An Authentic Twin Flame Connection or Something Else?
How to know which sort you have
There are a lot of misconceptions out there about the Twin Flame dynamic. It’s an idea that has gained a lot of popularity in recent years and spread via the internet, but with that comes a certain amount of misinformation where it is billed as the ultimate fairytale love story, rather than the spiritual journey that it is.
Misunderstanding of the Twin Flame dynamic can lead to disappointment and even acceptance of abuse in some cases. Because of that, there is some pushback out there about whether such a connection even exists or questions about whether this whole thing really isn’t just a bunch of hooey. Knowing what an authentic Twin Flame connection is and what it isn’t is vital if you hope to avoid these pitfalls.
Although I don’t know if I’m technically an expert, I have been in a Twin Flame (TF) connection for over 6 years and have been studying the phenomenon for more than 4. I didn’t even know what a TF was when I first met mine, and it’s definitely not something either of us went looking for. It was only later on that I began to see that this term explained everything we had been going through together. This remarkable connection found us even though I was (and still am) happily married to someone else. We are polyamorous and I entered into a relationship with Nat with James’ knowledge and approval.
I love my partner James very deeply but as my personal and spiritual growth progressed, I began to feel what I can only describe in retrospect as a call to bring another man into our lives. I didn’t know why exactly, except that it was a strong yearning, even though I was happily paired with him. I assumed it was just a sexual exploration thing, an itch to scratch, and that would be the end of it. Little did I know that this urge would take me on a journey that would turn my life upside down.
It took quite a while to find the man I was looking for because it turned out I wasn’t just looking for someone to have sex with; I was looking for a particular person, Nat, my Twin Flame. But even after the incredible sense of recognition the first time we kissed, and the undeniable magnetic attraction I felt towards him despite the fact that he really wasn’t my type, it was still two more years before I ran across the concept of a Twin Flame and began to truly understand what was going on.
It’s been a powerful journey, with a lot of beautiful moments, but it’s also been a highly challenging dynamic a lot of the time, and not just because I’m already partnered with someone else. The people I know with authentic TF connections pretty much all agree, this isn’t something to search for and wish that you had, no matter how au courant. First off, you can’t go looking for it — it finds you when you are ready, and secondly, it’s an extremely difficult spiritual trial by fire. It comes with a lot of magic, but it’s also a lot of work to really come to terms with a connection that is so not of this world.
Earlier today I read a story complaining about the need to avoid “the Twin Flame cyber cult.” It mentioned that the phenomenon has a lot of similarities to narcissistically abusive relationships. While I don’t agree with that opinion, I do think that because it’s become such a popular concept, a lot of what is out there, on the internet, in particular, is a distorted version of what an actual TF connection looks like. This may well be leading some people to romanticize unhealthy relationships, imagining that they are Twin Flame connections, and that is something to be concerned about, so here are some guidelines to tell if it’s an authentic TF connection or not.
You may have noticed that I have referred to this dynamic as a connection and not as a relationship. That’s because there is no guarantee that you are meant to be in a romantic relationship with your Twin Flame, much less live happily ever after with them. It’s a spiritual connection that may or may not end up with a love relationship as one of the aspects of it, and even then, this almost certainly will not be a traditional one. I’m always a bit skeptical of people who claim that they are married to their Twin Flame because, given everything that I know, that seems highly unlikely to me.
I do accept that each Twin Flame journey is individual and that anything is possible, but for me, this makes my Spidey-sense tingle at the possible distortion of the TF dynamic — one which paints it as the ultimate fairytale love connection, where you are simply meant to be. You are intrinsically connected to your Twin Flame, to be sure, and may feel that you have always known them, but that is not the same thing as being their one true love, or being destined to live together in a conventional pairing.
One of the hallmarks of an authentic Twin Flame connection is that there almost always is some major impediment to being in a conventional relationship. If this person is readily available to date and you think to yourself, “This is just the kind of person I’ve been hoping to meet,” it’s probably something other than a TF connection.
