Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Often Unrecognized & All Too Acceptable
This covertly hostile behavior is pervasive but often considered normal.
I wrote a piece about equanimity and emotional management, and as I began to examine the common shortcomings related to emotional awareness and self-management, passive-aggressive behavior stepped into the spotlight and stayed there. After it hogged so much attention I decided to give it its own dedicated page. This is it.
What is it?
We exhibit passive-aggressive behavior when we don’t express our anger directly (by telling you) but instead, we express it through our behavior — behavior that contradicts our words and holds some degree of hostility. That hostility might be low-level and quite subtle, but it’s still hostility. (translation: you’re pissed off)
Some of us may be unaware that underneath we feel irritated and we, therefore, don’t see the disconnect. Our behavior can be so subtle that we can fool ourselves and possibly fool others.
Though it’s the targeted person who can most easily recognize hostile energy coming at them (even if it’s a small amount).
You know what I’m talking about — We’ve all been on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. Our spouse, friend, or colleague acts “weird” — they say something “weird.” We know it’s “off” and doesn’t feel good but we often can’t put our finger on it. So we either ignore it and move on, or we ask “What’s wrong? What’s going on?” and they say “Nothing.” Right?
I’ve been watching the series Manifest on Netflix, and I can’t tell you how many times one character asks another character “What’s wrong?” and they say “Nothing.” I’m not sure how often it was related to passive-aggressive behavior or if someone was simply feeling troubled. But every single time someone was asked “What’s wrong?” they said “Nothing.”
This scenario is what screenwriters default to 99% of the time. You would think on occasion there might be a character who is in touch with their feelings and has the ability to talk about what’s troubling them without that evasive song and dance.
It’s heartbreaking to see almost no good role models of effective, responsible communication in movies or any TV series (at least not since Star Trek: The Next Generation — more about that in another piece I’m writing).
It’s Become So Common That it’s Considered Normal
We engage in passive-aggressive behavior if we are unable or unwilling to be honest and straightforward when we feel angry.
Even when subtle, it’s an acting-out toward that person — a form of retaliation. We jab back at someone who we perceived as having jabbed us in some way.
It can sneak up on us. It can show up in disguise. Yet it can cut deeply and leave a trail of hurt.
Passive-aggressive behavior has become so common that it’s often not recognized for what it is and not seen as dysfunctional and inappropriate.
While the person on the receiving end may not understand the intricacies or origins of the behavior, at the very least they will have an uneasy feeling and if they are astute they will see clearly that they are being targeted.
They feel the sting and know the covert anger is there, yet it can be elusive and “unprovable,” enabling the offender to easily deny its existence.
Passive aggression often shows up as inaction. We clam up and refuse to participate. We show up late. We forget to tell a co-worker about a committee meeting they need to attend but were not informed about. We are late completing a project. We don’t respond when asked a question (maybe pretending we didn’t hear) which holds up a meeting, wasting the time of those in attendance.
We might cheerfully agree to do something but then drag our feet or sabotage it in some way (acting out our anger at being asked to do it).
If we aren’t skilled in how to communicate directly and effectively, we will likely default to the method used by many— passive-aggressive messages.
Back At Ya
We flip into passive-aggressive behavior when for whatever reason, we can’t or won’t be straightforward about feeling annoyed or irritated. This happens for a variety of reasons and is often a complex dynamic.
We aren’t comfortable communicating our so-called “negative” feelings (conscious or unconscious) but those feelings don’t go away so we end up doing something to get back at that person.
We may not be aware of what we are feeling and how we are acting but we are engaging in some form of “I’ll show you!”
That’s the tricky part of it — the deniable part.
Internal denial is when we are not aware of what we are doing. If we are aware and are confronted, we might insist that we didn’t do it on purpose (that’s external denial).
Even for those of us who believe we have self-awareness, our passive-aggressive behavior can take us by surprise. We make an impulsive sarcastic comment, thinking we’re cracking a joke, but instantly realize the barb it contains. We catch ourselves, and wonder silently “Where the heck did that come from?” But if we take time to reflect we will track it back to the day before when we didn’t get invited to lunch along with other co-workers. Our feelings were hurt but we brushed it off pretending we were fine.
