Why We Fly Off the Handle and What to Do About It

How to keep your cool when triggered.

Christine Green

Published in

Relational and Procedural Skills

13 min readAug 12, 2021

Do you know people whose feathers are easily ruffled? Family members or co-workers?

It’s human to get rattled, but blowing an emotional gasket is optional. We can learn to manage our reactions and there’s good reason to do so. When we learn how to take our reactions down a notch or two, we’ll gain respect from friends and colleagues.

Who comes to mind as you read this? Your boss? Your partner or spouse?
Or is it you? Do you struggle to keep your cool?

There are many terms for the skill of managing our reactions: emotional self-regulation, emotional intelligence (EQ includes more than managing emotions), composure, poise, even-temperedness, and more.

The one-word term is equanimity, which is defined as the ability to manage ourselves and keep our cool when interacting with others.

It’s Not Our Emotions That Need to Be Managed — It’s Our Behavior

Our feelings are never wrong, they are simply our emotions. What causes problems is the behavior that can result from strong emotions.

Aggressive behavior seems to cause the most problems for people at home and at work. Not to mention in bars or at a Little League baseball game.

What is aggressive behavior? I mentioned that it can be difficult for some to “keep their cool,” but a specific definition of aggressive behavior is when we react in a manner that lashes out at another person. There is a wide range — lashing out can be almost imperceptible or can be quite violent.

It’s important to understand that no matter the degree, it’s the same energy.

**Aggression is the behavior that is the most destructive to our relationships and ourselves.**

There’s the barely noticeable sigh or snort that might include eye-rolling.

Then there’s the more extreme like fist-pounding, yelling and screaming (verbal aggression), and the physical assault of pushing, shoving, slapping, and punching — physical violence. Assault with a weapon is the far extreme of behavioral aggression.

This piece is intended to help you gain an understanding of emotional responses on the agitation continuum.

We’ll examine the origins of hostility, and the skills we need to handle it.

Note: If you (or someone you know) need to manage a behavior that is not aggression, don’t worry — the process is the same. You’ll benefit from the same skills and habits.

Pro Tip: Some don’t think aggression is a problem for them because 95% of the time they are calm and pleasant. But all of us can benefit from honest self-reflection. Even if we only go ballistic every now and then, it’s a red flag telling us there’s something we need to attend to before it gets worse. The self-assessment below can help.

Pro Tip: If you are a male you may have more of an issue with aggression than you think. If those close to you let you have your way most of the time, any underlying hostility will stay in check because without resistance it won’t get triggered. Some men don’t realize that they always get their way because that’s what they know as “normal.” If you are wondering about this, think about the times when you didn’t get your way — at home, at work or in a professional setting. If nothing comes to mind, I rest my case. If you do remember a time when you didn’t get your way, how did you react? Do you ever “fly off the handle?” (I use that phrase because it’s easier to consider. But don’t be fooled, it’s simply a nice way of saying “inappropriate aggressive, behavior.”)

Doesn’t Everyone Fly Off the Handle When Something is Unfair?

No, they don’t. A mature adult with relational skills will respond without verbal abuse, finger-pointing, or name-calling. They are self-assured and know that addressing an issue calmly is more likely to get them the desired results. They communicate using their assertiveness skills. When necessary they can be firm and calmly set boundaries, but a confident person has no need to behave aggressively.

Relationships Suffer for Those Who Boil Over Too Often

When we have difficulty managing our aggression, whether it’s an occasional snarky remark that we consider a joke, or flying off the handle when something doesn’t go our way, our relationships suffer.

Even if someone is in a position of power, those who witness their flare-ups will likely see them as childish. Having a short fuse is often a sign of feeling insecure. For whatever reason, that person has not developed adult skills.

The good news is that when we strengthen our relational skills our confidence will increase. Learning a “clean” communication style will enhance our relational skills, deepen interpersonal connections, and reduce conflicts with colleagues at work and family members at home.

We all feel upset or agitated at times even if we don’t verbalize it. The simple assessment below will help you determine where you fall on the continuum.