You may very well have a romantic aspect to your connection, and it’s probably going to feel both intoxicating and overwhelming, but what it’s not going to be is just another intense crush. Your Twin Flame is probably going to be really very different from you, and not the sort of person you’ve ever been interested in dating before. That’s because you are two sides of the same coin, or the two aspects of the taijitu — the Yin/Yang symbol. You are opposite sides of something that forms a greater whole once it is joined.
This is one of the great challenges of the TF dynamic, but it’s also the catalyst for a lot of the growth and healing that can take place when you embrace that element. And that is really the main point of the connection — that and a more expansive understanding of what love is. We poke at our TF's core wounds within a foundation of deep connection, giving them an opportunity to work on and heal them, but we also expand our vision of what love is and how it manifests in our lives. This is big work, and it’s not easy, but it’s also not abusive.
The Twin Flame journey is in many ways a journey of letting go… of who we were told we were. Away from what we were told the world and relationships and love were all about.
We’re being pushed to release old attachments, perceptions and expectations — including within the Twin Flame relationship.
The healing and growth opportunity is the one that can get confused with abuse if you aren’t looking carefully at what’s really going on. The difference between a trauma bond and an authentic TF connection is that your TF is not poking your wounds intentionally, and they aren’t doing things that are actually abusive. Those old wounds get awakened in part because your TF is so different from you and may see and need things in different ways than you are used to. You poke their wounds as well. This gives you both an opportunity to heal things that aren’t even truly about each other, and to become more accepting of different ways of being in the world.
If the person you think is your Twin Flame brings out the worst in you, lies to you, engages in physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, and encourages you to abandon your boundaries, that’s a toxic relationship, not a TF connection. They might not give you everything that you think you need, but it’s not out of malice or trying to manipulate you. They are just trying to muddle along and make their way, just as you are, and at times are not doing it how you would prefer. All this is nudging you towards your own sense of wholeness that comes from within you and not from the relationship with them.
“The essence of this journey is expansion, empowerment, and sovereignty, none of which will be found in an abusive or toxic dynamic.”
An authentic Twin wants what is best for you and wishes you all good things, even if there are times where they don’t understand how to contribute to that in your life because they are so different, or their own core wounds are in the way. The fact is that as profoundly linked as you are, your Twin can’t fix or heal your life for you or be a perfect love and that means you are forced to do your own work. There’s an ebb and flow element, as well as times when one or both Twins may feel completely overwhelmed by the connection and pull back for that reason, but there’s also a real sense of being deeply known because this person is family.
As you work on meeting your own most elemental needs, and realizing that you don’t need the other person to complete you (despite how intensely they feel a part of you), the more the challenges of the connection ease. Looking to yourself to find your own wholeness in the face of this profound connection should help you to grow, and further deepen the spiritual aspect of the pairing. If it makes you realize all of the ways that you’ve been manipulated or disrespected, then they were never a Twin Flame in the first place.
Your Twin Flame is different than a soulmate. We may have more than one soulmate in life, with not all of those being romantic connections. A soul mate is someone who has an important purpose, to support you, to teach you perhaps, but who you may not always have a sexual attraction to, although they are someone who is just really “on your team.” You may even feel that you’ve known them before somehow, but it is different than the soul-level recognition of the TF connection.
A Twin Flame is a passionate and magnetic attraction, whether or not that aspect is ever acted upon. They are a mirror soul, reflecting back to you parts of yourself, but also someone whom you instantly just “know” when you meet them even if they are not someone you would expect to be drawn to in that way. There’s no denying the feeling of familiarity and that this person is a part of you.
“The twin flame path is about meeting ourselves and others in love, compassion, and forgiveness. It’s a journey of becoming more whole within and to elevate how we function.”
The Twin Flame dynamic is not about finding your one true love, or your perfectly ordained mate. It’s about growing and healing in yourself and about bringing the gifts that come from that to others as well as manifesting expansive love more deeply in the world — not just romantic love, but all forms of love. This is what an authentic Twin Flame connection is all about.
It’s hard not to try to fit the square peg of a TF connection into the round hole of the sort of relationships most people are familiar with and expect, but this will never work because it is such a unique and transformative thing. It is its own dynamic, with its own parameters, and although each journey is unique to some extent, an authentic Twin Flame connection has a feel to it that is different than anything else.
