An Intro to Online Dating #2
Creating an authentic online presence
The number one reason I will send a “no, thanks” message or not respond at all is stranger danger. Like Real Life Dating, if you emit creeper vibes, people are going to avoid/ignore/run away from you. If people think you are hiding something, they won’t talk to you. You need to be honest with yourself and authentic on your profile.
The advice I gave in my first post about online dating will help you build a credible online persona. This post expands on the finer points of being real in your profile. The thought process necessary to work through these tough questions is beneficial for online and Real Life dating. As you read this, remember —
There are no “wrong” answers. Just better answers.
What do you want?
Not everyone online is looking for the same thing. There are people looking for End Game (marriage, kids, etc) and there are people looking for Casual Sex (one night stands, fun buddies, etc). Most people are looking for something in between.
Nobody expects you to know exactly what you are looking for, but you should have a general sense of what you want out of the online dating experience. Are you ready to settle down or do you want a moderately serious long-term relationship? Do you just want to date and see what happens? “Not looking for anything in particular” is an answer, but it doesn't help you find matches. It can also appear desperate if you don’t word it correctly.
Insider Tip: If you aren't sure, test multiple versions of your profile. Leave each version up for a week. Compare your results. Which profile generated the best matches?
Who are you?
Almost everyone who has dated online and met matches in Real Life has a horror story. It goes like this: She/He was attractive on paper and we had engaging conversation over text/phone call, but I went on a date with a completely different person.
I have gone out with a guy who weighed at least 30 lbs heavier in Real Life than in his photos. There was a guy who showed up in a wheelchair. There was a guy who MUST have lied about his age. The problem is not that he was 30 lbs heavier, in a wheel chair, or actually 42. The problem is that they lied.
Pictures, self-summaries, and and match questions (if applicable) create an online personality. Potential matches rely on this data to make an educated decision about you. You should represent your best self; but it should be yourself, and not someone else. You will be found out. You won’t get a second date and you won’t get an explanation. And you don’t deserve one.
Photos should be recent (last 6 months, or more recent if you've experience a change in body composition). Self-description or summary should describe who you are (not have been or want to be). Match questions should be answered brutally honestly.
You don’t want to date someone who likes your residual self-image. You want to date someone who likes you. Help them find you.
Insider Tip: Be human but not self-deprecating. Self-deprecation can break the ice in very small doses, but in excess it demonstrates a lack of confidence.
Write messages like Real Life conversation
If you walk up to someone and say “hey cutie,” you might get a nod or a smile, but you would have to be stupid hot to get three paragraphs of why you two are compatible. So don’t send messages online that say “Hi” or “How’s it going?” and expect that kind of response.
If you wanted to hit on someone in a Real Life setting, you would find something to comment on or compliment.
- I noticed you’re wearing a Coheed & Cambria t-shirt, I love that band!
- What does your tattoo say? (Tattoos are an excellent conversation starter).
- My friend and I were debating xyz. Would you break the tie for us?
Communication works two ways. You need to give your potential match something to respond to. Make it easy for them to enter into conversation with you.
Don’t spam their inbox. Legitimate applicants only. I don’t respond to messages that could be mass-produced. If you can’t take the time to read my profile and make an intelligent comment or ask an intelligent question, why should I look at yours?
Insider Tip: Demonstrating that you have read and understand your potential match’s profile will significantly improve your chances of getting a response.
Be yourself
This phrase has become a cliche, but it is exactly what you need to do online. The Stranger Danger Zone is worse that the Friend Zone and there is no coming back from that. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you are looking for, as long as you can articulate it. Be real and honest, and you will meet people who are genuinely interested in you—not a weird version of you that only exists online.
And test. Test, test, test.
Good luck!