The Role of Emotional Management
A persistent pattern of passive-aggressive behavior can be the result of an inability to regulate our emotions.
Those who chronically engage in passive-aggressive behavior are often weak in the skills that help them:
- identify their emotions
- moderate their emotional reactions
- and manage their behavior
It’s almost always the skill of assertiveness that is missing. It is a foundational skill for the highest-functioning adults.
The Communication Continuum Chart
“Continuum” is not the most accurate title but it’s close enough for the purpose of understanding the three modes of behavior and communication.
Passivity — — — — — Assertiveness — — — — — Aggression
We Are in the Victim Mode at Either Extreme
When we struggle to manage our emotions and behavior we can swing from one end of the communication continuum to the other. What’s fascinating is that in either extreme, we are in the victim position. At one end we are a passive silent victim and at the other end, we are an aggressive, blaming victim. Contrary to the confidence illusion of an overcompensating aggressor, those in either of the extreme positions feel powerless.
That feeling of powerlessness can provoke our passive-aggressive behavior. Without the skill of assertiveness, it’s the only way we know to stand up for ourselves or experience any “power.” The problem is that it’s not authentic power — it’s a dysfunctional compensation that only leaves us less powerful. Unfortunately, much of this process can be unconscious.
An Assertiveness Skills Deficit is the Cause
Many of us lack assertiveness skills and mistakenly believe it’s wrong to speak honestly and directly. That’s because the only direct communication we’ve seen is harsh and cutting. We don’t know how to communicate in a direct, honest manner without aggression. We may not even know that it’s possible to speak direct truth in a calm and respectful manner. (Go watch Star Trek: The Next Generation)
When was the last time you told someone directly that you were angry with them?
I mean, when did you last state clearly “I feel angry about that,” without blaming or shaming, and then straightforwardly communicated what you needed or how it could have been different?
In other words, when did you last take full responsibility for your feelings and calmly work to resolve a conflict?
If that sounds foreign to you, it’s likely that you do what most people do when they get pissed off or feel hurt:
- You don’t return a phone call
- You “forget” to mention someone else’s part in a business project at a meeting
- You avoid a friend when you see them at a party
- You make a snarky remark to the person with whom you’re upset
Contrary to how it sounds, passive-aggressive behavior is not a combination of passivity and aggression.
It is aggression expressed behaviorally.
It’s referred to as “passive” because it can manifest as inaction, be somewhat subtle and disguised, or start out with passivity.
When a jab at someone takes place in a group setting, it’s often only recognized and experienced by the targeted person because of how well it’s crafted. A passive-aggressive master will omit something that only that person knows should have been mentioned. Or they describe something in a manner that insults the targeted person yet might be subliminal or missed altogether by others.
When Passive-Aggressive Behavior Starts with Passivity
If we have not learned how to be comfortable speaking up we will often be nice and stay silent even when something is unfair or simply wrong. We aren’t comfortable giving an opinion or questioning anything. We have not practiced straightforward communication.
We may have been led to believe that it’s rude to communicate directly and truthfully.
We have not had the opportunity to observe calm and considerate assertive communication. So we avoid speaking up because we don’t know how to do it in a responsible way and we are afraid to try.
Our avoidance and hesitancy is the passive aspect of where we start. But because we are trying to avoid the unavoidable, and we are not skilled in assertive communication (presenting a direct, but calm and respectful message), if the situation becomes intolerable to us, our passivity can eventually flip into a not-so-attractive outburst that’s aggressive and blaming.
We go from one extreme of trying not to say what we need to say, to the other extreme of a poorly delivered tangled message of frustration because we don’t know how to put together a clear, succinct respectful message.
That leaves us flailing in a reactionary mode. That’s the maturity issue. Assertiveness is a skill that helps us function effectively in adulthood.
Sadly most of us are not taught this skill. I can only assume that’s because as a society we are blind to this necessity. Too few adults understand or know how to formulate a clean assertive statement.
