If Not For Heroin, I Would Have Died Drunk
How heroin forced me to quit drinking…
Look, even though I’m only 28 I was an unstable, fall-down, degenerate drunk for many years long before I ever snorted my first line of heroin. How I managed to even wake up in the morning, let alone obtain my bachelors degree is still a mystery to me. My talent for writing and help from my ex girlfriend, who happened to be in the same program, were the only things that saved my ass.
Thanks to alcohol — and ONLY alcohol — I have been handcuffed, landed in the funny farm, gotten into fights, taken a medical leave of absence from school (twice!)…and so…SO much more. Needless to say, I had a problem. Not just a slight problem; I had a MAJOR fucking problem with alcohol.
Alcohol definitely had its advantages over hard drugs. It was more socially acceptable, being blackout drunk was always a great cop-out for abhorrently bad behavior, and I had a lot of great times while drinking.
Seriously, what I consider to be the most perfect, beautiful day of my life involves a pretty girl in a sundress, a sunny sky, a baseball game…and an antique cooler filled to the brim with ice-cold beer. Just the thought of that memory, even if just for a second, is bringing a smile to my face as I write about it.
Yeah, there was a lot of shit that came with my (un)healthy drinking habits, but unlike with heroin alcohol never truly brought me to my knees like the dope did.
To be honest, if I had never tried heroin and remained a raging alcoholic, there is absolutely no way that I would be sober today. I still had a lot more fight left in me when it came to booze…heroin just sped up an inevitable process.
Heroin “Cured” My Alcoholism
The day I first tried heroin 5 years ago was the day I considered my drinking problem to be cured. This isn’t a joke. I was such a naive little jackass that I believed —and I could have passed a polygraph on this at that time — that my drinking problem was now obsolete.
The second I tried heroin, I put down the bottle, and it was wonderful…for awhile.
After snorting that first line of shit and feeling the full effects of what opiates do to the human body, I was instantly in love. I felt as though I was glowing, and I don’t mean that metaphorically. I was itchy, all my problems and anxieties were gone, and I remember standing by my apartment window in the sunlight and quite literally feeling as though my entire body was radiating mellow light of sheer ecstasy.
You see, heroin was cheaper (at that time.) I didn’t wake up feeling sick in the morning (at that time.) I was more productive and able to hide my state of extreme intoxication much more efficiently (at that time.)
I didn’t find myself in handcuffs, getting into fights, landing in the funny farm, or taking medical leaves of absence from (now graduate) school. All of those things were going to happen very soon, but when I first started using heroin I had finally discovered the solution that alcohol was never quite able to give me.
Alcohol Remained My First Love
Just like with an unhappy marriage, whenever things would start to get rocky with heroin I inevitably found myself back in bed with my former lover…booze.
Whether it was geography/my inability to quickly find dope in a new area, a severe consequence that would temporarily set me straight, or an overdose that put the fear of God in me…when things between heroin and I were no longer working alcohol remained my go-to. I mean, think about it. While heroin took at least a little bit of courting and effort to procure, booze was always there for me wherever I went.
Alcohol was the flashy mistress that I took out on the town and showed off to all of my friends. Heroin was my bitch of a wife that confined me to a one-man party in my apartment. I hated my marriage, yet I knew I would eventually have to go back home someday.
After a period of time, I would always return back to until she ruined my life once again. I would regroup with alcohol, and attempt that same shit over, and over, and over.
I Still Miss Alcohol
Whenever I’m having a typical bad day, or even a good day, and get a craving…it’s never for heroin. Unless I’ve relapsed and am already chasing that damn dragon, the only time I ever crave heroin is when something REALLY bad happens. It has to be so terrible that I am willing to immediately overlook all of the physical and mental turmoil that heroin once brought to my universe.
Alcohol, on the other hand, is another beast entirely.
21 Things That Make Me Crave Alcohol
- I’m having a bad day
- I’m having a good day
- I woke up this morning
- Sporting events (TV and Live)
- Dating
- Driving past bars
- Seeing bars on TV
- Thinking about bars
- Bars
- Good weather
- Bad weather
- Beer commercials
- Work
- AA Meetings (fucked up isn’t it?)
- Alcoholic war stories
- Bars
- Social Situations
- Binge watching television shows
- My friends
- My family
- Bars
I’m THANKFUL For Heroin
That’s right, you heard me correctly. I am so incredibly thankful that God threw a big goddamn boulder called heroin on my already twisted path, and allowed me to live through it. I’ve been to enough funerals to know that more often than not, death circumvents life in the heroin game.
Without heroin I would have never gotten sober. I’d still be drinking my life away somewhere, and if I managed to make it to 50 without blowing my brains out I’d likely find myself engulfed in a cocoon of crippling loneliness that not even the darkest corners of my imagination can even begin to conceptualize.
Heroin gave me my life back.
Dope granted me the luxury of getting sober young. It ended a battle that would’ve both taken decades, and likely ended with the bottle as the victor. Unlike non-addicts, who can go their entire lives as miserable human beings, addiction actually FORCES us to become better people. If we addicts don’t change, practice tolerance, and become the best versions of ourselves that we can be…we literally die. I’ve seen it happen.
The amount of both reverence and gratitude that I have for heroin is almost incomprehensible. It made me who I am. It made me better.
It was through both the ambiguous grace of God and relentless retribution of heroin that I am able to love again today. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I love you…it was drugs that made that possible.
