Forget Scrum, this delivery methodology actually works (Part 1)

It turns out Scrum doesn’t “work”, after all, that’s why people bastardize the Scrum framework, right? Since everyone likes to use Scrum, and then optimize it into something it wasn’t meant to be, a new delivery methodology is needed for the modern Agile world.

WARNING

This is a satirical piece, written to show the most horrific anti-Agile practices which can be implemented if you misinterpret the Agile Manifesto and the Scrum Guide. If you are following any of the practices detailed in this article, please feel free to reach out.

Part 1 — Introduction, definition, and values
Part 2 — Roles and Team setup
Part 3 — Quality on larger projects, meetings, and artifacts

Why was a new delivery methodology created?

Scrum is a poor framework, which does not work for the modern world of Agile software delivery; it makes things happen, but it disrupts the organic organizational flow and prevents repeatable software delivery — so you end up changing a lot of it to make it fit your organization.

Scrum is also incredibly rigid and is clearly not Agile, given the first two principles of Agile are“Welcome changing requirements, even late in development. Agile processes harness change for the customer’s competitive advantage” and “Our highest priority is to satisfy the customer through early and continuous…