Falling in Love in West Berlin #6: John Makes a Big Decision
Being gay or not gay becomes irrelevant
John spent the next few days processing the events of that night. He didn’t go to the Paris Bar. One evening as he and Simon had just finished teaching, Simon asked him to accompany him to the newly opened “Far Out” disco.
“You’ll like it, John. It’s run by members of the Bagwan Rajneesh sect and it’s supposed to be really nice with good music.”
After fueling up with coffee, John and Simon walked to the nearby disco right off the Ku’Damm. John liked it from the moment he walked in. It wasn’t smoky, the music wasn’t loud, and the air was refreshing. He thought how completely different it was from the places he frequented with Miguel. John smiled at Simon.
“You’re right. It’s really nice here.”
“I knew you’d like it.”
John enjoyed the selection of classic rock music from the 60s and 70s and found himself moving to the rhythm. But he wasn’t very agile in his movements and was embarrassed to dance in front of others, especially Simon, a former ballet dancer. Suddenly, the rock music stopped and a Strauss waltz played from the speakers.
“Oh, John, I can’t resist a waltz. Come.”
“No…no, Simon, I don’t know how to waltz.”
“No problem, I’ll lead.”
Simon took John’s hand, and they walked on the dance floor. He positioned them and said, “Just follow me.”
John managed to follow Simon without stepping on his feet. He let himself get carried along. Simon was very graceful, and they circled around the spacious dance floor. John glanced at the other dancing couples — both same-sex couples and those of different genders, and there was also a man dancing alone. When it ended, Simon praised John as a dance partner.
“I actually enjoyed it. Thanks for the dance,” John smiled.
They walked over to the bar and ordered beers.
“So, tell me, John, how has life in Berlin been going for you?”
“Well…it’s been a mixture of pleasure and frustration,” John didn’t look at Simon.
“How so?” Simon inquired.
“I’m in love with someone.”
“That’s wonderful. Where did you meet him?”
“He is a waiter at the Paris Bar.”
“Uh oh. Is it the handsome American with a Latin look?”
“Yes, Miguel.”
“I applaud your taste, but you’re wasting your time with him. He’s definitely not gay, nor bisexual.”
“I know. But…he seems…I think he’s in some way attracted to me. He likes me to accompany him on his nighttime excursions.”
“He probably wants a male friend, especially a fellow American. Aren’t women just falling over him at the bars?”
“Yes, they are,” John admitted. He hesitated revealing to Simon what had transpired the other night.
“And he is probably aware that you are attracted to him. You know, some straight men really get off on attracting gay men. I don’t understand it. It somehow feeds their ego.”
“He has shown some affection towards me,” John felt desperate to convince Simon that there really was something between him and Miguel.
“My advice is to forget him. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and grief.”
Later that night, John sat in his small apartment and considered his situation. The tenant would be returning in two weeks and his three-month contract was ending soon. He asked himself if he really wanted to stay longer in Berlin. He knew Miguel would be his only reason for staying. He delved deeper. Merely “being there” for Miguel was not what he was looking for. He wanted a true intimate friendship and to know that he was the center of Miguel’s life, as Miguel had become for him.
John was sure that Miguel loved him in some way, but it was not how he needed to be loved. Simon’s words hit him. He realized he was right. There could be no satisfying future with Miguel and he will only grow more and more frustrated. The two “halves” won’t ever make a whole.
He continued to sit for the next hour and then stood up and walked to the window. He looked down at the dimly lit cobblestone street. The weather had turned cold and foggy and there was a strong smell of burning coal in the air. While John had found Berlin to be atmospheric, he didn’t find the nightlife interesting. He knew he had made his decision. It was time to return to the U. S.
During the following week, John accompanied Miguel as usual, but he was on edge, looking for the right moment to tell him of his plans to return to the States. Then one night, he finally found an opportunity to talk to Miguel when there wasn’t a woman around.
“Miguel, I have decided to return to the U. S. The tenant is returning and my contract is nearly over at Berlitz.”
He realized afterwards he should have prepared Miguel before dropping his bombshell. It had been on his mind for a week, but Miguel had no idea. Miguel put his glass down on the bar and looked directly at John.
“Did you make this decision on the spot?” Miguel was obviously taken aback.
“No…no. I have been thinking about it for the past week. But…I couldn’t find the right time to talk to you about it.” John felt ashamed about how he had neglected to give Miguel any hint that he was considering leaving Berlin.
“When are you are planning to leave?” Miguel was stone-faced. John read sadness in his eyes.
“The day after tomorrow. I’m going to Frankfurt where there’s a better chance of flying standby.”
“Are you absolutely sure you want to leave? I can help you find another place to live and Berlitz will probably renew your contract.” A hint of a smile appeared on his face.
John fought back the feelings of attraction to Miguel that were burning inside him.
“Yes, I am sure. I need to organize my life,” John said definitively. “It’s time for me to go back.”
Miguel called over the bartender and asked for a pen and piece of paper. He then wrote something down and handed the paper to John.
“Okay. If I can’t convince you to stay, I guess I have to let you go.” He laid his arm on John’s shoulder. He looked right into John’s eyes. “But I am really sorry to see you go.”
John fought back tears that were forming in his eyes.
“Here’s my address. Please write when you get settled so we can stay in touch.”
“I will, Miguel.” John wanted to say more. He wanted to tell Miguel how he truly felt about him, but he was too shy to express it. He sensed that Miguel already knew anyway.
Miguel embraced John and held him longer than usual. John returned the pressure and waited for Miguel to gently remove his arms. When they had separated, they looked at each other in silence for a moment.
“Okay…hm…hasta luego, Miguel.”
“Ciao, John,” he smiled, lifting his hand slightly.