There are certainly plenty of leaders and public figures who are skilled communicators with assertiveness in their toolbox, but those people usually aren’t available to teach the skills. What boggles my mind is the blindness of influential people to the need for children and adults to learn these skills.
Step Into Your Power with Assertiveness
The good news is that when we learn assertiveness (which includes strengthening our boundaries and being more self-aware) we learn how to communicate in ways that move us out of the victim position. Assertiveness is empowering. Yet, what may seem counterintuitive is that we become calmer, maybe quieter, we use fewer words, and let go of aggression. This is because we are more confident and therefore don’t feel the need to be loud or to throw our weight around. (FYI — those who throw their weight around are not confident. They act bossy and aggressive to make up for their insecurity)
This new skill will help us understand what we’re feeling, know what we need to say and how to say it.
News Flash: Assertiveness is one of the most misunderstood and undervalued communication skills. Find out how and why — read Assertiveness: The Unsung Hero of All Relationships & a Good Life
Passive-Aggressive Behavior is A Survival Skill for the Oppressed
Women have used passive-aggressive behavior for centuries as a conscious or unconscious way of pushing back against subjugation and retaliating against our oppressors.
People who have been racially oppressed, abused, or enslaved have also used passive-aggressive behavior as a survival skill. I can’t speak for those who have experienced racial injustice. So I won’t.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior is Used by Those with Less Power
Subordinates use passive-aggressive behavior when they have no avenue for standing up to their boss. Some of us use it in an attempt to balance inequities or retaliate in the only way we can.
Others use it simply because they are opposed to anyone telling them what to do. They may miss a project deadline, show up late to work and to meetings, and engage in other creative acting-out behaviors to mess with their boss. However, those behaviors rarely help the situation and likely make the relationship more antagonistic. Continual passive-aggressive behavior directed at your supervisor or boss can result in you being passed over for a promotion or a raise and may possibly get you fired. That’s the world of business — it’s not a democracy and inequality is the name of the game.
We’ve all had at least one boss from hell and most of us know that our most effective strategy is to act responsibly, and make the best of it while we look for another job.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior is Used by Those with Power Over
Those who are in charge are also known to use passive-aggressive behavior as a way of showing us who’s boss, or in the extreme, abusing their employees.
Often a supervisor or boss who feels the need to exert power over others will express it openly (because they can). They won’t disguise their aggression. They may give orders, get loud or engage in verbal abuse, shaming, blaming, or mocking their subordinates.
Passive-Aggressive Gaslighting
Then there are the skilled sly and nasty bosses who con us with their soft-spoken manner while simultaneously engaging in the systematic torture of underhanded crazy-making that has us second-guessing our decisions, and turning ourselves into a pretzel trying to please them. They do this by moving the goalposts — not simply farther down the field, but haphazardly all over the field to keep us guessing (so they can tell us that we are always wrong).
With that kind of boss, we start to doubt our perceptions yet we know something is very off. We try to figure out what the heck is going on. If we are lucky we realize that we are being supervised by a disturbed person. Or we get a reality check from a caring co-worker, friend, or mentor. Then we get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
Can you tell I’ve had a boss like this?
Have you?
There’s nothing worse than working under an abusive gaslighter — especially if they view you as a threat (if they know you are more competent than they are and fear you may upstage them or end up with power over them).
If you are in this situation, get out. No matter how scary it may seem to quit that job, get out. I guarantee you there is something better waiting for you.
Let’s examine the behavior.
How We Act Passively:
- We avoid or deny conflict — (this is passive and perhaps the first step of passive-aggressive behavior)
- We pretend we’re not angry when we are (this might be unconscious to some degree, a form of denial, or low self-awareness)
- We sweep conflicts under the rug — and try to sweep our own anger under the rug as well — (this is denial and passivity)
How We Act Out Toward the Person (the aggressive part):
- We “forget” to pick up the dry cleaning when we said we would.
- We “accidentally” burn our partner’s dinner.
- We show up late to our sister’s important event.
