Befriending Fear, Worries, and Concerns
Fear is a powerful force, but in befriending our fears, worries, and concerns through curiosity we return to our most resourced selves.
This article is the third of a three-part series (see part one: “Who’s Driving the Bus? and part two: Find the Path Forward — Head Toward the “Who” Not the “What.” ). The series, entitled Active Reorientation — Befriending Fear, Discerning What Matters, and Bringing Agency in Times of Uncertainty is intended to support and help us navigate our experiences in times of chaos, upheaval, and uncertainty.
Fear is a powerful force.
In the presence of fear, the common experience includes an impending and imminent threat to something vital to us and the dread that any effort to do something about it is likely to be too little to make a difference.
In the grip of fear, our survival is what matters as our drive to survive kicks in and takes over. What we might otherwise care about is no longer accessible, and we are on our heels and trying to keep bad things from happening, disconnected from our artistry and vitality.
However, by engaging fears, worries, and concerns directly, we can reconnect with what matters, bring our creative and resourced selves back into life and act in alignment with what we’d love to bring forth.
As we consider fear, we will consider some of fear’s neighbors along an imaginary continuum. On the spectrum that holds fear at one extreme, we encounter “worries” and “concerns” as we head toward the more mild part of the spectrum.
These other relatives have some of the same qualities as Fear but not as extreme. In all three situations, we experience the threat to something that matters, and we have concerns about our ability to alter the impending danger.
Because of the experience above, Fears, Worries, and Concerns provide a benefit — they alert us to danger and can activate reactions and survival strategies that help to avoid terrible things from happening to ourselves or to something or loved ones that matter. And for this we are grateful!
“Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.” — German Proverb
But sometimes — in the sense of something bad to happen, rather than something bad actually happening — our felt sense of Fears, Worries, and Concerns leads us to behave and make choices in ways that are suboptimal because we have come under the influence of Fear itself (I’ll refer to fears, worries, and concerns as all part of a continuum of Fear).
We will act with the anxiety that often comes with Fear and behave as if the threat we’re sensing is quite real, and the notion that our options for actions will be inadequate to make a difference is a fact. Our “believing” in the Fear is a setup and we fall into the trap.
When we experience Fears, Worries, and Concerns, we can do something that is not necessarily normal. We can lean in and befriend the fear.
Befriending is to turn toward the fear with curiosity. Get curious about what is being felt and experienced.
We can explore and mine the fear from curiosity to find what actually matters in these moments. We can examine the discomfort of Fear and discover what we care about — and then take action. When we lean in and learn what Fear has to teach us, we can then, beyond Fear, take action aligned with what matters.
In Fear, we see that there are three important ingredients for our practical purposes.
First, there’s something that matters to us. Something that is valuable that we hold dear.
Secondly, that which matters is at risk of something bad happening to it. It’s as if that which matters has a target on its back, and already, something terrible is rushing towards that bullseye.
And third, in Fear, that which we care about is at risk of danger, and it is beyond our agency to do something. It’s beyond our ability to act. In Fear, it’s beyond our control to change an impending disaster.
Fear = Something That Matters + at Risk + Beyond the Ability To Do Anything About It
For Worries and Concerns, the same equation applies, but it may not be as extreme. For example, a worry or concern may be that something I care about may be at risk and I have doubts or questions about my ability to do something. The same three variables, just different degrees or magnitudes present.
If we use this equation, we can lean into fear and discover new and better choices for action, because we’ll act in accordance with what we actually care about.
Rather than reacting and trying to minimize loss, there are new options that can bring forth more of what we’d like.
If we befriend Fear, we can lean in and identify that which matters to us in the face of Fear. This is the beginning of new choices. Our next move after we’ve identified what matters is to bring our full, well-resourced self to what matters beyond the fear experience. We reconnect our full sense of agency to that which matters, beyond but informed by fear, and we can then see and act on new choices.