Aggression Self-Assessment — Ask Yourself These Questions

Do you not speak up when you should, but then explode once you’ve reached your limit? Do you try to turn the other cheek when people are unkind to you? Do you hesitate to stand up for yourself?
Do you ever raise your voice and make accusations? (with your partner or spouse? At a business meeting?) Have you lashed out blaming another person for something that upset you? Have you publicly accused someone of doing something you thought was wrong? Have you ever overreacted?
Do you ever make “jokes” that have an edge to them? Do you direct “jokes” or snarky remarks at specific individuals? (partner, co-worker, mother-in-law, etc.) A specific group? (women, immigrants, poor people, Democrats, Republicans, etc.) These “jokes” especially when they target groups are either direct slurs or a form of passive-aggressive behavior.*
Have you ever apologized to someone after an inappropriate public interaction? Did you tell them you didn’t mean what you said? Acknowledge that you were out of line? Told them you should have addressed the issue privately and when you were calm?
Have you ever not apologized but thought about doing so because you knew your behavior was out of line?

If anything in the Self-Assessment rings true, make a note of it. Pay attention to your interactions and don’t ignore that queasy feeling that tells you when you’ve crossed a line or come close. Self-awareness cannot be emphasized enough. It’s a foundational skill. (a link to the Self-Awareness article will be added once it’s published)

*Humor Can Be Hurtful
A certain type of humor that we might think is funny can offend people and hurt their feelings. Sarcasm is often the culprit but not all sarcasm is hurtful or socially inappropriate. Read my in-depth perspective in Sarcasm: Funny Eye-Opener & Passive-Aggressive Jab

Mean Humor

Another type of hurtful humor is what I call “mean” humor. This is an aside but while we’re on the topic I want to mention it.

The example that makes me cringe is Jimmy Kimmel’s Halloween practical joke, which he tells parents to play on their children. The morning after Halloween, the parents tell their children that they ate all their Halloween candy.

Almost every child in the videos has what I consider a traumatic meltdown. It’s excruciating to watch. Then the parents laugh and tell them they are only kidding. This kind of “joke” on a child is cruel. I was shocked to see a Facebook thread with hundreds of parents cracking up thinking the joke was hysterical. I‘m sure these parents would not intentionally be cruel to their children. I can only comprehend their comments by assuming they had no understanding of the fragility of a child’s psyche.

Are There Emotions Under Our Aggression That Aren’t Anger?

Yes, we might also be feeling sadness, grief, helplessness, etc.

Identifying Our Emotions

Many of us try to push away the feelings we perceive as negative or that are uncomfortable. But if we try to sidestep our feelings we may never learn how to handle them.

It’s important to accurately identify our emotions. We can’t manage what we can’t identify. We need to recognize our triggers so that we can get used to them.

In the HBO series “Naomi,” a girl with superpowers is being taught by her mentor how to manage her powers. After she got overzealous, he said,

“Maybe next session we’ll start the meditation training.”
She responded, “I’m not really into the whole yoga pants mountaintop thing.”
To which he responded, “Meditation is about being aware and present. A mind that isn’t aware of its emotions is at risk for being controlled by them.”

If you are not aware of what you are feeling you can become a victim of your own emotions, unable to control your behavior. You are also more easily manipulated if you can’t identify and manage your emotions. This is because manipulators target your emotions, not your thoughts or beliefs.

The Trap of Judging Our Emotions

Some of us judge our anger. We believe it’s “below us” to feel it at all, or we believe we can transcend it. But it’s not an intellectual exercise.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. In my essay Conscious Anger, I explain that anger is simply an emotion we all feel. No one is exempt from it except perhaps those who are enlightened.

It’s not the feeling of anger that can be a problem — it’s our aggressive behavior that can be triggered by our anger that can have a negative impact.

When we deny our feelings of anger or don’t deal with it directly we risk behaving passive-aggressively.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Ah! That all-too-common range of behaviors that have sadly become our cultural default.

It’s easy to engage in passive-aggressive behavior without knowing it. When we see it in others we might feel annoyed. When it’s directed at us we feel hurt or angry. We might respond in kind with our own passive-aggressive actions or comments without giving it a thought because it is common and has become normalized.

Understanding our passive-aggressive behavior is essential to managing our emotional responses. It is so complex that I had to give it its own home. It’s required reading — You can read it later but don’t skip it: Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Often Unrecognized & All Too Acceptable

Codependency — The Anger Underneath the Nice-Nice

Those who experienced early trauma can develop codependent tendencies — traits that helped them survive, and that some still use to appease others to keep the peace.

Codependency Can Look Like Empathy

Those with codependent traits do indeed feel authentic empathy, but there can also be a compulsive “niceness” that is more of a protective response than true empathy. Read more about this in my piece Empathy & Compassion: Ingredients of Effective Communication & a Healthy Society

No matter the origin of codependency, underneath, these folks are often seething with rage — valid anger that is the result of being mistreated or that is their reaction to the programming they received that taught them (usually women) to always put the needs of others before their own.