- We talk about a work project but don’t mention the contribution of another person who is in the same meeting. That person is invisible and we get credit for the project (unless they speak up).
- We don’t return a call or respond to an email in the time frame we normally would. This non-action is known as the “cold shoulder.”
When we give someone the cold shoulder we are ignoring them.
Almost everyone knows how painful it can be to be ignored.
When we ignore someone who we normally interact with, it’s passive-aggressive. We are acting out rather than being honest.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
— Elie Wiesel, Romanian-born American writer
If We Don’t Talk it Out — We’ll Act it Out
We aren’t telling the person how we feel or why we are behaving differently. The irony is that we wouldn’t need to behave differently if we simply communicated how we were feeling. In other words — we only need to act weird because the message is coming through our behavior (consciously or unconsciously) and is likely to be hurtful because it’s funneled through anger. If we had the courage and skills to communicate that message directly by simply telling the person, firmly if needed, but without aggression, there would be no unusual behavior — because it would be one and done.
We Are All Passive-Aggressive on Occasion
Like so many other aspects of life, the negatives and positives are a matter of degree. We all have moments of passive-aggressive behavior. Sometimes we are conscious of it and sometimes we are not.
There are nuances. As I was finishing up this piece my phone rang and on the Caller ID screen I recognized the number and purposely did not pick up. I had a good idea of what it was about and felt some irritation that the instructions I had sent this person perhaps weren’t followed and that I’d be asked to do some hand-holding. I wanted that person to figure it out on their own which I knew they were perfectly capable of doing.
I said to myself out loud “You’re being passive-aggressive and you know it!”
A few seconds later (again out loud) I said “No, I’m not. I’m setting a limit. I’m not available right now to answer the phone or to deal with this problem. It can wait.”
Chalk one up for self-awareness!
I probably did that person a favor by not picking up since I would have had the urge to be passive-aggressive. But I was assertive and set a limit, possibly sparing them from an inappropriate expression of my irritation.
You can see how it’s not always easy to instantly attune to our emotions, to distinguish one behavior from another, and how we can experience knee-jerk guilt unnecessarily. Making self-awareness a priority will get us in the habit of reflecting on our behavior and examining our feelings. If the thought of that makes you cringe I invite you to breathe and consider opening to it, even if you simply crack the door ever so slightly.
When passive-aggressive behavior is pronounced and is a pattern, it’s related to immaturity. I don’t say that as an insult. I’m talking about the lack of adult skills.
When we lack self-awareness and don’t have the ability to recognize what we are doing or have the skills to help us get along better at work and at home we will only continue to wander through the soup of life feeling frustrated and sometimes hopeless.
Once we gain even a bit of awareness, we can see what we’ve denied in the past. We can see at least a glimpse of how we haven’t taken responsibility for ourselves and how that has impacted us and those around us.
We can take responsibility. Once we see the value of strengthening our skills we will begin. Once we experience the increased confidence we will welcome the journey and step into our power.
Cleaning Up and Apologizing
When we become aware that we have been inappropriate or passive-aggressive, we might take the opportunity to apologize — either in the moment or later once we gain full clarity about what we did. We might say:
“Wow, that didn’t come out the way I intended. I apologize for that snarky remark.”
or
“I’m sorry. I’m not sure where that comment came from but it wasn’t very nice, was it? Please accept my apology.”
Those two examples are your baseline most simple apologies — better than none but likely not complete.
The ability to offer a true apology is an impressive skill. My essay on Authentic Apologies analyzes the good apologies and the non-apologies of public figures and explains how to improve your apology skills.
Did I Forget to Mention Sarcasm?
How could I?
Sarcasm plays a very important role in the passive-aggressive world.
It is a sophisticated form of humor that can have you on the floor holding your sides with laughter or it can be so hurtful that you’ll be in the corner shedding tears.
Because sarcasm is so varied and complex it also deserved its own piece. Here’s a deep dive: Sarcasm: Funny Eye-Opener & Passive-Aggressive Jab.
And there’s nothing funny about it!