Here’s an example:
A partner in a venture firm is having a conversation with other partners to decide whether an investment in a particular company should take place. This partner has come to know the candidate company and its leadership quite well and is prepared to speak favorably and to advocate for investing, and speaks up to name several compelling reasons to invest. But as the conversation moves toward a deciding vote, this partner retreats sensing that others are not tracking the significance he sees in the company. The vote takes place and a decision to not invest is made.
After the decision, the investor reflects on the experience and realizes he had been under the influence of Fear, a debilitating worry or concern in this case, which took him out of the conversation and kept him from saying some very important information that may have shifted the conversation and the outcome. He realized that during the conversation he experienced a sense of dread that others weren’t seeing what he saw to be valuable and were either discounting his perspective or not taking him or his points seriously. He stopped advocating for the business and disconnected from the conversation.
After the event and working with a coach, he explored the fear/worry he was experiencing and was able to mine it to find two valuable insights. First, he realized that what mattered most to him in that conversation was that the other partners clearly understand and see the significance of some perspective that he had about the company, but that never came out in the conversation. The second was that while he felt he was being discounted, he wasn’t absolutely sure this had been the case. He had acted as if it were true, and this kept him from sharing the information and speaking up in a way he would have liked. It was the influence of Fear that had contributed to this outcome.
The coach then asked him to bring his attention back to what mattered to him and the valuable perspective that was shut down before it could be voiced. The coach then asked him to bring his full self, his agency, back to what mattered. He asked the partner to suspend the feelings of fear and worry and simply connect with what matters and invited the partner to share what he would say, right now, if he were back in that same investment meeting. What the partner expressed was clear, grounded, and exciting. It wasn’t just helpful information, it was a voice of confident and compelling perspective that shared compelling insight and was open for engagement with others. The Fear that had been there earlier was no longer present.
“It’s interesting to me that the opposite of fear is not bravery, but curiosity. When we know more, we fear less.” — Deborah Bowie
When working with fear, worry, and concerns that produce anxiety and influence our ability to engage, make decisions, and collaborate with others, the following steps can be followed that will lead to better choices than those available under the influence of fear:
1. Notice the presence of Fear — This can be the most challenging of these steps! Let yourself consider the full spectrum of Fear whether it’s something you’d recognize as fear itself, or its relatives “worries” or “concerns”. When we experience fear, we’re in it, and it can be very challenging to imagine that there may be options beyond the fear, worries, or concerns that we’re experiencing at the moment. If we can notice the fear, we may suspend the fear rather than fall under the influence or indulge in it.
2. Befriend and mine the Fear — Lean into the fear, worry, or concern with curiosity. Remember that the underlying intention of fear is to keep you safe and is a positive thing. Find what matters in this situation. It may or may not be directly threatened or at risk in the fear equation. Look beyond and behind the fear. Consider the following questions, and let the answers be what actually matters to you individually, rather than what “should” matter to you. Let your response be personal. Often, it’s helpful to take this step with a friend or coach who can listen and mirror back what appears to matter and help you further refine what seems right for you. Be as specific as you can with your response.
- What actually matters to me in this situation?
- What is at risk that I care about in this situation?
- What fears, worries or concerns do I have about this?
- If I weren’t worried, what would I be tending to in this situation?
- What feels important but seems that it’s out of my hands, beyond my control, or bigger than me to affect?
3. Take what matters to you out of the Fear situation — Once you’ve identified what matters to you, take it out of the Fear situation. To do this, simply bring your attention to what matters. Let this be the focus of your attention. Taking this step — bringing our attention to what matters — often reorients our relationship with Fear immediately. Go direct to what matters.
4. Bring your agency to what matters and act — With your attention now on what matters, bring your agency to act. One’s agency is the ability to act, manage, behave and express in ways aligned and fueled by one’s will. When we are in the presence of fear, our agency is often marginalized. It’s part of the setup with fear. By bringing our agency to what matters new choices and immediate action from a well-resourced self often emerge quickly, and the felt experience of fear, worry, or concern shifts — often dramatically.
Fear is a powerful force. But befriending fears, worries, and concerns through curiosity, we return to our resourced self, reconnect with what matters and agency, and discover and act on powerful choices.
