3/5 “I don’t feel like doing this!”; ”This is boring!”; “I hate this task!” … and other demotivators.

Deterrents or demotivators are the things that decrease the value of Want for an action. The value of Want is the result of the Sum between motivators and deterrents. What makes us act on something is not motivation, it is the value of want for the action. The value of want is the difference between motivators to do the action and motivators to not do the action.

***(link for more in-depth info on the value of want)

We tend, as leaders, for ourselves and also for the people we lead, to avoid by all means the deterrents of an action. Whenever we hear (ourselves or others) mention, or even subtly imply, that there are deterrents of an action, we tend to:

• minimize them: “Common, this is not so boring”
• ignore them: “…”
• jump in with motivators “Yeah, but this is relevant”
• transact the action: “Yeah, but we need the report”
• blackmail: “We have to do this!”
• put emotional pressure: “Yeah! But this is part of your role”
• and so on …

It is like, any conversation about “How someone does not feel like doing something” is rendered dangerous.

Yeah! But if I let people wallow in the negative then they won’t do anything!

Actually, no. These are the awful consequences of positive thinking. We assume that in order for someone to be ok that person has to feel only pleasant feelings. We see this in the crappy advice we receive: “Surround yourself with positive people”, “If you don’t have anything good to say, shut up!”, “Think positive”, “Learn from things”, “Move on”, “Don’t wallow”, “Don’t be negative” … and I could go on and on with another 1000 words with no problem. Psychology tells us that if we only look at the positive and we only allow positive emotions then we are in for a lot of emotional hardships.

This whole “Think positive” attitude and the mandate “to only be happy” lurked into leadership (for self and others). We ended up thinking that:

• we can only do things if we are motivated
• if we feel we are not motivated then certainly we won’t do anything
• we should only be motivated
• any feeling of demotivation is bad and we need to get rid of it

People do things because they want to. People want to do things when:

• they feel motivated
• they feel demotivated
• the ratio between those two is in favor of feeling motivated
• the feeling of demotivation is not ignored

So, people do things because they feel demotivated?

Yes!

When we feel something it is because the E(motion) signals something for us. When we feel fear, the fear signals that there might be a threat that requires our attention.

If we do not give attention to what we feel, because the E(motion) serves a function (to put the attention on something), it makes sense that it will increase in intensity to make sure it serves its function. If I ignore the feeling of fear and I don’t move my attention to what was pointed, the feeling will become more intense to ensure the attention goes to the possible threat, that the threat is processed, and there is an action based on the conclusion about that threat.

When we give attention to what we feel it means we feel what we feel, we know what we feel, we move the attention to the situation that triggered that feeling, and we conclude something about the situation (regarding action or inaction). If the feeling doesn’t diminish in intensity it just means that we didn’t process the whole situation (we did not pay attention to all that was signaled)

We cannot “not feel”. We can ignore what we feel, and numb out our perception of what we feel. The problem here is that we cannot numb our perception discriminately. If I numb out feeling fear (not feeling the sensations in my chest, in my hands, and in my gut) then I numb out any other feeling (anger is felt in the chest and torso; happiness the same; relaxation is felt in the gut, and so on). If I don’t feel things I don't feel any things.

Ok, so what does this have to do with motivation and leadership?

Because there is no space for “I don’t feel like doing X” then:

• the “I don’t feel like doing” will need to increase in intensity to make sure it serves its function: to signal something about the activity. The more we don’t allow this space the more the “I don’t feel like it” will need to increase in intensity.
• If there is a mandate to ignore this feeling of “I don’t feel like it” then what will happen is that the feeling of “I feel like it” will also be numbed.

So, what is a leader to do?

• whenever there is even a hint of “I don’t feel like it” allow the space for that feeling to be expressed, to move the attention to what that feeling is signaling, and to process the situation.

If someone says “this is boring” you can say “Please tell me more!”. “How does it feel?”, “How is it boring?”, “What is boring about it?”. Make sure you allow that feeling and bite your tongue when you see yourself trying to invalidate it or minimize it: “Common, it is not that boring”, “yeah, but not all of it is boring” … and so on.

• if you see people only bringing up motivators and there is no talk about deterrents (“I don’t feel like it”) then make sure you bring them into the conversation.

“I noticed you talked about what gets you to want to do this, I would also like to talk about what makes you feel like not doing this activity (now or in the future)”. There is no human on this earth that does not feel like it about any activity.

The thing that I learned about all this is:

We do things not in spite of the “not feeling like doing them” but while “we feel like not doing them”.

That means that I might work on a huge excel document, not in spite of feeling it is boring, but while it is boring. If I allow to feel the boredom I get to also feel the feeling of absorption and flow, or the feeling of satisfaction when I progress or the feeling of concentration.

Of course, there are some feelings that are difficult to tolerate and feel. For some of us, it might be boredom, for some of us, it might be the frustration that a solution does not work, for some of us it might be the fear of failing. If this is the case, regulating those feelings and learning how to feel “bored”, “frustrated”, “scared” will allow to also feel the motivators.

*** (link for more in-depth info into working with deterrents and motivators)

This is part of series on |Motivation for Leaders|:

1/5 Motivating people is not always the answer: “I am not motivated”​ vs “I don’t want to do it”​

2/5 What does maturity have to do with motivation/engagement?

3/5 “I don’t feel like doing this!”; ”This is boring!”; “I hate this task!” … and other demotivators.

4/5 There is no such thing as extrinsic motivation, all of motivation is intrinsic. There is however transactional and non-transactional motivation and that distinction matters.

5/5 What if people really want to but they can’t? What does that “can’t” mean?

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