Sex and Dating After Weight Loss
In the United States, there were an estimated 252,000 weight loss surgeries performed in 2018, according to the American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgeries. Significant weight loss either by surgical means or other methods brings a lot of changes for people and their partners when it comes to sex, intimacy, body image, and dating. Yet, people rarely talk about these areas of change. Most professionals only talk about routine nutrition and exercise and avoid anything close the areas of sex and emotions.
Why Weight?
As we all know, this culture generally gives more positive (sometimes felt as negative) attention to those who are thinner. After weight loss, you may experience more attention from others. Notice how this attention feels in your body (not just in your mind).
Many of us unconsciously (or consciously) put on extra weight for protection after we have received negative attention from others objectifying our body. This attention may have come in the form of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, assault, or discomfort. When weight serves as a protection, it can make weight loss more complicated. You may notice your body retaliating (not able to lose the weight or keep it off) or you may experience more fear or anxiety. It is important to recognize the emotional or psychological reason(s) for the initial weight gain because the same things may come up for you after losing the weight.
Were you sexually, physically or emotionally abused as a child? Do you have sexual trauma history at any point in your life? Was your weight a protection against being noticed?
These are all rather cliché, I know, but these clichés exist for a reason — they’re often universal truths. Additionally, some people may have a genetic predisposition or may have had a poor diet in childhood and only needed to learn more about nutrition.
What Might Be Different With Sex?
Pelvic floor muscles may change with rapid weight loss. There may be a tightening or loosening of the muscles of the pelvic floor, which may lead to discomfort and pain during intercourse. You may want to see a pelvic floor physical therapist and you can find out more about painful sex in one of my previous articles.
You can also expect some psychological changes. You may have an increased impulsivity around sex. You may find that having more attention on you and your body stimulating and it may increase your desire and tap into your pleasure center. At times food/eating may have been used as a coping mechanism for certain stressors in your life. When that coping tool is removed, it can get replaced by other tools, like sex. This is just something to be aware of for yourself, partner and friends to keep a look out.
Alternatively, you may experience increased anxiety around sex and sexuality. You may struggle with the newfound attention and objectification of your body. Sex may not have been as much of a desire in your life before because you were less connected to your body. With weight loss, you may find yourself more connected to your body and experiencing desires, arousal and sensuality in a way you didn’t before. This may create fear or sometimes even disgust for some people. Know that this is a common response to changes in the mind and body post-weight loss. Talk to friends and/or partner, and you may want to seek professional support.
Sex in General — For Us All
Apart from weight loss, remember that the biggest, most important erogenous zone is between the ears, not between the legs. Start thinking more about what gives you pleasure — do you know what you like? Can you share that with a partner? Read some erotic literature to get some ideas. Discuss it with your partner(s), if you are in a relationship.
In her book “Come As You Are,” Emily Nagoski uses the term Dual Control Model to help women learn more about their sexual accelerators and brakes. Your accelerators are your sexual turn-ons and fantasies, while the brakes are your specific sexual turn-offs. It’s important to learn about what these are for you personally so that you can share them with your current or future partner(s).
Feeling Sexy
With the changes to your body, you may find that you have a new body image. Know that you may struggle for a time period with continuing to see your heavier body image in the mirror, rather than your current body. This is because your body image comes from your mind, not your body or your eyes. It’s not exactly objective.
You know how somedays you have a “fat” day and other days you may being feeling thin and have a “skinny” day? This is because the image comes from your mind and not usually because we’re actually different in appearance from one day to the next. It’s important to recognize these as body distortions and not objective truth.
If you have loose skin, please know that no one care about it as much as you do. Embrace it and be confident about it, as much as possible. Dress for your current body shape and in a way that makes you feel good.
Find sexy outfits for intimate times that help you feel sexy. Remember, you don’t have to be nude for “sexy time” and can wear as much or as little as you need to make yourself feel as comfortable as possible. It can be as simple as a gorgeous camisole with material that feels really nice, or a bra that makes you feel stunning.
One sexy tip is to get a professional bra fitting. It can make all the difference with regard to proper fit, support, comfort and overall appearance. You may think you’re larger than you are and someone with objective measures can help you realize that you’re truly a different size.
When do I start dating?
Most mental health professionals will recommend waiting for a year after having weight loss surgery or losing a significant amount of weight to start dating. It is a very personal decision, however. When you start dating, it’s important to have support in place already. Do you have friends you can count on to help you navigate? Also, creating awareness about yourself, your own history with dating, along with a basic understanding and implementation of the aforementioned ideas.
It’s different for everyone. For some, it could be a breeze to start dating. While for others, it can be nerve-wrecking. Know that you can and probably want to be selective when dating. Build up as much confidence as possible when you start dating, because confidence is attractive.
Going on Dates
You may want to consider making the first few dates without food to start. You could start off with coffee/tea/drinks or a walk and talk. Be careful with alcohol. Know your limits before you go. This is especially true for anyone who had weight loss surgery because your ability to process alcohol is likely completely different now. You might want to try drinking alcohol at home or out with friends first and learn your new limits.
Respect your body and your own pace. You may want to go slowly, or you may not. You’re learning to date with a lot of newness, so take your time to determine what it is you want.
Generally, in our society, women are socialized to defer to men. If you’re a women dating again (or for the first time), just make your own decisions and bounce ideas off of trusted members of your support system. Notice if you’re deferring to men or if you’re making your own choices when dating.
