Being Loud about a Silent Miscarriage
I thought I’d already experienced my worst year ever, when my Dad died 13 years ago. Then the first week of August hit and I found out what real grief was.
A fortnight afterwards I was meant to be announcing joyful news. Instead its one of the last taboos; mental illness, self-harm, death, menopause, miscarriage.
I had a silent miscarriage. My baby didn’t cry out and my body wouldn’t let go. To all those who have not had the opportunity to experience this loss or the fear of it — trust me you are better off. That saying ‘better to have loved and lost…’ its bollocks. Better to be an emotionally stable person than experience the extreme highs, because the extreme lows will kill you. It doesn’t make you stronger, just more empathetic & more broken.
I have never seen the reason of waiting 12 weeks. Seems to be more about saving others from witnessing and feeling awkward about your emotions. A public miscarriage. What difference does it make if I’m flogged & scourged in the town square instead of behind closed doors? Why hide the pain? It wasn’t your baby? Why am I saving you that awkward moment, that mumbled apology? I am the one that needs saving.
As a society we need to start talking about these taboos covered in blood & anguish. We need to get them out of the closet & into the light. I found it strange when my Dad died seeing firsthand how death is treated, or in most cases — ignored. Even in healthcare, its shielded in Jargon, you are no longer my loved one, remains, organs, embryo, cadaver, deceased. Ignoring it doesn’t stop it happening to you & your loved ones. We all die. When grief is following the bereaved like a black cloud, don’t cross the street to avoid the rain. I’m not great at talking — I feel too much. But just a hug, you don’t need to say a thing where words are not enough.
Put on a brave face. Be strong. All of which means — don’t cry its a sign of weakness. Its not. Its a sign of your feelings, its a sign of humanity. So are nervous breakdowns, self-harm, eating disorders, suicides, they are all signs of a society that refuses to talk about its fears.
Likewise I thought I only knew 3 people who had experienced a miscarriage — how very wrong I was! Its surprisingly common — 1 in 4 pregnancies end too soon, a quarter of those are silent. So if any of my friends are unlucky enough to go through this in the future, I want you to know I’ve survived. And you can talk to me.
I was hoping not to write this poem (once https://medium.com/shout-in-the-dark/once-45edd89a9575). It was meant to be about the amazing journey of pregnancy but we never reached our destination. When I am ready I intend to publish all my poems. It might only help me, but hopefully it might start a conversation.
