Why Self-Help Books Won’t Help You
Until you master this key factor and learn how to extract the most out of what you read.
My rocky beginnings with self-help literature
Self-help is a huge industry. It always has been. But it also has had a bit of a mixed reputation. I’ve known people who have a voracious appetite for self-help books, and I’ve also known people who can’t stand anything self-help. Hell, I’ve been both those people.
As a kid, I despised anything self-help. I only liked reading fiction, especially fantasy-fiction, so that’s what I did. I was obsessed with the likes of Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. I rarely ever ventured out of it, and I had this preconceived notion that those who read self-help books are boring, uncool people. And what teenager wants to be uncool? Add to that the fact that none of my peers read non-fiction. In fact, most didn’t like reading at all.
Eventually when I was around 20, however, I tried reading some self-help books when encouraged to do so by Sarthak, a close friend of mine. He had also started reading only recently, and he exclusively read self-help back then.
It was really hard for me to get into it at first, I’ll admit. I tried a few books but couldn’t finish any of them. I often complained about how reduntant and repetitive they are, how I already know most of this stuff, how I don’t need this in my life right now. I saw no point in continuing. So I stopped and gave up on it altogether.
In a couple years, however, that was going to change.
Desire: The make-or-break factor
Before we resume my story, let’s take a step back and talk about what kind of people read self-help books.
We can broadly categorize these people into two types:
- The Casual Colins: They’re the ones who dabble a little bit in self-help without any strong motivations to use the advice they receive. There are a lot of Casual Colins among us. The guy who got gifted a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” on his birthday and decided to read it out of curiosity, the girl who likes collecting books and has a small in-house library, the person who wants to grow out of fiction and picks up a copy of whichever NY Times Bestseller is trending at the moment; these are all examples of Casual Colins.
- The Serious Steves: They’re the ones who turn to self-help when they face some kind of problem in their lives. The defining trait of a Serious Steve is their strong desire to fix their problems, and so they research in order to pick up the best books that can help them with those specific problems. You can often find them reading and rereading the most important bits, highlighting their favorite parts (for those of you who just made a disgusted face, Kindle is your friend 😉), making elaborate notes, and discussing newly learned tips & strategies with their peers.
As you can probably tell, I used to fall in the former category. I was one of the most casual Casual Colins you could find. My friend Sarthak, meanwhile, fell on the opposite end of the spectrum. He read what he needed to, and he wouldn’t put down a book until he was done extracting value out of it. Over the years, our discussions led to the creation of something we like to call “The Desire Hypothesis”.
Over the past two years, I’ve become increasingly convinced that the make-or-break factor for any kind of success in life, no matter how small, is desire. You can only fix a problem if you deeply care about it. The extent of your desire to change/fix something is directly proportional to how much you care about it.
Desires dominate our lives
At this point, some of you might be thinking that’s silly. Everyone has strong desires. We all want — really, really, really want — a million dollars. How many of us could get there? The statistics sure are looking bleak.
Here’s a straight-forward explanation. We have too many desires. And the thing about desires is that they all compete for your time, effort, and mental bandwidth.
“The more desires you have, the unhappier you’re going to be.”
Desires dominate our entire lives. We live for our desires, we work to see them manifested. And when they do, we are rewarded with a surge of happiness. But then again, that happiness isn’t ever-lasting. It ebbs and flows. One fulfilled desire gets replaced with another unfulfilled one, and so begins the chase again. So what’s the solution?
How to wield desire
There’s a very simple solution to this. To make the most of desires, one need only limit the number of one’s desires.
Yes, it’s easier said than done. But I never said it’s an easy solution, just a simple one. It’s simple in the sense that anyone can understand it and start working on it. It’s not a complex concept, but it takes people the better part of their entire adult lives to truly master this. You don’t have to become a zen monk and reach a state of absolute desirelessness. Desires are what give us purpose, they’re what drive us passionately towards great accomplishments. Humanity couldn’t have come this far without strong desires.
So, in order to wield desire effectively, we need to be able to regulate to our own thoughts.
- Step 1: It starts with getting out of your head to observe your own actions as a third party. Notice what you spend most of your time doing, especially in your “free” time, the time you have completely to yourself sans any obligations.
- Step 2: Observing your actions should guide you to reflection. Reflect on the various motivations behind these actions and figure out which desires are driving them. You will quickly realize how many of these desires are absolutely useless.
- Step 3: If you have a life purpose and you’re committed to leading a purposeful life, this step will be easy. If not, I suggest you to read this article. When you know your purpose, figure out which desires align with it and which ones don’t. Discard those desires that don’t serve you in the pursuit of your highest purpose.
The last step is the most challenging one. As I said, it’s not something you can take care of once-and-for-all. It’s an active, ongoing process that you have to mindfully engage in. This is why practices like meditation and journalling are so effective. They help you self-reflect and ask yourself important questions on a regular basis.
If you’re serious about self-improvement, this is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Make the most out of what you read
Okay, now that we’ve talked about desire, let’s see how we can use desire to make the most out of what we read.
Read selectively and mindfully
Your circumstances and goals should dictate the kind of books you read. Don’t check off books from the to-read lists made by other people. They aren’t in the same boat as you. Sure, you can use them for inspiration or as a jump-off point, but ultimately, you must remember that self-improvement is a very personal endeavor and each person has their own path to tread. Your path should suit your needs and desires.
Read what you need in the moment
Reading what you need in the moment. Read very specific books about the particular domain in which you’re trying to make improvements. Avoid generic, catch-all titles that claim to give you superpowers. You don’t need them. You won’t learn much, if anything, from books that try to provide broad-brush life lessons and little actionable advice. Reading specific books makes sure you’re focused on improving one crucial area of your life diligently before moving on to something else.
Sample books on Audible, Blinkist, etc. if you need to. That actually gives you a fair idea of what to expect from a book and whether that’s what you need.
Read to execute
Make action plans after reading a book, don’t just hop from book to book. It’s a trap that keeps you cruising along with short-lasting bursts of satisfaction. You feel good right away, like you’re actually doing something about the problems in your life. Don’t just read. Invest 10x more time actually implementing the strategies to the best of your ability. If/when you find yourself falling into the same sense of ease that comes with reading self-help content non-stop, stop and confront yourself. Constantly remind yourself why you’re doing it, and what desires you want to see realized. It’s not supposed to be easy, so acknowledge the discomfort and understand the necessity of it.
Be your own coach and therapist
If you have a desire to do or achieve something, let it consume you and be relentless in your pursuit. Act as your own coach and therapist so you can push yourself in your moments of strength and pick yourself up compassionately in your moments of weakness.
Experiment a lot
Keep what works, discard the rest. This can only happen when you actually act on the advice you read. Without action, you’ll never know what works and what doesn’t. Focus on process rather than outcome. For example, if you want to get fitter, by all means, start by setting goals. But gradually, shift your focus to the process. Ask yourself how you can make the process more fun and/or rewarding. Rather than focusing on the goal, this will definitely make sure the habit sticks and you actually start leading a fitter lifestyle. Once that happens, that one-time goal/outcome you imagined for yourself becomes irrelevant.
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Utkarsh
