy way.
Finally, I learned how to feel my emotions, and to communicate them to God first and to others later, if necessary.
Some people are not worth my anger.
When I was angry with the people in my life, it meant I cared, but when I stopped getting angry, it was because they had shown their character to me enough times that I no longer cared.
When you are angry, it means you still want the relationship.
So, with people like that, I love them from a distance and pray for them.
If I had not developed the ability to be content being alone, I would have had to remain in those hurtful relationships.
Today, when someone calls me their “friend” and after spending time with them they start to treat me with disrespect, I turn to the Holy Spirit and say, I am so glad you showed me how to be alone and content. Then, I can tell the person how I feel and if they don’t change, then I am free to part ways.
I don’t need them.
Did I disobey Jesus by saying no to others? No, I didn’t. We are called to be good to others and turn the other cheek, but it doesn’t mean we are not allowed to set boundaries with those people after they show us their wicked character.
We are not to return evil for evil, but we have a right to set boundaries. The boundaries we set need to be appropriate to the situation. For some, it may mean, saying no to a work colleague, to another, it may mean, visiting a relative less often, or it could be a bigger boundary such as severing the ties completely.
Of course, if it is a marriage, it would be more complicated and need professional and legal intervention and the support of your pastor or priest.
Final thought —
Build up your ability to be alone so you will be free to choose the kind of relationships that support you in your life.
People who are kind by nature and have been taught by God to do good, need to develop inner strength so they can stand up to others, while at the same time, being free to remain kind and loving.
This is true freedom.