When do I tell my date?
Whether or not you tell your date about your weight loss is totally up to you and you alone. You get to decide. You do not have to disclose this information until you’re ready or it comes up naturally. Or, you could let them know right away. You might want to experiment with the timing and determine what feels best. It may also be on a case by case basis.
If you’ve had weight loss surgery and need to engage in different eating habits, you may want to inform a new partner a bit sooner. However, it’s not a secret, it’s personal and private. A new partner has to earn the right to know your personal information and you need to be able to trust them enough to be vulnerable with them.
There’s a big difference between a secret and privacy. There’s no shame in having gone through weight loss surgery or weight loss in general, so share this information whenever you feel ready (enough). It may never feel like a great time.
I agree with Dan Savage’s “sorting hat” theory, like in the Harry Potter book series. It goes something like this:
You tell someone one thing about yourself, and their reaction tells you everything you need to know about them.
Already Married?
Weight loss is a big deal and often changes marriages or long-term relationships (LTRs). This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship will end. It will likely need to shift and change and those involved will need to talk, talk, talk.
There are such big changes for both the person who lost the weight, and for their partner. This may be the first time really feeling attractive and receiving attention from others, creating some jealousy in the partner. Sometimes feeling attractive takes a person down a road they never thought they’d go down. This could lead to infidelity if the partners do not openly share and discuss the difficulties or struggles coming up for each of them.
The partner who watches their significant other lose weight may also struggle with feelings of envy because they see so many positive changes in their partner and wish they had some of the same. If the partner isn’t experiencing an area of personal growth (not necessarily weight loss) for themselves in similar timing, they may grow apart. Again, if you talk through these feelings, sharing them openly with one another, you can work with them and actually move toward deeper connection together.
Both partners may need reassurances from their partner in the relationship. The person who lost the weight may need to know that their partner finds them attractive, wants to be with them, and is working through envy or jealousy if it exists. The partner in the supporting role may need reassurances that their partner wants to stay in the marriage and even if/when they do get more attention from others, they aren’t interested in anyone else.
At times, the partner who lost weight is interested in seeking outside partnerships, however. This may mean multiple discussions toward changeing the marriage contract and opening up the relationship. It could also lead to infidelity because they can’t discuss this idea honestly and freely with one another. Sometimes it could lead to divorce because the couple can’t work it out together or aren’t able to talk about all the shifts and changes. You may want to seek couples counseling as early on as possible (couples too often wait until it’s too late to seek counseling).
Inner Critic and Self-Compassion
It can be helpful to recognize that you have an inner critic — that voice inside your head that is usually mean to you. Notice how you speak to yourself in your own head. Most of the time we’re pretty nasty and cruel to ourselves. This is a good area to change in our lives, in order to help improve our body image, sex life, and overall life experience.
Notice this inner critic. Start by just being aware it is there and notice what is says. Once you notice this voice more frequently, try these two things:
- Attempt to simply disengage from this negative self-talk. Notice that you’re inner critic is talking and just label it, “inner critic” and let it go.
- Practice self-compassion. Turn that inner critic voice into something kinder. It doesn’t have to be over the top, just share some kind words with yourself instead of those harsh ones.
Dr. Kristin Neff, studies self-compassion and says:
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
I think of self-compassion as learning to speak to yourself as your own good friend. You aren’t lying and making up overly positive things to say to yourself, but being truthful, and speak in a kind and compassionate manner, like you would a friend.
When it comes to sex and intimacy, how can you feel sexy when you’re saying such cruel things to yourself? Learning self-compassion and kinder self-talk can be a true game changer when it comes to receiving pleasure in your body during sex (partnered, self- or solo-sex and any other kind of sex you might be into).
Meditation, Mindfulness and/or Yoga Practice
You may find it helpful to engage in something that helps you calm down, be in the moment without judgment, reduce stress, and get more in tune with your body in a positive way. When struggling with judging your body and weight, no matter your size, it can be a struggle to feel connected to your body. Finding a way to be in your body and have a sense of connection to it is powerful.
It is always helpful to be more in the here and now. Mindfulness really does make sex better and now studies have provided solid evidence to show this is true.
Movement
We all know that exercise/movement makes us feel better. Learning to enjoy or at least tolerate an exercise program as part of the process. The more you move, the more “feel good” chemicals get released and the healthier you will be.
Again, our body image comes from our minds and moving is a great way to improve the mind/brain and make us feel better about ourselves. We don’t move just for our body to be fitter or tighter, but to improve the brain’s function and release the chemicals that make us feels good about ourselves. This release of chemicals from movement/exercise also make many people want to have more sex. Movement is a natural way to help boost desire and improve your sex life.
Seek Support and Other Self-Care
Sometimes we all need a little support. This may mean talking to others about your experience and find other with similar experiences. It could take the form of a support group or friends. You are not alone.
You may also want to find a professional to help you navigate the dating world, help you move forward in your marriage or assist in opening up your relationship. Professional support may be especially helpful if you recognize a history of sexual, physical, and/or emotional trauma that may have played a role in the need for protection in the form of weight gain.
Kimberly Atwood, LPC, CST is a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist specializing in sexual health, intimacy and relationships. She is a member of the exclusive provider network for Princeton University. She also provides online telehealth services in Indiana, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and internationally.
