Falling in Love in West Berlin #5: Love is in the Air
Being gay or not gay becomes irrelevant
Miguel was delighted when John gave him the good news. They went out that night as usual and John soon found himself slipping into a regular routine. He’d go to the Pairs Bar three or four times a week and join Miguel on his nighttime peregrinations.
John was getting increasingly attached to Miguel. He didn’t derive very much pleasure from those hours in the smoky bars, and the loud music often gave him a headache. But he couldn’t pull himself away from Miguel, who attracted him like a magnet. John began ending the night at around 5 am, always hoping that Miguel would leave with him and that they could hang out together alone in a place more conducive for intimate conversation.
But Miguel was never ready to leave that early and there was inevitably a woman who had latched on to him with whom John assumed he would go home with at the end of the night. John observed that Miguel never actually got drunk, but was, at times, high.
One night when he told Miguel he was tired and needed to leave, Miguel bid him good night as usual, but then put his arm around John and gave him a very warm and affectionate hug. John returned the tight pressure he felt from Miguel’s embrace and thought he would melt into the floor, for his knees were slightly shaking from the joy he felt in his heart. Miguel then smiled, looking directly into John’s eyes, and John was certain there was love in his gaze.
After that, he looked forward to taking leave from Miguel at the end of each night he was with him. And Miguel did not disappoint him. He hugged John on each subsequent occasion. This became for John the highlight of the long night and he would enter the street, still experiencing the warmth of Miguel’s embrace.
A few days later, John passed a flower stall on his way to the Paris Bar and saw beautiful red carnations. He spontaneously bought one and asked the seller to cut it and put it in a small holder with water. He also asked for a pin. John proceeded to the bar and looked for Miguel. When he approached John, he handed him the carnation.
“I thought this would look good on your black vest.”
Miguel was obviously pleased and took it from John. He searched for a place to wear it. John handed him the pin.
“You are so thoughtful, John. And kind. Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome. I’ll be back later.”
“Great.”
That night, they made the usual rounds and ended up in the subterranean “Mink.” John was standing at the bar with Miguel when a woman approached them. She seemed to enjoy a special familiarity with Miguel and John assumed they had slept together on a number of occasions.
“John, I’d like you to meet Ute.”
“Nice to meet you,” John said. He didn’t put out his hand.
Miguel then put his arm casually around John’s shoulder and turned to Ute.
“This is John, my friend and assistant.”
John was dumbfounded. Miguel had never called him his assistant before.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, John,” Ute said, and then looked at Miguel. “And what does he assist you with?”
“He assists me by just being here,” Miguel said in an earnest voice. “In fact, he is my other half.”
John felt the blood rush to his head and was grateful for the dim light so no one would notice. His heart was beating rapidly and there was an expansive feeling in his upper chest. He wanted to cry out, ‘Yes!’ but restrained himself. He replayed in his mind what he had just heard.
Meanwhile, Miguel and Ute became involved in a conversation about a recent trip she had taken. John moved away from the bar and sat down on the black steps that looked like bleachers at a stadium. He repeatedly went over in his mind the startling remarks Miguel had made and attempted to determine its significance. After sitting for at least an hour, he looked at his watch. Six o’clock. He stood up and walked to the bar and prepared to take leave of Miguel. He tapped Miguel on the shoulder.
“I need to go.”
“Oh. We’re getting ready to go too.”
John wasn’t surprised Miguel would be going home with Ute. When Ute heard that John was leaving, she turned to him.
“You must come with us, John,” she said.
John didn’t know what to say. He looked at Miguel, who met his gaze and shrugged. Before John could respond to Ute’s invitation, she took him by the arm.
“Come, John, we go together to my flat.” She then led John to the door and Miguel followed them.
When they arrived, Ute excused herself and went into another room. John seized the opportunity to speak with Miguel. He couldn’t join them. If he was going to have a sexual encounter with Miguel, it would have to be just the two of them. He feared Miguel and Ute would have sex and he would end up having to watch from the sidelines.
“Miguel, I can’t do this. I…I just can’t,” he looked pleadingly at Miguel. He felt he was near tears.
“It’s okay, John. I understand,” he said softly.
“I’d better go before she comes back. Please tell her I’m not feeling well.”
Before he could stop himself, He kissed Miguel on the cheek.
“You are a really sweet man, John,” said Miguel, barely audible, and patted him gently on the head.
“Yeah…maybe… sometimes. Good night, Miguel.”
He walked to the door and quietly left.