No wonder they are angry! No one “wants” others to always go first or to always accept the last sliver of pie.

Some feel called to a life of service and strive to put others before themselves. That’s fine as long as it’s truly a choice.

However, I’ve seen too many who carry the flag of “selfless service,” become nasty or passive-aggressive when others take advantage of them. There is nothing unspiritual or bad about taking care of our own needs.

Codependency almost always involves a feeling of powerlessness. Learning the empowering skills of assertiveness and good boundaries will help us communicate more effectively and improve our relationships as we rise above codependency.

Learn Skills to Transform Your Relationships

Susan David stresses the importance of accuracy when identifying our feelings. That’s why I’m writing “We’ll Get Along Best if We Learn to Identify Our Feelings & Define Universal Concepts” (essay will be linked once published)

While we can’t transcend anger with an intellectual decision, there are tools and practices that when applied consistently, can help us transform both our emotions and our behavior.

If you learn and practice an effective communication model, you will see results. You can learn to dial down and even dissolve your knee-jerk reactions. It will vary for each person, but if you are “teachable” and make an effort, you will be astonished the first time you offer a “clean” message to someone in your life. A clean message is one that is direct, yet free of interpretation of the other person’s actions — free of judgment.

When you do that you will likely be surprised by the response you receive. It will seem that the other person has changed, which will be true because when they receive a judgment-free message, they respond differently. They will soften, and that softness creates the receptivity that resolves conflicts and improves relationships.

I have had this experience many times and it was quite profound. But I don’t always remember to use the process that I’ve learned. When I don’t use it I am not able to open that door to softness and receptivity. The door that only unlocks when judgment is removed.

10 Steps to Better Managing Your Aggressive Responses

Step 1: Be Honest with Yourself:

Acknowledge any aggressive tendencies — admit that you “fly off the handle” (if you do).

Step 2: Understand the Consequences of Your Behavior:

When you “fly off the handle” it hurts those around you.
Flying off the handle is a micro-aggression at the very least.
If it’s more extreme it’s a form of abuse.

Step 3: Be Teachable:

Be willing to behave more responsibly.
Show a desire to act with greater maturity and take steps to learn how.
Find resources that can help you manage your triggers.

Step 4: Commit to Change:

Commit to your loved ones who will like being around you more.
Commit to your co-workers/colleagues who will want to work with you.

Step 5: Learn Assertiveness Skills

Assertiveness is the foundational skill of effective communication.
Learn Nonviolent Communication — the fastest most effective path.
Work with a skills coach who can advise and guide you as you learn assertiveness and techniques for calm, respectful direct communication.
The attributes of empathy and compassion are part of assertiveness. They needed a longer discussion so I wrote “Empathy & Compassion: Ingredients of Effective Communication & a Healthy Society” — a piece that examines why the world is experiencing an empathy and compassion deficiency and offers resources to help you increase those and improve other relational skills, that can transform your relationships.
Read my article with in-depth information about Nonviolent Communication that includes assertiveness skills.

Step 6: Take Full Responsibility

This means letting go of the victim role and no longer blaming others — when you do you will claim your authentic power.
You’ll no longer feel the need to dominate others to boost your confidence.
Learning assertiveness and effective communication makes this easier.

Step 7: Apologize for Past Offenses

Apologize as soon as you’re aware that you’re out of line.
As appropriate, offer your apology to one person or to a group if your behavior was witnessed by others. Learn about the Authentic Apology.
Taking responsibility and apologizing is usually challenging when first gaining awareness of our behaviors. But the sooner we understand the value of both, and practice apologizing, the more quickly we will master the skills that will help us get along better at home and work.

Step 8: Practice, Practice, Practice

Practice the skills that will help you manage your emotions and behavior.

Step 9: Forgive Yourself

Even though it may not show, you likely feel bad about past behavior.
Keep adding skills to your adulthood toolbox and become proficient.
Experience the relief of new behaviors and improved relationships.
Forgive yourself.

Step 10: Pay if Forward (optional)

Be a good role model for others, especially young people.
Share your experience with others as appropriate.
Share the resources that helped you with those who need them.

There’s Good News—You CAN Learn the Relational Skills

All these skills are interdependent. Strengthening one skill will improve the others.

Below are links to articles about each skill.

While they are listed in a recommended order you should start with the one that feels most important to you.

Get started!

Christine Green:* Coaches individuals and business professionals to develop emotional regulation skills* Coaches supervisors and employees to increase or develop their equanimity skills* Consults with employers and organizations creating policies and procedures for conflict resolution and improving company culture